How do I help my husband?

By deswife08 Thursday, October 23, 2008

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I am 42 and my husband is 57 with ED. It's been a 6 year journey to today. We've tried all the pills, lotions, potions, injections, etc. Nothing seems to work anymore. His desire is there but it just doesn't happen very often anymore. He does have high blood pressure, cholesterol and diabetes (takes pills) He is thinking that surgery is the only option left to do. It's so permanent and I'm not sure he's ready for that. Nor I for that matter. I miss sex don't get me wrong. But it's really seperated us and made it uncomfortable to be intimate at all. Anyone else with similar issue?

Comments (76) | Add comment

Anonymous

10/28/08 12:29am

we are in the same boat as you i am 44 my husband 58, its been a long 8 year battle for us, i think i miss sex more then he does.

deswife08

10/28/08 3:00pm

As a younger wife I went through a stage of morning knowing that it would never be the same and have tried to help him every way I can, emotionally and physically but it's extremely damaging to their being and our issues now are because he finds it hard to be intimate in any form because he can't always follow through. Thus creating distance and making it uncomfortable to be close. Some nights we just don't say anything because were so frustrated! He feels surgery is the only fix to please both. Its become hard to talk about it together without any guilt and neither of us go sharing this with our friends! So this was the only outlet I found to speak openly with other who are struggling.

Ranjit Kumar

11/ 2/08 6:33am

Sorry to hear about your problem, I have undergone this after my bypasss for one year, then consulted the family doctor he adviced me to keep my sugar levels in control by Herbal medicines. I have been maintaining my blood sugar levels and the problems have been reduced and have been able to have an better sexual life though not as earlier but see improvement day by day. Maintaining sugar level by not consuming sugar in any form unless low.

Anonymous

11/ 5/08 2:17pm

It seems we are all in the same boat. My husband and I are both 48 and we have not been able to have sex in almost 9 years. He is a heart patient and a diabetic. We have tried to talk to his doctors about possibly changing some of his medication and they won't even listen. Their response is usually "The medication is working really well to control his blood pressure and diabetes". That may be all well and good for them but they aren't the ones who haven't been able to have any sex in 9 years. We have tried Viagra, Levitra and Cialis and nothing even began to work. He and I both miss sex so very much. I don't know what else to do or where to go. It is so hard to imagine never being able to make love with him ever again.

deswife08

2/ 3/09 7:08pm

I am interested in what Herbal medicines you take for the diabeties. My husband would love to get off the meds if possible!

Nate28

2/20/09 6:21am

Seriously if you've tried all that with no luck then its most likely just not going to happen. Have a talk with your hubby and find unconventional ways to be intimate. Even if you can't have normal sex there is still other stuff you can do. Yes, you both will have to be creative and unselfish but it's worth it, right?

6/ 9/09 1:57pm

First off, you don't miss sex more than he does. It's extremely frustrating for him because he wants to do this, but his body has taught him that when he can't follow through, it leads to feelings of worthlessness, doubt, and the notion that he's not really a man. (think of the emotional effects of menopause, but repeating every time he tries to get intimate). On top of that, many women translate erectile dysfunction as their men not finding them attractive. This is particularly embodied in that Sex in the City episode, where Charlotte finds that the cure to her partner's problem is by being sexy. This is an extremely damaging. The end result is the woman getting mad at a man who very much wants to please his woman, but can't. All of these things combined make it very hard for the male to want to be intimate; after all, why would anyone want to go through that every night?

It's important to remember, there are literally hundreds of causes for this, and even more solutions. If Viagra doesn't work, then Cialas may be the better option. If neither of those work, then it's time to go to a urologist and get blood work done. There's a good chance that the testosterone is low. If that is there case, there are a host of causes for this: a different medication is interfering, there is testicular damage, there is a thyroid problem, there is a heart problem, there is a hormonal problem....really the list goes on and on. There is always something more than can be done, and there are at least 50 things that can be done before surgury is necessary.

But no matter the cause or effect, remember ladies: the cause is NOT you, and if the woman gets upset at the man even once, it makes it twice as difficult to keep an erection next time.

Anonymous

8/14/09 4:01am

my partner had back surgery 2 years ago and since then we dont have sex but maybe once every few months. And its always quick and not satisfying for myself. He dose take viagra once in while but says the side effects arent worth it. ive asked his to help me feel good in ither ways but he ignores me. Im starting to think that he is not attracted to me anymore and maybe I should move on. Weve been together 10 years and the sex was great until right before his surgery. I donlt want to be selfish but imfrustrated.

od but he always has an excuse Im in pain, i dont feel well, im tired.

darling

9/ 1/09 2:50pm

If it was your problem you would probably feel like a failure. Please show him love and act like it is no big deal because you love him and would love to be with him in any way that you can. Also an idea is if he wants to please you to use a sex toy or oral sex. If this is not your deal you may have to please your self when you are alone if it is creating a problem for you. But, please don't make him feel bad about himself. That is not all there is to marriage.

Love and prayers because I understand

purple56

10/13/09 6:35pm

Hello, I feel out of control, I have no control over whether my husband and I have sex at all. I know this sounds like I am a control freak, I'm not, it would just be nice to feel confident that if I planned a romantic evening that I might have a snowballs chance in hell of him agreeing to participate or at least let me have some satisfaction. I understand the medication has side affects, and that he is uncomfortable about his weight, I am attracted to him just the same. I read on this site over and over how we (women) should not push him, we should not make him feel bad. What about us (women) We have been dealing with this for 10 years now, he is now 42 and I am 53. We are a perfect match in everyway, but I truly miss the feel of him and feeling wanted. When I talk with him about it he assures me he feels the same. When I suggest the other methods of being initmate he agrees, but he does not follow through. I just keep wondering while I being the woman in this relationship have been extremely patient, when does he decide to man up and say I love this woman, I want to see her feel better about her self, lets do some oral, or sex toys something..it just seems that he is so absorbed in is own self percieved short commings that he is being selfish? I hate feeling like this and I want to scream, I have been very patient, when do you think you might want to be a little more selfless?

Anonymous

11/18/09 2:41am

It might be a blood flow problem Geritol vitamins may help.

consult1023

1/23/10 10:22am

I am a husband going through emotional problems stemming from ED. I am going to have surgery for an implant soon. First for you, stand by your husband. Without the support of you through the ordeal of ED, you will end up divorced. You dont know what it means to a man to have that support and talk to him about it.

