How do I help my husband?

As a younger wife I went through a stage of morning  knowing that it would never be the same and have tried to help him every way I can, emotionally and physically but it's extremely damaging to their being and our issues now are because he finds it hard to be intimate in any form because he can't always follow through.  Thus creating distance and making it uncomfortable to be close.  Some nights we just don't say anything because were so frustrated!  He feels surgery is the only fix to please both.  Its become hard to talk about it together without any guilt and neither of us go sharing this with our friends!  So this was the only outlet I found to speak openly with other who are struggling. 

Sorry to hear about your problem, I have undergone this after my bypasss for one year, then consulted the family doctor he adviced me to keep my sugar levels in control by Herbal medicines. I have been maintaining my blood sugar levels and the problems have been reduced and have been able to have an better sexual life though not as earlier but see improvement day by day. Maintaining sugar level by not consuming sugar in any form unless low.

I am interested in what Herbal medicines you take for the diabeties.  My husband would love to get off the meds if possible!

If it was your problem you would probably feel like a failure.  Please show him love and act like it is no big deal because you love him and would love to be with him in any way that you can.  Also an idea is if he wants to please you to use a sex toy or oral sex.  If this is not your deal you may have to please your self when you are alone if it is creating a problem for you.  But, please don't make him feel bad about himself.  That is not all there is to marriage.

Love and prayers because I understand

It seems we are all in the same boat. My husband and I are both 48 and we have not been able to have sex in almost 9 years.  He is a heart patient and a diabetic. We have tried to talk to his doctors about possibly changing some of his medication and they won't even listen. Their response is usually "The medication is working really well to control his blood pressure and diabetes". That may be all well and good for them but they aren't the ones who haven't been able to have any sex in 9 years.  We have tried Viagra, Levitra and Cialis and nothing even began to work. He and I both miss sex so very much.  I don't know what else to do or where to go.  It is so hard to imagine never being able to make love with him ever again.

Seriously if you've tried all that with no luck then its most likely just not going to happen. Have a talk with your hubby and find unconventional ways to be intimate. Even if you can't have normal sex there is still other stuff you can do. Yes, you both will have to be creative and unselfish but it's worth it, right?

First off, you don't miss sex more than he does. It's extremely frustrating for him because he wants to do this, but his body has taught him that when he can't follow through, it leads to feelings of worthlessness, doubt, and the notion that he's not really a man. (think of the emotional effects of menopause, but repeating every time he tries to get intimate). On top of that, many women translate erectile dysfunction as their men not finding them attractive. This is particularly embodied in that Sex in the City episode, where Charlotte finds that the cure to her partner's problem is by being sexy. This is an extremely damaging. The end result is the woman getting mad at a man who very much wants to please his woman, but can't. All of these things combined make it very hard for the male to want to be intimate; after all, why would anyone want to go through that every night?

It's important to remember, there are literally hundreds of causes for this, and even more solutions. If Viagra doesn't work, then Cialas may be the better option. If neither of those work, then it's time to go to a urologist and get blood work done. There's a good chance that the testosterone is low. If that is there case, there are a host of causes for this: a different medication is interfering, there is testicular damage, there is a thyroid problem, there is a heart problem, there is a hormonal problem....really the list goes on and on. There is always something more than can be done, and there are at least 50 things that can be done before surgury is necessary.

But no matter the cause or effect, remember ladies: the cause is NOT you, and if the woman gets upset at the man even once, it makes it twice as difficult to keep an erection next time.

my partner had back surgery 2 years ago and since  then we dont have sex but maybe once every few months.   And its always quick and not satisfying for myself.  He dose take viagra once in while but says the side effects arent worth it. ive asked his to help me feel good in ither ways but he ignores me.  Im starting to think that he is not attracted to me anymore and maybe I should move on.  Weve been together 10 years and the sex was great until right before his surgery.  I donlt want to be selfish but imfrustrated.

od but he always has an excuse   Im in pain, i dont feel well, im tired. 

