Getting Intimate Without Intercourse

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  • Just last week a friend of mine interrupted our light lunchtime conversation and blurted out, "I hate sex with my husband.  It has turned into a chore.  I lie there just waiting for it to be over and it's uncomfortable and it takes too long."  Oh boy.... So much for a great cup of coffee and a discussion about our latest shoe purchases.  What she told me didn't surprise me.  My friend has already been through menopause and from what I hear, your libido diminishes because of decreasing levels of estrogen; you can experience vaginal dryness which can make sex somewhat painful, especially if your older husband needs more time to get aroused and ejaculate.  I don't care if they say the new 60 is 50 - I certainly do not want to age if this is going to be the typical sex script.

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    On the other hand, how many of us are playing the games we used to play with our honey when we were young and carefree.  When was the last time you just cuddled without allowing it to go further than that?  When was the last time you went out on a romantic date?   When was the last time you talked about what turns you on now?  When was the last time you created a romantic mood in your bedroom with candles and scented sachets and a roaring fire and a great negligee?  We all abandon this because we are so busy with other stuff.  I don't know about you, but as a woman, I simply can't do the act without feeling like I am really close and intimate with my husband; without feeling like we are really close and bonded.  So though I sometimes let it fall by the wayside, I really do work hard at creating an intimacy script - making special dinners, drawing a bath for my husband, planning a special weekend - and I also expect the same efforts from him.


    I can only speak from a female perspective.  I feel like there are times when I do need to let my husband know that I just want to be close, just want to be hugged and cuddled and cherished.  Sometimes I want to get intimate - to a point - without necessarily consummating the act.  That makes me really look forward to and cherish the times when we do go all the way.  I think when you have that kind of healthy intimate behavior on a regular basis it will make you less likely to feel like you are suffering through the act itself.  I think it will help to offset the physical changes that naturally shift how we perform and how we experience intimacy and sex.  And of course, there are tools to help us like lubricants and medications and other treatments if something is truly malfunctioning.  But I truly believe it all starts with communication - sharing - and working hard to create ongoing intimacy.  Can you talk to your mate...really talk??

Published On: June 10, 2008