Peanut

2/10/10 9:50am

How do I get him to even tell me? I know about it because I've found samples of Viagra & Levitra. Yes, I snooped because he was going to the Urologist all of the time and wouldn't tell me what was going on except to say that he didn't even want to talk to the doctor about it because it was embarrassing. We've never kept secrets from each other. In November, I found a prescription for Levitra that he just filled this week. (Feb) Some of the sample pills are gone. Is he masturbating to see if they work? I do support my husband and I love him dearly, but he is literally pushing me away and I think it's because he's embarrassed. How do I tell him I know whats going on and get him to open up to me? I don't want to lose my marriage over this. I will say that after his Mother passed away in July 2009, is when he started to shut down. You being someone who is going through this personally, please tell me how to help my husband.

inspector525

2/10/10 6:24pm

Peanut,

Do not be afraid to confront him about it. Be understanding and very supportive. This is not a problem that can't be fixed. I have lived with it almost 20 years. I just got married in November, and even though my wife knew about it, she thinks it is pyschological. I have been to numerous doctors and they have all told me that this only occurs in about 10% of the patients. It is very, very frustrating to him. He feels like he is not a man anymore. And the more he fails to perform, the more stress and frustrated he gets, which in turn makes it worse. Talk to him and try to go to a doctor with him. Get you a list of questions to ask the doctor. I am going to have an implant done. The coloplast titan. My wife says NO. There are thousands of men out here that have them. They correct about 99% of the ED problems, but they are the last resort. I imagine that my wife will divorce me when I have it done. I look at it this way, without it, I can't make love with her, with it, she is going to divorce me. She is a nurse. My biggest advice is to be understanding, supportive, make him go to the doctor and you go with him. Yes, it is embarrassing. But what is more important, being embarrassed or losing your husband? You can write me anytime you want at craigcvngtn@aol.com. I hope that this helps. If there is anything else I can do, let me know, even if you just want to chat.

Michael Craig

Peanut

2/16/10 10:22am

Well, I confronted him in a sense. He said that he was dealing with personal issues. I felt that was my 'in'. I told him that with the little bit of information that he's given me, I believe that I know what's going on with him. I never said 'the words'. I was afraid he'd shut down. I told him that it was ok, I love him unconditionally, and I supported him 100%. I also told him that it doesn't define who he is. I guess now I'll wait and see. Thank you for your advice.

Dean

5/ 8/10 1:03pm

Wow 20 years, im 29yrs old and been having probs and has been an ongoing nightmare for 12yrs. Like your situation my wife seems to think its phycological despite the fact I have had a test where I have had low testosterone and have had sustanon in past every 3 months and has had some positive effect. My doctor stopped giving it to me because he was fearful of getting a enlarged prostate but because of the marrital problems my ED was causing for such a long time he reconsidered and sent me for a androgen test was low and let me go back on. I have had only once recently and didnt really work well at all talked to my doctor about having more frequently but had to do another test to see if levels are still low after 3 months. He hasnt sent me to a urologist either and I just want answers and to have a normal sex life. For me also I have had blocks where it hasnt been as bad and other blocks of time where its been a catastrophe but mostly the latter. That also points to me that it is a hormonal thing. P.s I think its great to find a site where I can talk about this problem I feel so cheated because I am quite young to have this problem and feel like Im never gonna have a normal consistent sex life.

replyonly

9/23/10 4:05pm

My husband is 28 years old and was diagnosed with low tesosterone when he was 27. He has taken testosterone injections in the past with little increase in his number. Our Primary care finally sent him to an urologist who checked him out and gave him a clean bill of health. No blockages, no prostate problems, nothing other than the low testosterone. He started him on androgel, which he applies to his stomach every morning. His number is now over 900. (it was 199) This however has not helped him maintain an erection, even the medicines like viagra, levitra and cialis do not work. It has become psycological. There are periods of time where he can get a "semi" and we have tracked these times to where there is less stress in his life. His low self confidence is even lower because he feels less "manly" because he can not please me sexually. It is important in the relationship you are in to help your significant other however you can to acheive the big "O" (toys, oral, etc) this will maintain your intimate relationship with her and keep her satisfied. It is equally important that she also try her best to pleasure you as well. It may seem silly if you can get an erection, but there is potential for the psychological part to become worse if you feel shes not pleasuring you as well. We are thinking about surgical procedures due to the young age, but hoping with time it will get better! Good luck to you

lisam

5/ 1/11 8:56pm

I agree with you 100%~ wish I had the answers!

stg

8/ 8/11 1:05am

My husband back surgery almost 3 1/2 years ago as well. The Dr. told him he would make my husband 80% better. Well we weren't aware the 20% he was losing was his sex drive. I have asked him, no pleaded with many times to see our Primary Dr but he does not want to go "talk" to anyone. We are currenlty no sexually active at all and we don't even kiss. I know how you feel and its frustrating and your marriage feels empty.

Good luck. I hope it turns our better for you what it has been for me.

Eddie2

9/ 1/11 1:47pm

I don't like taking prescription medicine because of the expense, how dangerous the side effects are, and because I don't like going to see the doctor. I tend to self-medicate often but was fearful of trying out another sex pill after experiencing scary side effects from taking too large of doses of l-arginine and feeling heart palpitations.

I took the Dr. Max Powers HGH Spray. Its an ORAL Spray and you can order online. It was effective without going over the top and making me think I was about to have a heart attack. After taking one dose I waited a couple of days before taking another one, and somehow the effects lasted over the next two days until it tapered off. If you want to know how it makes you feel I could best describe it as a mood inducer and a stiffener- It makes you stand more erect and it will make you want to have sex more often. I didn't time myself but it did feel like I was able to last longer than usual. Will buy again.

Melissa

9/ 9/11 6:12pm

Wow

jim you have no idea how good that was to hear..Thank you

tekturna

9/14/11 1:32pm

I am a man with ED I take the pill and use a pump just to try and keep it up for her as far as trying other ways to keep her happy I can tell you one of the problems that I had with it was it sure seems like she is enjoying this a whole lot better than she used to enjoy me it's hard for a man not to be able to take care of his wife I know it hurts me to know end but I was the one that suggested toys for her and oral sex I have been with my wife for over 35 years and have dealt with ED for over ten years and I find that if I just hold my wife whild she enjoys self enjoyment it's good for both of us my wife tells me daily that it is ok that she loves me and sex is just part of that love and when we are done in the bedroom she is more than satisfied yes it is hard for a man to get used to their wife/girlfriend using other means for satisfaction but if they love you and you love them then where is the problem

kittycat

9/18/11 11:35pm

my husband had prostate cancer and we struggled with this for over 6 years...practically no sex, was unable to achieve an errection. We finally decided to have a penile implant. The surgery was successful, but the results only mediocre. Able to have penetration but does not feel at all like him oldself and organ stays cold...not very natural, but better than nothing.

anonymous

10/ 3/11 1:35am

I know I am late responding to this. However, I am going through the samething. My have husband has ED. He has high blood pressure. I prepour his medications for him. He just skips his medication sometimes, eats all times of the day with no regards to his health. He knows if his blood pressure falls within normal parameters, his ED should improve, but he acts like he doesn't care. He doesn't even use sex toys, oral sex on me NOTHING. When alone, he doesn't even kiss me or hug me. As a woman, a man needs to realize we need to feel wanted, loved. What should I do? I have been very patient, we have been married for 11 years and I feel so disgusted and not wanted. I know I shouldn't feel like that but he isn't doing anything to help himself (doesn't make his MD appointments, not taking medication daily, etc). Those actions make me think he doesn't care. Right? What should I do?