Hello, I feel out of control, I have no control over whether my husband and I have sex at all. I know this sounds like I am a control freak, I'm not, it would just be nice to feel confident that if I planned a romantic evening that I might have a snowballs chance in hell of him agreeing to participate or at least let me have some satisfaction.  I understand the medication has side affects, and that he is uncomfortable about his weight, I am attracted to him just the same.  I read on this site over and over how we (women) should not push him, we should not make him feel bad.  What about us (women) We have been dealing with this for 10 years now, he is now 42 and I am 53.  We are a perfect match in everyway, but I truly miss the feel of him and feeling wanted.  When I talk with him about it he assures me he feels the same.  When I suggest the other methods of being initmate he agrees, but he does not follow through.  I just keep wondering while I being the woman in this relationship have been extremely patient, when does he decide to man up and say I love this woman, I want to see her feel better about her self, lets do some oral, or sex toys something..it just seems that he is so absorbed in is own self percieved short commings that he is being selfish?  I hate feeling like this and I want to scream, I have been very patient, when do you think you might want to be a little more selfless?

Hi Matt as far as I know there is no such thing as Genereic Viagra, or Generic Cialis for that matter..they're all still under some form of patent. You might find something that works but I reckon you'd be taking a risk, who knows what they're made from..question is, is it worth it? I'd suggest you see your Doctor, as I did, and get the real thing. It's a little more expensive than what's available on the Internet but at least your getting the real stuff..and believe me it's more than worth it.

Hey Matt you should read this:

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2003/07/21/the_war_against_viagra/

Hello Matt, Two brands of pills (A) "Cupid" and (B) "Silagra" are made in India under licence. Silagra is made by the following company, Cipla Ltd. Mumbai Central, Mumbai 400 008, India. But I wonder if they are available in the US, due to the agreements with the makers. They are still considred prescription drugs and should be used under medical supervision. I find that Viagra and the abovementioned works well, when taken on a empty stomach. I have to wait at least two hours after eating to get any useful effect. Good luck, Donald C.

Hello my name is Matt I'm older man and I need a treatment for my Erectile Dysfunction problem, I need to know if the generic Viagra works. I found this website <a href="http://www.xlpharmacy.com/generic-viagra/">Generic Viagra</a> http://www.xlpharmacy.com/generic-viagra/ it seems to be ok but I'm not sure. Can anybody help me with some info about this website or maybe recommend another website that sales generic Viagra .... thank you Matt

I am 35.  My husband is 47.  We have been married four years, and we never had sex prior to our wedding night.  I have always been a very sexual person, and I thought he was too.  He said he did not know about his ED until that night.  He went right to the dr and got Viagra and it wasn't a problem as long as he was taking it, but it disturbed me and confused me trying to figure out how he could not know he had this problem and also that he needed a pill to get an erection.  I had never once looked into ED.  He was an ironman and was in top notch physical condition.  Apparently the doctors told him he could have suffered nerve damage from his bike seat riding hundred mile bike rides so frequently.  The pressure of a 6'4" 200lb guy on a bike seat apparently was destructive to the nerves that make an erection.  I wanted to back out of everything, but I could not deal with myself breaking up with someone I loved because his penis wasn't working properly.  But it was and is a huge issue.  It has gotten worse in the past six months.  He doesn't even try anymore until I cry and become upset that he won't touch me or even act interested in sex.  When we do get into the discussion he tells me it's too stressful and he avoids it and sometimes just feels relief to get me to an orgasm because then he knows he doesn't have to worry about it for a while again.  He tells me he only gets six pills a month and wastes them sometimes because he takes it just in case, but I don't try to start anything because it's so humiliating and I feel so ugly and rejected when  he tells me no or if it won't get hard.  This is destroying our relationship.  I am 35 years old and cannot imagine this is the end of my sex life.  I feel like we are friends and I don't think I can share a bed with someone who would like to avoid sex completely forever.  I know this issue is not his fault, but if Viagra gives him an erection and he still avoids sex to the point we had it two times in 7 weeks.........I am so incredibly frustrated. 

Ok I have to ask you... (please know it is because i may be heading down that road) do you wish you had not married him? Is it something you regret? Please be honest I could really use the info.

Kindly. 

