Why Do I Feel Numb When I Have Sex With My Wife?

Posting Date: 03/29/2000

Jack: I'm a 40-year-old man who got married about a month ago. I was sexually abstinent for three years before I got married.

I have absolutely no sensation when I have sex with my wife. In fact, the head of my penis is numb and I'm unable to keep an erection. I can get an erection with Viagra, but the ejaculation is just a release of pressure.

I had my testosterone checked and it's 456.

I actually enjoy the physical closeness with my wife more than the act of having sex, but I want to know if my sexual sensation will return.

Dr. Dean: Yes, of course. From what you've told me, I'm not hearing that anything is wrong with your biology.

In my experience, you've described a fairly common problem. You have taken the right steps, having your testosterone checked and trying Viagra. Your testosterone level is fine, and as you noticed, Viagra makes the plumbing work, but it doesn't solve the lack of libido and feeling.

You're a young guy, but you're at the mature age when men tend to respond more to the emotional aspects of sex than they did when they were teenagers. Both men and women believe the myth that guys are ready to rumble at all times. Well, men are sensitive creatures who also need emotional connection and a sense of safety to heat up.

Getting married and starting to be sexual after a period of abstinence creates a lot of pressure. Self-expectation, self-consciousness, image, and judgment are major issues that swirl together to create major anxiety. This is a real libido killer.

I want you to feel relaxed and free from pressure. Tell your wife that the closeness and cuddling is what you want and start there. Begin by looking at each other, feeling each other's skin, and the physical and emotional connection.

I encourage you to get some help from a good sex therapist before this turns divisive. If she begins to feel undesirable and rejected, you will feel even more pressure and become number. So get into counseling now before it does any more damage.

Email this page  Printer Friendly Bookmark this page