Alex

11/30/11 3:34pm

JM you have definitely opened my eyes with what you say. I felt worthless and unattractive because my husband is perfectly healthy. He has never taken any medication other that panado's but still has trouble being intimate. I guess the best is to see a doc. Thanks

not happy

5/ 2/12 6:05pm

i adore my husband and i will do anything for him and iv been doing for him for three yrs now so he wont feel bad but to be honest its getting kinda old i serve his sexual needs but i dont get none in return and this has been going on for w yrs this ed crap is messed it messes with the man and womens psyhe

Whore for a wife

5/16/12 4:01am

And my husband has done nothing but push me away every since we got married. Romance was great before we got married. Everytime I ask what's wrong with our romance he gets pissed at me call me a whore and leves for the evening. Dated/lived together for 17 years before we got married. We did not even spend our wedding nite together.

Matt

11/ 5/08 4:42pm

Hello my name is Matt I'm older man and I need a treatment for my Erectile Dysfunction problem, I need to know if the generic Viagra works. I found this website <a href="http://www.xlpharmacy.com/generic-viagra/">Generic Viagra</a> http://www.xlpharmacy.com/generic-viagra/ it seems to be ok but I'm not sure. Can anybody help me with some info about this website or maybe recommend another website that sales generic Viagra .... thank you Matt

Saracen

11/ 6/08 11:22am

Hi Matt as far as I know there is no such thing as Genereic Viagra, or Generic Cialis for that matter..they're all still under some form of patent. You might find something that works but I reckon you'd be taking a risk, who knows what they're made from..question is, is it worth it? I'd suggest you see your Doctor, as I did, and get the real thing. It's a little more expensive than what's available on the Internet but at least your getting the real stuff..and believe me it's more than worth it.

Saracen

11/ 7/08 1:20am

Hey Matt you should read this:

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2003/07/21/the_war_against_viagra/

Donald C

2/12/09 2:12pm

Hello Matt, Two brands of pills (A) "Cupid" and (B) "Silagra" are made in India under licence. Silagra is made by the following company, Cipla Ltd. Mumbai Central, Mumbai 400 008, India. But I wonder if they are available in the US, due to the agreements with the makers. They are still considred prescription drugs and should be used under medical supervision. I find that Viagra and the abovementioned works well, when taken on a empty stomach. I have to wait at least two hours after eating to get any useful effect. Good luck, Donald C.

Anonymous

11/18/08 10:09pm

I am 45 and my husband is 58 with ED. In the last two years our sexual relations have dwindled to hardly anything. He talked with the doctor and the doc gave him testosterone gel that he applies every day. The gel helps give him energy so that he is not as tired, but he doesn't seem interested in having sex. We have a good relationship and sex is not the most important part of our relationship. However, I do know that men 'need' sex. It is hard for me because I know he is a man and he is embarrased about ED. I feel that I am not attractive to him and that is part of the problem, but he tries to assure me that he is definitely attracted to me and if he was 35 that I wouldn't be able to keep him away!!! I try not to discuss sex as not to make him feel worse. Are their ways to try and stimulate him to help him with ED or do we have to resort to pills, lotions, etc. as the person mentioned earlier on this page? He does have high blood pressure, high cholestrol and is working on getting/keeping everything under control with medication.

Would appreciate any information or suggestions that you might have to help with ED - he would like to not have take medication.

Matt

11/22/08 10:52am

Anonymous

12/ 7/08 6:57am

I have been down the same road as the both of you. Boston Medical has some penis injections that might work for him. The problem is with the associated side effects from the other medicines.

I have a similar reaction to these medicines. When I am not using these meds, I do not have an erection problem. Have him go to the gym and exercise to help eliminate the need for any of the drugs or help flush them from his body.

The surgerical implant, vascular reconstructive, or venous ligation could be the last resort.

Mrs. Nookiefree

12/31/08 2:49pm

I am a wife suffering silently with my husbands ED. Our relationship has developed a complete lack of intimacy. On most days, I feel like roommates sharing a house. We always had a very healthy sex life and were able to discuss sex openly with one another, then about 4 years ago, that all changed. My husband is able to achieve an erection, but not maintain an erection. It is very frustrating, because he doesn't want me to be around to witness the death of his erection, so he has turned to watching porno tapes and masturbating alone in the middle of the night, while I am asleep. This way, when he loses his erection, he is frustrated, but not embarrassed. I stand by him as the dutiful wife, but truthfully can not understand why he doesn't attempt to engage me sexually with gadgets or oral gratification. I feel like he has ED and I am the only one in the relationship not having sex. I feel especially frustrated, because my husband is too ashamed to get medical help.

Anonymous

1/ 9/09 1:00am

I am 35. My husband is 47. We have been married four years, and we never had sex prior to our wedding night. I have always been a very sexual person, and I thought he was too. He said he did not know about his ED until that night. He went right to the dr and got Viagra and it wasn't a problem as long as he was taking it, but it disturbed me and confused me trying to figure out how he could not know he had this problem and also that he needed a pill to get an erection. I had never once looked into ED. He was an ironman and was in top notch physical condition. Apparently the doctors told him he could have suffered nerve damage from his bike seat riding hundred mile bike rides so frequently. The pressure of a 6'4" 200lb guy on a bike seat apparently was destructive to the nerves that make an erection. I wanted to back out of everything, but I could not deal with myself breaking up with someone I loved because his penis wasn't working properly. But it was and is a huge issue. It has gotten worse in the past six months. He doesn't even try anymore until I cry and become upset that he won't touch me or even act interested in sex. When we do get into the discussion he tells me it's too stressful and he avoids it and sometimes just feels relief to get me to an orgasm because then he knows he doesn't have to worry about it for a while again. He tells me he only gets six pills a month and wastes them sometimes because he takes it just in case, but I don't try to start anything because it's so humiliating and I feel so ugly and rejected when he tells me no or if it won't get hard. This is destroying our relationship. I am 35 years old and cannot imagine this is the end of my sex life. I feel like we are friends and I don't think I can share a bed with someone who would like to avoid sex completely forever. I know this issue is not his fault, but if Viagra gives him an erection and he still avoids sex to the point we had it two times in 7 weeks.........I am so incredibly frustrated.

