Hi Billy,

I think you've probably answered your own question in the way you describe your circumstances. The 'mechanical' side of things sounds ok, so what's left is the way your emotional state is linked to your physical arousal. Your emotional state clearly isn't helped by the feedback you are receiving which sounds quite negative and unhelpful. You're also too tense, as evidenced by the holding of your breath, and this needs to change. Relax, take more time and use different techniques.

There are a number of self-help books on the market that might help. Sexual arousal isn't all about penetrative sex so learn other techniques to use with or without penetration and allow time for your partner to become aroused. You aren't in competition with former boyfriends, you just need time and practice to develop your skills. Talk with your partner about new ideas and things she might like to try.