Premature Ejaculation PE- help! Recently married and suffering from PE? I'm starting not to care abo
about anything anymore. Why should I? I don't feel like he cares about me. My husband and I just had a fight about our sex life. I am sexually frustrated asking him to seek medical attention. I believe he suffers from PE and he doesn't see it as a problem. Often shrugging it off of laughing it off and not acknowledging me when i try to talk about it. I'm feeling angry and feel more and more distant. He says that I shouldn't put it all on him etc. He doesn't feel that he needs to see a doctor. He told me that one shouldn't ask that of their partner. That its not the end of the world??? That it shouldn't be THAT important. We've been together for about 2.5 years and married since last July. I thought it was just stress at first, with a new house, planning a wedding etc...but now there is no excuse. I feel if we don't get help soon we will be in trouble. I love him so much but frustrated that we cannot have a healthy sex life. I miss the closeness. I tried skipping foreplay and get right to intercourse but don't have time to even break a sweat. I know its not all about me here but if someone loves you so much to marry you i think you owe it to that person to at least talk to a doctor. I don't think its selfish. I just want to feel that connection again. I hope he does too. He does use hand stimulation but not all the time leaving me crying in bed, without even realizing that he is causing the way that I am feeling. He says he doesnt' intend to hurt me but I tell him that even though he doesn't intend to, that he is. He are planning to have a family soon but how can we? We don't have intercourse for more than 30 secs and at this point i need our relationship to get stronger before kids get into the mix. I don't want to feel resentful but I am heading in that direction. BTW We are both in our early 30s
Hi LILCHICK,
Your frustration comes through very clearly. It's a difficult situation, made more difficult by the fact that it appears one sided. The fact that your husband doesn't see a problem and appears not to respond to your worries compounds the issue.
What to do? Based on what you have described I'm assuming that intercourse has always been this way (no longer than 30 seconds). My initial thoughts have been ruled out by what you say is his refusal to seek help. This reduces the options but you may like to try this suggestion. It puts the onus of responsibility on you, but it may be worth a go.
Don't give up foreplay. Maybe use the opportunity to tell him about the positive feelings you have for him, his body, parts of his body even. Hold off criticising or judging his sexual performance and focus instead on the things you like. Keep in mind that you saw enough in this man to marry him in the first place. Maybe buy a couple of informative sex books and have these around in the bedroom. You could use the opportunity to discuss some of the techniques, say what you'd like to try and even laugh at some of the things you both find - well, laughable.
This is going to be something of a process. It does occur to me that your man may have certain beliefs about sex, or has had bad experiences with sex, or has been more used to pornography, that may be the root of the problem. These are wild speculations on my part and It's difficult to tease these out without the proper therapeutic context, but the more he trusts you and the less he feels under pressure there is just a chance he might start to disclose (assuming one or other of these is an issue).
Let me just turn to you for a moment. Your frustration is focused on your sex life but could the issue be deeper than this? I don't want to put ideas in your mind but the tone of your email sounded angry and possible even depressed. I just wonder if the unhappiness in your sex life symbolizes other frustrations that you may not be admitting to yourself?
- Thank you for your input
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LILCHICK
Monday, October 19, 2009 at 02:53 PM
Jerry Kennard
Monday, October 19, 2009 at 03:22 PM
Best of luck. Don't take my question about your own state of mind to heart. It's just that situations can either lead to (or are often more complex) than first appears the case. I just wanted to sound your views out. I think it's at least encouraging that your partner at some point in the past was able to delay orgasm. It shows that it's possible. There are techniques he might also like to try (sensate focus) that can delay orgasm - but the situation doesn't sound right - at the moment at least.
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David aka Mr. Manpower
Monday, November 09, 2009 at 04:56 PM
Ooops. Not sure why that first post came out.
LilChick, you need to be understanding of your man's situation. He's laughing it off because he's trying to act like it doesn't bother him, but I'm pretty damn sure he feels terrible about it. He must feel inadequate and futile in his attempts to pleasure you.
Be understanding.
A few things that'll help:
It's all about clitoral stimulation. Your orgasm is based on clitoral stimulation, so have him learn ways to stimulate it. Even with intercourse, there are positions that work to stimulate the clit and not stimulate the penis so much. Like the CAT position. Have him get good at oral so he can make you orgasm before intercourse, and it'll take some of the pressure off of this situation.
He should take a low dose of an SSRI, which is an antidepressant that has been shown to significantly decrease the urge to ejaculate.
However, in most cases, this medication is not enough on it's own to stop premature ejaculation, but it can be an excellent aid to learning ejaculation control.
These exercises will teach him to last longer, with or without the medication, but the meds do help the learning process:
Using Ejaculation Control Exercises and Male Multiple Orgasms to Overcome Premature Ejaculation
Good luck! And be patient!
Thank you for your response. I will try what you suggested. I just wish we could be more open with eachother and wish he could be more comfortable with me to discuss it. I've been through some pretty embarassing medical conditions (not at all serious) but soon overcame my embarassment. As you get older you don't feel as ashamed or shy about your body etc with doctors. I even told him that i would be there with him at the doctors every step of the way, including taking a needle which he is very afraid of. I admit i can be a little harsh but that 's only when he doesn't respond the way that i would like and by that i mean be open to listen and talk about the situation in a mature and rational way. Not sure if he is the type to use things like magazines or other sexual options. We've never used anything else in the past. At first the sex was better, at times he wouldn't last but at times he did long enough for me to orgasm. It was a lot better before. Do I sound depressed? Maybe just a little I do suffer from hyperthyroidism and on medication and we are both not in the best shape since we met. I try my best to get to the gym and he has recently started playing hockey. He also says that the weight may be the cause??? I've gained about 7-10 lbs and he about 15 not a huge amount. But yes i do feel a little stressed about that. I do feel a little depressed when i think about the possibility that we may not be able to conceive or that the sex will not improve and i will have to live with it for the rest of our lives. I wouldn't leave him and i know that some people live with more serious issues. I do love him, just frustrated that there may be some things that we could do to improve but afraid he will not be responsive.