Anonymous

1/ 9/09 8:59pm

Ok I have to ask you... (please know it is because i may be heading down that road) do you wish you had not married him? Is it something you regret? Please be honest I could really use the info.

Kindly.

Anonymous

1/ 9/09 10:57pm

Well sex is a big thing. It's one of the things I looked forward to in a relationship all my life. I'm not one of those women who is ok without it. I need it. You have to really love someone to give up something that means so much to you. I could not have lived with myself not giving him the chance to be my husband regardless of the other issues that came after making that choice. That's the way I am though. I made a choice, and I have tried my best to live with that choice taking the good with the bad. I think it's a personal decision how much someone can take in terms of any marital issue. Nobody can ever say I didn't give it my best shot if we go our separate ways. Since I did not have this information prior to marrying him I honestly cannot say what would have happened. It happened with another guy though who I ultimately ended up being just friends with. Sexual chemistry is a big deal. If there is no chemistry or things don't work right.....it's just weird. I said I do, and I did and here I am. You have to decide for yourself if you are willing to spend your life with someone you love who might not be able to give you everything you want/need.

8/ 4/09 2:43am

Is everything ok now?? You can try Homo injection, may be it will works

purple56

10/13/09 6:49pm

Hello,

Its amazing, I read your story and its' like you live in our home, we sleep in the same bed, but I might as well be his sister and he seems perfectly fine with the situation. I even went so far as to ask my doctor for something that would make me not want sex any more. Becuase my needs cause us so much pain. I feel like if I could just turn it off then we would be ok, its oblviously more a problem for me than him. I am 53, is this supposed to be how it is? My first husband was abusive and hard hearted, but getting hard was never a problem, and no I have never mentioned or even hinted comparing the two. I would never do that, my present husband is everything my first was not, hes patient, forgiving, funny, good big brother to my grown children, loves animals and loves to shop...for himself of course and me. WE used to dance around our house in the evenings to our song when we first came home, but now we don't...I don't undertand.

elizabeth

10/30/10 12:38am

do you have any kids yet? if so, do you ever think that if the problem isn't resolved you will nevr have kids? me and my husband have been suffering with this issue also....He recently told me it was something that started even before we met, so he chose to stay away from relationships completely.....i am supportive but it has taken a tl on my self esteem and insecuritites bc i fee like its me...that im not thin enough or sexy.....i know that is not the case and my husband has gotten so upset about that he is so worried i will one day cheat on him.......i love him so much but I just wanna have that moment of passion and i dunno what to do or how to help.....i am 14 years younger and know i am at my peak bc i want it morning, noon and night....its just hard to deal with bc we have onmy been married a year and we never went thru our honeymoon phase and i dont think we ever will....?

biggrizzly

5/26/11 4:25am

lady you need to get a grip how an the heck do you think he feels its not all about you unless your a greedy snob. listen he feels like hes less of a man have you ever taken any of those pills ?no i bet not you have no clue how they make you feel. hes with you because he loves you,he takes those dang pills because he wants you too think he's a man, well if sex proves your a man than ill stay a freakin boy all my life. Try sex toys they really work watch a sex movie who is going too see you two.nobody what do you have too lose? But listen if sex is all thats keeping you together then get the heck out because your a worthless pice of crap an he desivers better. Dennis

Anonymous

5/26/11 10:51am

Dennis, That wasn't a very nice response. You obviously do not understand the purpose of my post. I said we had been together four years, six now so if I was only in it for sex I would be long gone by now. I came here for support for how I feel trying to cope with this frustrating situation not to be blasted and called cruel names. I'm sorry for your ED problem but it's no excuse to be viscous. Thanks.

arizonabrunette

9/20/11 11:08pm

why on earth are you staying with this man? He is insensitive to YOUR needs...good grief...i see no future here. We must be wise and realize we can sometimes choose wrong people despite loving them, and we can love a lot of people in one lifetime...but we only get one chance to find that special joy from the right person. You deserve better.

RUBYREDRESS

2/26/12 1:14am

Hi Elizabeth-Sorry he said such harsh words to you. Risking your emotions by exposing your difficulties in this forum should not result in being being blindsided by Mr. Macho. His "handle" says it all-biggrizzly. My advice is don't settle. Go with your honey to the doctor and help him with his embarrassment at discussing his problem. An urologist is the best doctor to deal with this issue. Do you have a vibrator? It can be very satisfying to have some tenderness together and to be held while you pleasure yourself. It is very empowering. And the relief is tremendous. It makes you feel closer because he has taken part in seeing you be satisfied. Good luck.

RUBYREDRESS

2/26/12 1:15am

Anonymous

1/15/09 6:57pm

My husband and I have been dealing with Ed for a few years now. I cannot stress communication, openmindedness, willingness, desire, determination. My husband chose not to take any of the medicatins offered. We have learned that there is so much more to being sexual then just intercourse. There's the emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental aspects. My husband doesn't always get an erection and/or maintain one, but we have a very fulfilled sex life. Would explain but not wanting to offend anyone. If interested in more just let me know.

anon

1/19/09 2:53pm

if you dont mind could you elaborate i am 42 and have met someone who has ED we havent embarked on a sexual relationship yet as we are both just getting to know each other. i have thought about and put myself in the position of possibly never having full penetrative sex again and i am still very interested and attracted to this person. i feel that we fit comfortably into the above statement but i would like to be more informed about how to give him pleasure and comfort without the penetration.

anon

1/19/09 2:59pm

i am the same person enquiring about info without the penetration....i am female and would like to reasure him that penetration is not all important, but would still like to satisfy him

N28

2/20/09 6:44am

Now thats what I'm talking about!!! If you love your man you will find a way to make love, hard or not.

moving foreward

5/22/09 6:56pm

I have the same willingness to work on my partners ED. right now its a long distance relationshp and we have so much in common and other things yet to work out. We are both older and have been intimate, not always a strong sexual encounter but there have been those deeply connecting moments of intimacy. We tend to have a communicative relationship yet with stress about job security these past few weeks, he has said some things that lead me to think he no longer wants me, desires me, or can be my love. Come to find out he is worried about my upcoming visit with him. We nearly broke off our relationship because of my not understanding his needs, he framed them as a need to focus on his work and I should do the same while visiting him. When we got to talking, he was able to tell me of his difficulties lately, reassuring me that it is not me, but him that is having the problem. He's become distant and it nearly cost us our relationship. He understands we need to communicate and I will work with him on this. This affects us both and we both nee to look at natural therapies. We are both working on healthier lifestyles, have experience with meditation, accupuncture, herbs and natural approaches toward improved health. I'm interested in knowing more about what has worked for you and more of your challenges and solutions. thank you.

grace&hope

5/17/10 11:35am

thank you for making me think that all is not lost. Please share with me the ways you have found to connect with your husband intimatly. To bring pleasure to him. You know that is the worse thing for me is not being able give him that completeness. This is my first time on this how do get that info.