Well sex is a big thing.  It's one of the things I looked forward to in a relationship all my life.  I'm not one of those women who is ok without it.  I need it.  You have to really love someone to give up something that means so much to you.  I could not have lived with myself not giving him the chance to be my husband regardless of the other issues that came after making that choice.  That's the way I am though.  I made a choice, and I have tried my best to live with that choice taking the good with the bad.  I think it's a personal decision how much someone can take in terms of any marital issue.    Nobody can ever say I didn't give it my best shot if we go our separate ways.  Since I did not have this information prior to marrying him I honestly cannot say what would have happened.  It happened with another guy though who I ultimately ended up being just friends with.  Sexual chemistry is a big deal.  If there is no chemistry or things don't work right.....it's just weird.  I said I do, and I did and here I am.  You have to decide for yourself if you are willing to spend your life with someone you love who might not be able to give you everything you want/need.

Is everything ok now?? You can try Homo injection, may be it will works

Hello,

Its amazing, I read your story and its' like you live in our home, we sleep in the same bed, but I might as well be his sister and he seems perfectly fine with the situation. I even went so far as to ask my doctor for something that would make me not want sex any more.  Becuase my needs cause us so much pain.  I feel like if I could just turn it off then we would be ok, its oblviously more a problem for me than him.  I am 53, is this supposed to be how it is?  My first husband was abusive and hard hearted, but getting hard was never a problem, and no I have never mentioned or even hinted comparing the two.  I would never do that, my present husband is everything my first was not, hes patient, forgiving, funny, good big brother to my grown children, loves animals and loves to shop...for himself of course and me.  WE used to dance around our house in the evenings to our song when we first came home, but now we don't...I don't undertand.

if you dont mind could you elaborate i am 42 and have met someone who has ED we havent embarked on a sexual relationship yet as we are both just getting to know each other. i have thought about and put myself in the position of possibly never having full penetrative sex again and i am still very interested and attracted to this person. i feel that we fit comfortably into the above statement but i would like to be more informed about how to give him pleasure and comfort without the penetration.

i am the same person enquiring about info without the penetration....i am female and would like to reasure him that penetration is not all important, but would still like to satisfy him

Now thats what I'm talking about!!! If you love your man you will find a way to make love, hard or not.

I have the same willingness to work on my partners ED.  right now its a long distance relationshp and we have so much in common and other things yet to work out.  We are both older and have been intimate, not always a strong sexual encounter but there have been those deeply connecting moments of intimacy.  We tend to have a communicative relationship yet with stress about job security these past few weeks, he has said some things that lead me to think he no longer wants me, desires me, or can be my love.  Come to find out he is worried about my upcoming visit with him.  We nearly broke off our relationship because of my not understanding his needs, he framed them as a need to focus on his work and I should do the same while visiting him.  When we got to talking, he was able to tell me of his difficulties lately, reassuring me that it is not me, but him that is having the problem.  He's become distant and it nearly cost us our relationship.  He understands we need to communicate and I will work with him on this.  This affects us both and we both nee to look at natural therapies.  We are both working on healthier lifestyles, have experience with meditation, accupuncture, herbs and natural approaches toward improved health.  I'm interested in knowing more about what has worked for you and more of your challenges and solutions. thank you.

My husband also did the injections.  It worked for awhile but then it too stopped.  It was a great improvement to what it had been...while it lasted. It wasn't that painful according to him, just make sure you do it exactly the way Dr says and watch out for the erections not to go down - go immediately to E.R.

For the wifes like me - it is humiliating enough for our husbands let alone making them feel worse if your not involved in it with him.  I went to the urologist appointments and the trials and the instructions (had a female nurse administering it too!) it was very embarrassing but we were more excited to go try it out and went straight to a hotel the first time!  If your facing this option DO IT!  If nothing else worked what do you have to lose besides a little embarrassment...My husbands will is there it just doesn't work when he wants it to.  Don't get me wrong I miss it and would love to go back a few years but until surgery were using what we can and being very creative.  Although for me sometimes I feel like porn star acting out his fantasies for him but I don't mind! Do what you can!  Would love to hear from someone who has had the implant surgery if your out there.

just wanted to say "thank you."  i've recently began looking for support (and hope) online for couples in similar situations but all i've been seeing is blogs of sadness, guilt, frustration and regret.  most of the women are either admitting to having an affair or thinking about having one because they "just can't see ending their sex lives at such a young age." 

