I am a 32 year-old single professional and I found out a week ago that I have GH. I had suspected it 2 weeks before that when I started getting extreme itchiness and then painful outbreaks (which I still have). I vacillate between total disbelief and consuming self-hatred for getting myself in this situation. I had gotten this far without any STDs, and was always SO careful about making sure any guy was tested before sex -- even with a condom. I've only had sex with 3 people in my life, which is a lot fewer than anyone else I know my age (who is single). My friends even used to make fun of me for being so paranoid. Then, I made ONE mistake a month ago -- and it wasn't even sex. We got carried away and he just rubbed against me for a little before I told him to stop. I feel SO dumb to not realize how risky that was. It would have been less risky to just have had sex with a condom! I was always the "good girl" -- pretty, lots of friends, smart. I didn't think this could happen to me, or that I'd be so stupid to let myself be put in this position. I am an Ivy-League educated person, and I'm embarrassed to say that I didn't even know that herpes could be contracted from skin-to-skin contact without any exchange of fluids.
I am completely disgusted and angry with myself for being such a complete idiot, and very scared about what is to come. I'm also VERY worried that I will never find someone and not be able to have a family. I was already feeling like time was running out before this happened -- I am going to be 33 soon! -- and now to have this happen is just devastating. I know that it is possible that a guy I'm dating will accept it and me, but to be perfectly honest, if the situation were reversed and I were negative and I liked a guy who was positive, and he told me, I'm really not so sure I'd stick around! Plus, even if he does accept it initially, if he ever contracts it from me, I could see him becoming resentful. Before this, I was scared that I would be alone forever, and now with it, I am downright terrified.
I have been so depressed over this for over a week that I haven't even gotten out of bed. I haven't eaten. I can't sleep more than 3-4 hours a night at most (and fitfully). I have no motivation for anything. My family and friends don't know what is with me because I just dropped out of life. On top of this, I got laid off so I was already depressed before this. Now I feel like I have nothing.
I haven't told anyone -- my family would never understand, they are very conservative. Plus, I don't even have a boyfriend, so they would be doubly as judgmental. I haven't told any of my friends either because I know that they will treat me like a pariah. I have no motivation for anything. feel so alone and full of despair; my life is over.
Learning to accept and live with herpes comes with challenges. I was infected by a partner who denied having any STDs (doctor) in the second year of our relationship and the relationship ended due lack of trust and resentment for gambling with my health. I was in my mid-fifties. Many people infected with the virus refuse to educate themselves in how contagious the virus can be. Men especially are unaware of the medical complications caused to women. Herpes weakened my autoimmune system. I have frequent outbreaks with flu like symptoms and I take an antiviral drug six years later.
I was struck by how honest your share was. I could not enjoy having a sexual relationship with an uninfected partner. I also know that approximately 20% of the infected male population may be infected with HSV-1 (I could still infect them), are married, have other things going in their lives that may not appeal to me, or not interested in women. Even if I weren’t infected, it doesn’t necessarily mean that I would end up in a healthy relationship. For me, I have focused on taking good care of myself and doing things that I enjoy. I learned to accept herpes even though I still have my moments. Life is not always fair but it is a gift. Good luck to you.