Ladybug

6/26/10 5:42pm

Hello ED, I'm so happy for you guys! I do believe that there are other non-intercourse methods to sex life. I would like to learn more about what worked for you guys.

I am considering marrying someone that has a venous leak and is able to have a partial erection.

I don't have a libido at all, so I'll be fine without any sex. But he still has the desire to be sexually active, but is not capable of vaginal penetration.

Budgie

1/20/09 9:25am

I am 78 years of age and my wife is 63. We've been married for 40 years and for the last 39 years have had a very satisfying and enjoyable sex life. Last May I had spinal surgery (discectomy & laminectomy) since then severe ED. My urology consultant advised that the spinal chord and nerves to the genital region were almost definitely affected by the surgery - hence no erection. He tried several courses of Viagra, Cialis and Levitra which did absolutely nothing. Then tried MUSE, a small suppositary into the urethra - again nothing. He said the only hope left was Caverject - but the thought of injections into the side of the penis frightened me to death! Out of sheer desperation I agreed to try Caverject - brilliant!! The needle is very tiny and short and you can't feel the tiny injection. 15 minutes later a good erection which lasts up to an hour or until ejaculation takes place. The doctor shows how to use Caverject, then you can do it yourself afterwards. It is essential to learn how to use Caverject properly. If necessary get the doctor to show you 2 or 3 times. Some men get their partners to administer it, as it is very simple to do. My wife is overjoyed with the results.

deswife08

1/22/09 7:54pm

My husband also did the injections. It worked for awhile but then it too stopped. It was a great improvement to what it had been...while it lasted. It wasn't that painful according to him, just make sure you do it exactly the way Dr says and watch out for the erections not to go down - go immediately to E.R.

For the wifes like me - it is humiliating enough for our husbands let alone making them feel worse if your not involved in it with him. I went to the urologist appointments and the trials and the instructions (had a female nurse administering it too!) it was very embarrassing but we were more excited to go try it out and went straight to a hotel the first time! If your facing this option DO IT! If nothing else worked what do you have to lose besides a little embarrassment...My husbands will is there it just doesn't work when he wants it to. Don't get me wrong I miss it and would love to go back a few years but until surgery were using what we can and being very creative. Although for me sometimes I feel like porn star acting out his fantasies for him but I don't mind! Do what you can! Would love to hear from someone who has had the implant surgery if your out there.

Anonymous

1/23/09 10:36pm

just wanted to say "thank you." i've recently began looking for support (and hope) online for couples in similar situations but all i've been seeing is blogs of sadness, guilt, frustration and regret. most of the women are either admitting to having an affair or thinking about having one because they "just can't see ending their sex lives at such a young age."

i am brought to tears; to think it's just natural to feel the same way, but i always remind myself that in our case, his ED is a medical condition (he's a diabetic) and that it has nothing to do with my being plus sized or how much i try to turn him on. when we do try, it takes only a few mintues before the sparks are flying uncontrollably between us, but i've noticed that i'm the one who pulls away because i don't want him to feel angry and frustrated when things don't go all the way. with tears in my eyes, i fall into his arms, kiss him tenderly on the lips, reassure him that i am still very much in love with him, hold him and quietly fall asleep. often i ask myself, if the tables were turned, would our love be strong enough a reason for him to jack off in private rather than go out and have an affair?

my husband and i have been together for only a little over three years now. however, for the last year or so, we've been struggling with ED. last march we were blessed with a healthy baby boy. before i met my husband, sex didn't matter to me much. i didn't believe him when he tried to explain that a healthy sex life is an important part of any longterm relationship (i figured he was just giving me a line to get me into bed whenever he wanted it). i used to think successful relationships were all about being friends and being able to communicate. it wasn't until we got married that i realized that sex between a husband and wife is important to a happy marriage. there's no higher way to express one's love for a spouse, than when two bodies connect while making love. in fact, i was sooo looking forward to rekindling our sex life after having a difficult pregnancy and recovery that i was devastated to learn that suddenly we weren't gonna beable to resume or explore our connection with one another (we even decided that i was going to get my tubes tied so that we'd be able to enjoy intimacy without much worry). But it's hard for him to feel secure in our relationship too, he's always complaining that he wants to satisfy me however he can whenever i want it, but to be honest, it's just not the same. so i always remind him that i agreed to marry him because i really do love him for who he is, and not because of his good looks, money, or his dick. i used to take his "enthusiasm" for granted and didn't fully appreciate his romantic gestures. i've been trying my best to be strong for him and supportive of him, but yes, it's tearing us apart as well. the pills are working for now. we try to schedule our time together. i push the responsibility of caring for the baby on him after he gets home from work and i tend to go out with friends or go shopping after work late at night just to aviod the awkwardness in bed. it's good to know that we do have other alternatives and that there are committed couples out there who haven't given up on making it work. he'll be 43 next month. i'm 27.

Figueroa

1/24/09 2:12am

I am thankfull to have found this site. I am pretty depressed and would love to hear from some other people.

I am 36 and my husband is 37. We've been dealing with his ED and Low Testosterone for about 3 years. For the first couple years I was a strong supporter, going to doctor appointments, trying to be supportive and make him feel good about himself.

Now i am to the point where i'm depressed. We have two small children and no sex life. We have sex about once a month or once every 2 months. We both are so frustrated that we don't even want to try b/c we are afraid the erection won't be sustained.

I think about sex with other men constantly. I feel horrible for this but I am one of those people who needs sex, good sex, and the thought of living the rest of my life like this is very depressing for me. It is tearing us both apart. I try to get in bed after him so I don't even have to deal with the possibility of being intimate. I'm totally turned off by the ED and the low T that I have no interest in being intimate.

I've recently started couseling and she wants to refer us to a specialist b/c she said this is a major problem and without help we could both suffer tremendously.

We have tried all the replacement therapies as well as the ED medications with not much success.

deswife08

2/ 3/09 7:06pm

Having been through this at 37 too - YES it is hard BUT...it's not his fault either. I wouldn't be honest if I said I didn't have those thoughts at one time but I learned to redirect my thoughts to what I do have(family, friends, etc.) and work with what you do have(sexually)... It's NOT all about you...there are 2 in your marriage/relationship.

