I am looking for someone to email about living through ED. I am married to a wonderful man with ED. I am looking to connect with someone to just talk about some of the struggles and maybe find positive solutions. I know there have to be people out there going through the same thing.
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I am dating a wonderful man who has restored my love of life after a messy divorce. In the first 3 months we had great sex. Indeed, sex after 50 can be terrific. But in the last 4 months we've been coping with ED. I think economic stress is getting to him, worrying about his job etc. When we talked about this initially I wasn' t too concerned. There are things to do other than penetration that are loving. But what I didn't count on was his lack of desire. That's gone, too. I feel more like his best friend than a girl friend. Kissing, hugging, snuggling etc., all gone. When I initiate it his mind drifts elsewhere. He tells me he loves me and wants us to be together and talks about the future.
He is working with his doctor on tests and should be getting meds soon. However, I am afraid if that doesn't work it will further impact our relationship.
How do you deal with this or has this happened to you? I'd like to find out how to bring intimacy to our relationship in a gentle, caring way.
First let me say I appreciate your quest! This is not an easy thing on either parties. I have only been married 4 years and we have been dealing with ED for about a year. Viagra did not work. I am trying to be very supportive of my husband, but I don't have anyone I can confide in. If I try to talk to my husband he seems to shut down and personalize it. I know this is hard for him as it has taken away a part of who he is. I wish he would communicate with me because you are right there is so much to a sex life then just actual sex. My husband has lost his desire to any real intimicy other than a quick hug or quick kiss. He has reached out to "porn" which has made this even more emotional for me. It makes me feel as if he thinks I'm the problem. It's so complicated. I don't think this is talked about enough. I told him that ED affects 50 percent of the population! That is a lot of people yet it's so hush hush. I'm open to explore this process, and just to offer any support I can.
Wow! So much of what you said hits home. It wasn't what I wanted to hear but there is comfort in knowing we are not alone in this.
Everyone says communication is the key to dealing with this but like you, I find talking with him about ED difficult. He feels like a failure, is convinced I am leaving him and gets depressed. There seems to be no constructive way to talk about it without him going through all these emotions. Some time ago we talked about couples therapy and I am thinking this is the only way to be able to talk honestly and openly. Have you ever done or considered therapy? Any results if you have?
Porn kind of creeps me out but I read that it can help get our men aroused. But I think that sometime what I read is a result of wishful thinking and not an actual experience. I think of porn as something they do alone. It makes me wonder if the intensity of it makes them feel something, but I agree, that leaves us feeling undisireable.
Valentines Day is coming up and I am dreading it. I guess I just have to get over my discomfort in talking with him and accept the fact he's going to get upset. Not talking about ED is getting nowhere. I am hoping that we keep talking it will demystify the problem for both of us. I'll let you know how it goes.
If I find anything helpful I will let you know and post it for you. You are right though, it is hard to talk about. I have not confided in any of my local friends. They still think we are having the great time we had last summer! Sigh...
I wish you well, PJ. Thanks for your response, really, thank you.
I don't know if my husband is open to therapy. That is why I am really just seeking out some kind of support system. I don't want it all to build up and hurt his feelings by lashing out. I'm frustrated to, but I don't get to vent that because he becomes so defensive ( I do understand how sensitive this is, but it's not a one sided issue). I'm also looking for solutions, not just to complain! I love my husband with all my heart! I'm faithful and will never compromise my marriage. I thank God we had a relationship before sex, or we would be in trouble!