i am brought to tears; to think it's just natural to feel the same way, but i always remind myself that in our case, his ED is a medical condition (he's a diabetic) and that it has nothing to do with my being plus sized or how much i try to turn him on.  when we do try, it takes only a few mintues before the sparks are flying uncontrollably between us, but i've noticed that i'm the one who pulls away because i don't want him to feel angry and frustrated when things don't go all the way.  with tears in my eyes, i fall into his arms, kiss him tenderly on the lips, reassure him that i am still very much in love with him, hold him and quietly fall asleep.  often i ask myself, if the tables were turned, would our love be strong enough a reason for him to jack off in private rather than go out and have an affair? 

my husband and i have been together for only a little over three years now.  however, for the last year or so, we've been struggling with ED.  last march we were blessed with a healthy baby boy.  before i met my husband, sex didn't matter to me much. i didn't believe him when he tried to explain that a healthy sex life is an important part of any longterm relationship (i figured he was just giving me a line to get me into bed whenever he wanted it).  i used to think successful relationships were all about being friends and being able to communicate.  it wasn't until we got married that i realized that sex between a husband and wife is important to a happy marriage.  there's no higher way to express one's love for a spouse, than when two bodies connect while making love.  in fact, i was sooo looking forward to rekindling our sex life after having a difficult pregnancy and recovery that i was devastated to learn that suddenly we weren't gonna beable to resume or explore our connection with one another (we even decided that i was going to get my tubes tied so that we'd be able to enjoy intimacy without much worry).  But it's hard for him to feel secure in our relationship too, he's always complaining that he wants to satisfy me however he can whenever i want it, but to be honest, it's just not the same.  so i always remind him that i agreed to marry him because i really do love him for who he is, and not because of his good looks, money, or his dick.  i used to take his "enthusiasm" for granted and didn't fully appreciate his romantic gestures.  i've been trying my best to be strong for him and supportive of him, but yes, it's tearing us apart as well.  the pills are working for now.  we try to schedule our time together.  i push the responsibility of caring for the baby on him after he gets home from work and i tend to go out with friends or go shopping after work late at night just to aviod the awkwardness in bed.  it's good to know that we do have other alternatives and that there are committed couples out there who haven't given up on making it work.  he'll be 43 next month.  i'm 27.

I am thankfull to have found this site. I am pretty depressed and would love to hear from some other people.

I am 36 and my husband is 37. We've been dealing with his ED and Low Testosterone for about 3 years. For the first couple years I was a strong supporter, going to doctor appointments, trying to be supportive and make him feel good about himself.

Now i am to the point where i'm depressed. We have two small children and no sex life. We have sex about once a month or once every 2 months. We both are so frustrated that we don't even want to try b/c we are afraid the erection won't be sustained.

I think about sex with other men constantly. I feel horrible for this but I am one of those people who needs sex, good sex, and the thought of living the rest of my life like this is very depressing for me. It is tearing us both apart. I try to get in bed after him so I don't even have to deal with the possibility of being intimate. I'm totally turned off by the ED and the low T that I have no interest in being intimate.

I've recently started couseling and she wants to refer us to a specialist b/c she said this is a major problem and without help we could both suffer tremendously.

We have tried all the replacement therapies as well as the ED medications with not much success. 

Having been through this at 37 too - YES it is hard BUT...it's not his fault either.  I wouldn't be honest if I said I didn't have those thoughts at one time but I learned to redirect my thoughts to what I do have(family, friends, etc.) and work with what you do have(sexually)...  It's NOT all about you...there are 2 in your marriage/relationship. 

A couple of things that helped me were reading - the proper care and feeding of husbands by Dr. Laura and the 5 love languages by Gary Smalley.  Before you throw in the towel try one or both!  The last thing I did was also started a journal and everyday write down 3 things you appreciate about your husband (new ones!) maybe something he did for you or someone else or whatever...and let HIM read this book anytime he wants.  I can almost guarantee you in 3-4 weeks you'll both be different!  I know whether there's issues between you or not its a great tool to be happy!  Hang in there...go to the groups, dr's etc. don't avoid him if you can help it, I promise you he feels just as bad if not worse than you do.