A couple of things that helped me were reading - the proper care and feeding of husbands by Dr. Laura and the 5 love languages by Gary Smalley. Before you throw in the towel try one or both! The last thing I did was also started a journal and everyday write down 3 things you appreciate about your husband (new ones!) maybe something he did for you or someone else or whatever...and let HIM read this book anytime he wants. I can almost guarantee you in 3-4 weeks you'll both be different! I know whether there's issues between you or not its a great tool to be happy! Hang in there...go to the groups, dr's etc. don't avoid him if you can help it, I promise you he feels just as bad if not worse than you do.

Doug

2/11/09 1:46am

If I were your Husband I would not mind if you had a loving, caring partner on the side, and in fact I would be the first one to encourage just such a loving,caring relationship. And only a fool would say that within such a dual-relationship there would only be the sharing of two bodies,without love. But I as a man would have no problem with shared love, And that I loved her is why I could share her with another.

Anonymous

3/ 1/09 3:36pm

I am 47 and my husband is 56. He has informed me he has no desire for sex anymore, but there is no one else in his life but me. He says he is upset that he cannot give me what I need anymore, that he cares, but not enough to do anything about it, and it is killing our marriage of 6 years. He stays very quiet all of the time, and constantly tells me I don't talk to him. Me, I am having a problem struggling with this, it makes me feel as if I am not enough for him anymore. It has been 5 months since we were intimate, and I am not sure what to do. How can I help him, or can I help him? I have tried talking to him, but he either changes the subject or becomes quiet and occupies his mind with other things. He stays tired all the time, has definitely become a "recliner potato", and does not offer me the affection he did at one time. He never touches me anymore. What do I do? I am afraid it is going to end our marriage.

mee

4/26/09 3:48am

Im in a relationship with a 38 yr old man and i am 25. We have been together for almost 5 years and for the last two have been dealing with ED. I dont know what to do... It comes and goes but when it does happen I always feel as though its me and start to cry. Since its not always happening I wonder if I did something wrong or if its in his head or maybe he is cheating on me and feeling guilty... If this is already effecting our relationship now what is it going to be like when Im in my thirties and want it even more than now... We`ve tried the prescription remedies and he doesnt like to take pills and finds Cialis makes the issue worse after you stop taking it.. Oh what to do

Cris-O-O-O!

2/ 5/12 5:10am

I am 39 my huz is 42. We were married 8 years ago, me 31 him 34...even before marriage he was sexually shy, and had few intimate encounters with other women. Early on we had difficulty because he could sometimes not get, not maintain an erection...I tried every trick I knew to get him excited...but the harder I tried the more pressure he felt to perform he could not do it. I went through all the emotions like he's not attracted to me etc. Believe me men, we feel like we are not real women not being able to get you hard! I used to love doing stuff to a guy and watching him go crazy and getting a rise out of him, and when I couldn't I felt like something was wrong with me! Sometimes, though, he could do it...and I loved him so much I thought if he can deal with my shortcomings I can deal with his... I prayed for him and still do. I married him knowing it would prob always be an issue... And I am very sexual...but for him I found I had to tone it down which was a sacrifice to a point... But I always let him approach me, and I am very subtle about letting him know I just 'might' be interested tonight. For a while he took a small dose of lexapro for anxiety... Which did work to a point and helped him build his confidence with me in bed. I still never pressure him, just try to focus on the closeness and love. With lexapro though it can be a lil more difficult to orgasm or to feel like you've had a complete one. He still rarely gets rock hard...just stiff enough to penetrate me, which is fine...I can still orgasm that way, and have found that even if he is not hard I can get him to orgasm and ejaculate anyway just being in the position with things being near where they are supposed to go if you get what I mean. The key is you both being relaxed and just enjoying the closeness and one another's company. Our abnormal has become normal and we can even both come at about the same time. It is wonderful just being close to him and being able to have that together. I love him so very much! This is our sex, as dysfunctional as it might look to others...it is uniquely ours, it belongs to us, we make it and it is beautiful in our eyes : ) ...and can even be quite comical at times. You have to laugh people! I mean, maybe i deserved it for being such a little promiscuous vixen when i was younger! Again, the irony of me meeting and falling so in love with this man! Lol! So men and ladies don't shut down! Don't pressure... Just try to communicate verbally and nonverbally, be receptive to change and compromise! Another pointer for you seemingly extra eager ladies... When I was on the pill I hardly ever wanted sex! Lol! ( yes, the irony) same is true for when I was on antidepressants (lexapro and zoloft) ladies you need to address your anxieties about love and sex too! Like maybe you are feeling that sex is the key to getting your man's love and affection. Maybe feeling unloved making you try too hard and want/need his sexual attention more! It is a vicious circle! Good luck to all! Hang in there and don't give up! Remember! RELAX, don't expect...just go with what is...you'll be surprised what you can make out of that! ; )

Anon. guy

7/ 5/10 1:16am

I am a father of two, 25 and the eldest is 28 so I know that I am not ferltility challenged. I have been married for 26 years and we never had this issues before. Lately, I have not been functioning properly in bed. I always had high libido and I don't see where this is comming from. I've been looking around lately and have read about "andropause." You can google that, or go here: http://testosterone-for-men.com/Andropause-testosterone.php > That's a brief description of what I believe I am going through. I have erectile dysfuction, I am always depressed, I eat more than usual, I have trouble sleeping and I easily get irritated. In short, I am a nightmare to live with. I'm not so sure what the next step is yet but I would be searching for the solution. With what I understand, this illness is like the male counterpart of menopause. I hope to get well soon as this is turning out to be a big problem already.

Dealing with Ed

9/ 8/10 11:09pm

My husband had a heart virus and developed ed, up till then we had a wonderful and active sex life I would have never ever imagined he would ever have this kind of problem ever none of his doctors seemed concerned about his complaints about ed, except to prescribe Levitra which left him feeling trashed and unhappy with firmness he wanted to be rock hard, to me he felt firmer and was able to last much longer. We were given samples of 3 pills 10 mg then switched to 20 mg our insurance covered 6 per month, not much when you are trying to get back into a sexual routine ( ?) and was expensive. As time went on he became more and more discouraged bending in the middle bothered him I was supportive and told him I wanted him , he did not have to be rock hard, we had never used sex toys and I really think using them on me helped him relax ( try yours and mine by Ky) his doctor told him within time a valve would open and evendially he may not have to relay on Levitra he hoped each time we tried he would get back to normal, it didnt. I truly though he was going to have a nervous break down, he thought it was mental ....he started telling me he didnt feel like a man any more

he couldnt make me feel like a woman, he was tired, he was eatting I got really scared he was NOT depressed he was truly discouraged and was tired of not being able to show me he loved me .... I can tell you by this time it was truly playing with my emotions I felt ugly , began to think it was me this played on my emotions I cried alot when he wasn't around I missed his touch he had stopped holding my hands, kissing ect ( Please please to all men out there who are going thru this PLEASE hold your womans hand, kiss here tell her you love her and only her so she knows its not her, she is going to hang tight and true to you if you just try to remain close,land oving .... but shying away is only going to plant seeds of doubt ... and fear she is thinking if I was only younger , thinner , prettier .....I always trusted my husband and felt the avoidance was possibly an affair .... I talked to his doctor and made an appt he referred us to a Urlogist, by that time he was on Cialis DAILY 5mg about 2 weeks and was afraid to try to have sex for fear of another disappointment his doctor told him its USE IT OR LOSE IT and asked me why we hadnt tried I told him to work participation is required and my husband had been told by "OTHER" men than they took

