To anyone reading, hello! Brave souls are we, who deal with this kind of stuff.

My journey started when I was 8, and moved to a new school. There was some classic bullying, and some of it was sexually-threatening (names, etc.). In response I closed off emotionally, and became very inhibited, threatened by the idea of sex. Now, during this whole time, I masturbated at least once a day, so there was no physical problem. I still have no problem physically, or in the "desire" department. I've always known it is a very social problem. A fear of failure.

When I was 20, I finally allowed myself to hope that I could "function" with a girl. However, I was far too withdrawn at the time, made a fool of myself, disappointed her, and it took months to recover and relax enough to finally enjoy sex with her - bless her for being patient! However, every girlfriend I've had since (I'll be 40 in a month) has had to endure months of building up familiarity and trust before I can actually fulfill their needs in a satisfactory manner. And even then, it's a slow, awkward process, with constant difficulty in relaxing enough to actually enjoy it and not worry about failure. There have been some beautiful times in the past few years, but everytime I meet someone new, the whole process has to be gone through yet again. Every time, a new risk of embarrassment, of inevitable failure.

I am at a point where I am thoroughly tired of "being the problem." In all other ways, I'm a loving, giving partner to whomever I'm with, so it is devastating to still be dealing with this "intimacy barrier" after all these years. My next step is to see a doctor (finally, I know!), but I know medication or surgery is not the option - I think counseling must be the way to go. So, getting involved in this website is part of my research to finally address and hopefully resolve this lifelong curse. 

Good luck to everyone else dealing with this. It is truly a silent and misunderstood problem, and very much a torment to everyone involved.

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