VIAGRA and their PENIS would stand up .... the doctor told him ALL ED meds

need desire and physical stimulation... to work he told the doctor he wanted me so much it drives him crazy .... once home we we tried and it helps alot!!!!!! dont give up his doctor did tests and his TESTOSTERONE was very low, he started out on (1) little tubes of gel after 2nd test is up to 2 per day ... I am noticing lots of physical changes looks better, seems happier and we have sex most weeks 3 times , we try to stick to "our" nights dont look at it as a good or bad, limp or firm or a preformance test, enjoy whatever it is. I suggest to any man having ED problems to get tested for low T and try cialis go to cialis.com for a free 30 day supply.

jamie truer

9/14/10 12:49am

Ive noticed I had a problem with keeping an erection was I was abot 25, It wouldnt stay full and hard. I do have a problem with masterbating and did for my whole life. At least twice a day I watch porn and masterbate. Ive been with m y wife for 7 years and hid it from her that I had a problem. I would take over the counter pills to maintain an erection. After awile it stopped working and she would be so mad because we couldnt have sex, at the same time I wasnt fully sexally atrated to her because of the attitude she has. She would give up because I couldnt maintain an erection, it also happened tonight, anyway I went to the doctor and got samples of cialis , the 20 ml and they worked, the only problem is they are very expensive and insurence dont cover alot. To make a long story short I think you really have to be turned on and attracted to someone before you can have sex with them,,,,, I think

Dealing with Ed

9/14/10 10:31pm

I am glad the cialis worked for you. There is a free offer online for 30 day supply 5 mg or 2-3 pills of 20 this is supposed to be a months supply. We agree with you 6 pills isnt enough we like to have sex more often I have read taking the 20mg gives great results and lasting results for up to a week so you might get by with 1 pill a week. Always ask for samples from your doctor too this help cut costs ..... keep in mind you proably dont need the 20mg every time. You mentioned your wife is aggriavated, Keep in mind Ed is difficult for both parties. The best advice I could give is that both you and your wife try to be affectionate with each other everyday, hug, kiss its important very important to cuddle and let her know you love her and want her and keep a connection regardless if it leads to actual sex. I think men put to much empathisis on size and firmness I am pretty sure male and female can orgasim without total firmess Try to talk to her and help her understand you want and love her, otherwise couples tend to blame theirselves, each other and grow apart. Ed plays hactic with a couples emotions. You have to understand she may not have known there was a problem. Most women think there's something wrong with them, when their partener is struggling to get it "in" or keep it in she may feel she's not sexy not pretty, unatractive and less than.... its really difficult. What seems to happen when women deal with ed no matter how pretty she trys to be for her man and understanding, patient or loving she may be, she is usually left all hot and bothered and left unreleaved, she may not releave herself like you are doing, and it may hurt her that you can get satisfied without her. You might find if you talk to her and let her know what you need and ask what she needs you can work together to satisify each other. Maybe she would enjoy a massage with the new product "yours and mine" that can be a little sex toy maybe your seeing her enjoying it might turn you on ? I know my husband was turned on by satisfying me with it, we do things somewhat different than before Ed it keeps us enjoying each other and keeps that bond alive. Hope this helps

Keith GR

9/21/10 2:40am

The HGH spray from Dr Max Powers improved my urine flow and clarity...and improved blood flow for sexual activity

KITTY69

1/ 6/11 10:19pm

4 ALL OF U GIRLZ ON HERE THAT ARE HAVING THE SAME ISSUE EVERYONE ELSE HERE IS HAVING. I WOULD RECOMEND TO GO TO BOSTON MEDICAL GROUP IT WORKS 100% I KNOW FOR A FACT . BECAUSE I SUFFERED THE SAME THING ALL U LADIES ARE SUFFERING FROM. BELIEVE ME I WANTED SOME BADLY AND I HAD TO DO MY REASERCHING. I AM 32 MY HUBBY IS 39 HE SUFFERS FROM ED BECAUSE HE IS TYPE 2 DIABETIC. AND I REALLY SUFFERED AM YOUNG N BELIEVE ME I KNOW HOW THAT FEELS TO WANT TO FEEL GOOD BUT YOU CANT. HOPE I HELPED OUT WITH THE INFO. STAY SWEET 2 YOUR HUSBANDS GIRLS HAVE PATIENTS I DID.

JOJO

9/10/11 11:08pm

Hi yes Im 42 and my husband is 51 we have had issues for almost 7 years .Its been very hard I use to cry and I would be so dissapointed for him and me . It caused a huge rift in our sexual relationship and I would rather not do anything than to be dissapointed . I love him and cialis does work but all those pills are exspensive...

so what to do ?

ann

9/26/11 6:19pm

I have been married for 2 years and have only had sex one time. I have tried to talk to my husband about his ED and he changes the subject or gets mad. I have tried to tell him that I understand and we can work through it but he lies and tell me he has a feeling but he will not approach me. He doesn't touch me, barely kisses me and we are more like just friends rather than husband and wife. I do not feel close to him and I want to give up. He has diabetes, high blood pressure and lost a kidney due to cancer. I know he is under a lot of pressure because we had a good sex life before marriage and I resent him because I know he was unfaithful to me before we were married. Now I feel cheated and want to have an affair or maybe not an affair just someone that I can have sex with from time to time. I don't feel that I should be deprived of intimacy just because he doesn't want to open up to me. I feel that he is forcing me into a corner.

Sheryl Pearl

1/20/12 12:43pm

My husband had prostate cancer and removal. He has been totally impotent since. We have tried the pills, the injections, but nothing has worked. He refuses to have the penile implant. So, basically, he has decided that OUR sex life is over. How fair is that? What am I supposed to do with my sexual desires?

Cris-O-O-O

2/ 5/12 5:25am

This comment might not apply to all, but hopefully will help some! I am 39 my huz is 42. We were married 8 years ago, me 31 him 34...even before marriage he was sexually shy, and had few intimate encounters with other women. Early on we had difficulty because he could sometimes not get, not maintain an erection...I tried every trick I knew to get him excited...but the harder I tried the more pressure he felt to perform he could not do it. I went through all the emotions like he's not attracted to me etc. Believe me men, we feel like we are not real women not being able to get you hard! I used to love doing stuff to a guy and watching him go crazy and getting a rise out of him, and when I couldn't I felt like something was wrong with me! Sometimes, though, he could do it...and I loved him so much I thought if he can deal with my shortcomings I can deal with his... I prayed for him and still do. I married him knowing it would prob always be an issue... And I am very sexual...but for him I found I had to tone it down which was a sacrifice to a point... But I always let him approach me, and I am very subtle about letting him know I just 'might' be interested tonight. For a while he took a small dose of lexapro for anxiety... Which did work to a point and helped him build his confidence with me in bed. I still never pressure him, just try to focus on the closeness and love. With lexapro though it can be a lil more difficult to orgasm or to feel like you've had a complete one. He still rarely gets rock hard...just stiff enough to penetrate me, which is fine...I can still orgasm that way, and have found that even if he is not hard I can get him to orgasm and ejaculate anyway just being in the position with things being near where they are supposed to go if you get what I mean. The key is you both being relaxed and just enjoying the closeness and one another's company. Our abnormal has become normal and we can even both come at about the same time. It is wonderful just being close to him and being able to have that together. I love him so very much! This is our sex, as dysfunctional as it might look to others...it is uniquely ours, it belongs to us, we make it and it is beautiful in our eyes : ) ...and can even be quite comical at times. You have to laugh people! I mean, maybe i deserved it for being such a little promiscuous vixen when i was younger! Again, the irony of me meeting and falling so in love with this man! Lol! So men and ladies don't shut down! Don't pressure... Just try to communicate verbally and nonverbally, be receptive to change and compromise! Another pointer for you seemingly extra eager ladies... When I was on the pill I hardly ever wanted sex! Lol! ( yes, the irony) same is true for when I was on antidepressants (lexapro and zoloft) ladies you need to address your anxieties about love and sex too! Like maybe you are feeling that sex is the key to getting your man's love and affection. Maybe feeling unloved making you try too hard and want/need his sexual attention more! It is a vicious circle! Good luck to all! Hang in there and don't give up! Remember! RELAX, don't expect...just go with what is...you'll be surprised what you can make out of that! ; )

Anonymous

4/21/12 1:15pm

My husband is 42 and is diabetic. The diabetes kills the nerves and affects blood flow. Medication is not really a solution for a diabetic. I relate to much of what has been said. My husband is able to get hard enough for intercourse but not hard enough for me to feel much of anything. I feel like he has a sex life and I don't. We have tried about every way of being intimate but all it seems to do is rile me up and nothing we have tried will allow me to have an "real" orgasm. Whenever we try things for me it just makes me feel more unsastisifed. It is like being in a dream and drinking water but you are still thirsty. It is easier to not even try but I feel obligated. I feel like there is a bond with intimacy and I more than I anytyhing I long for that again. This has gotten really bad over the 2 years. When he takes care of himself and control his sugars, it gets a bit better. I think if he would do this full-time, that it could be reversed. I feel like I am the only one sacrficing for this.

Helen

5/ 7/12 3:22pm

Hi all - My husband is 64 and I'm 44. My husband's ED started about 4 years ago. He has tried Levitra, but all it gave him was a serious headache, and any erection achieved was not sustainable. At first, this really bothered me; was it something I was doing wrong? I have hardly any self-confidence to begin with, and I was certain he found me unattractive and ungainly. He even started sleeping in another room, and this sent me into such a downward spiral. I wouldn't let him see it because I knew it would upset him. But hearing about my friends having wonderful snuggly encounters while my husband bid me a friendly good night and would go off to his room would make me feel so small and insignificant that I just could hardly stand to go to sleep.

We've talked, and I now know that any feelings of inadequacy I have are absolutely nothing to what he feels. He has a younger wife who has needs, and he can't supply them. This terrifies him. And he sleeps in another room because he is no longer comfortable lying flat - the other room has a great TV and lounge chair. Nothing to do with sleeping with me.

This has led me to releasing my own selfish thoughts - my husband does find me attractive, he just can't "perform" (how I hate that damned word) the way he used to. I have decided it just isn't worth it to me to lose my very best friend over something like this. Sex is frosting. His love and care is more important to me. I tell him over and over again that I think he's the sexiest man on the planet, and he is extraordinarily grateful that I understand. If my "need" gets too great, he's only too happy to help me out in other ways. He will allow me to try to return it, though nothing comes of it (no pun intended), but he knows that I am not looking for any culmination, just some fun on his part. It's helped us a lot.

Anonymous

5/ 8/12 2:37am

What do you do with/for your guy if he won't deal with his E.D at all? He won't talk about it with me, won't go to the doctor, no longer has any libido (I think this was brought on by the E.D.), he passively rejects me when I try to flirt or stimulate him in intimate ways. He is healthly - healthy weight, weight lifts several days a week, has a very active job, all blood work is normal. We are both 39 and have not had sex for over 3 years. It started before that with mild E.D. - if it was late at night and he was tired or sometimes we would need to be in a sexual position where he was in control. This severe E.D. struck practically over night. Our relationship is great otherwise but this is really hurting me - I'm at my peak and he won't make any efforts to investigate his problem. We had a lot of fun together when we were young and he was at his peak. I just feel robbed. I feel so frisky so often. Self entertainment only for so long just does not cut it. I am so achy and uncomfortable in my pelvis. It would mean a lot to me if he would just try some of the options. I would never ask him to continue something that makes him feel ill. I've tried countless times to get him to open up. All he says is that he is not young anymore. I know he is embarrassed but I am too. Not only does his E.D. affect my ego but his unwillingness to communicate or do anything about it makes me feel worthless. I don't know what to do.

Desperate

5/13/12 10:51pm

First off I am so glad that I found this site litteraly by accident. My husband and I have not had sex in over ten years. About 7 years ago he had heart surgery, about 4 years ago he was diagnosed with diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol. He is taking his medicine but the side effects of all of this is ED. Recently he has been having prostate issues as well. My husband is 58 and I am 44. Not having sex is driving me absolutely nuts. I am passed self medication and the doctors don't seem to have any answers because he has so many different issues that he needs to take is medicine. Viagra and other items are not even in option as the side effects aren't good for his heart. I love him with all of my heart and I have been as understanding as I can be because I know this is devasting for him. He now shy's away from almost any form of intamacy. All I get is a kiss now and again. I know he is embarrassed and we both don't know what to do. I am officially DESPERATE as I have needs as well. Please help any advice would be welcomed.

How do I help my husband?

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