Taking Responsibility for Your Sex Life

Penelope James Living With It Send Message Subscribe: Penelope James

Tuesday, March 03, 2009
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Last week I had a refreshing conversation about sex and responsibility with a former lover. I was telling him how my attitude has recently changed, and that I will only engage in sexual relations with someone who knows I have herpes. Believe it or not, this is a contrast from when he me...

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interesting
Pulling through
Tuesday, March 03, 2009 at 03:52 PM

Hello,

This is such a bizarre story. hmm...I think you are right in that it doesn't help send the right message about herpes to the public. I'm kind of torn though on the transmission issue. People's moral perceptions seem to differ more than I ever imagined; I still think it should be a choice to pursue someone knowing the risk and not be unknowingly put into the added risk. But then again, someone turned me down the other day because I told him....I was very sad and in general angry because the more I thought about it...the likelyhood of me passing it to him is probably smaller than him getting it from someone who wasnt honest with him (given that I have genital herpes type 1, and am on Valtrex). Strange huh? This case surely won't improve public perception of the disease. People need to learn the actual facts, prevalence etc. But you are right in that it is the woman's, just as much as the man's, responsibility to ensure condom use (although doesnt necessarily omit the chance of transmission). I'm probably talking in circles but those are my thoughts for now. Interesting post! thanks :)

re: interesting
Penelope James
Wednesday, March 04, 2009 at 03:29 PM

Thanks for your comment. I agree with you that a condom doesn't always protect someone, and that the person who has herpes is responsible for telling his/her partner about it. In no way do I condone having sex with someone without telling him/her about your herpes. But I also think that if you have sex with someone you have to be prepared for whatever the consequences may be.

However, I do think there are exceptions. For example, if a woman is in a serious, committed relationship or marriage, has decided to be exclusive and stop using condoms, and her partner cheats and gives her herpes, then I think she should not feel responsible for the bad judgement of her partner. In that situation, the woman is simply the victim. I guess when I talk about responsibility I mostly mean people who are dating or having casual sex with others.

I think you were right to tell your potential partner about your herpes. It's true that he probably wouldn't be in much risk with you, and that he could have more risks with someone else, or he could actually be putting you or others at risk if he has a disease he doesn't know about (like HPV). Yup, it's totally unfair. Did you mention that to him? Oh well, there are plenty of people out there who aren't so freaked out by it. Just keep being honest and you'll find someone who appreciates it.

Thanks for reading, glad you enjoyed!

Responsibility
Managing
Saturday, March 14, 2009 at 07:09 PM

I was diagnosed with genital herpes about a year ago. After 7 years with the same partner I was just starting to feel a bit more comfortable with my sexuality. I have a a past history of sexual abuse. The hardest part of this whole ordeal has been feeling as if I did not protect myself. I trusted someone else to protect me and obviously that trust was misplaced. Everyone has the responsibility to protect themselves. We cannot blame others. The courts were wrong to award that amount of money in this situation. It definitely sends the wrong message. This disease, while inconvenient is not necessarily life threatening. I could not imagine keeping my condition secret if I were to get involved in a relationship again.

Are insurnance companies choosing not to insure people because of a herpetic condition??

re: Responsibility
Penelope James
Sunday, March 15, 2009 at 07:05 PM

Thanks for your input. I'm sorry to hear about your story, and, like I said above, I think if you were cheated on while in a committed relationship you really shouldn't be so hard on yourself as you couldn't have known.

Yes, insurance companies have the right to deny you for whatever they want. So whether it's a history of heart disease, herpes, depression, you name it, you will have a much harder time getting affordable insurance, unless it's through your company. It's a shame our country seems to believe that healthcare is a priviledge and not a right. Hopefully we can change that.

I feel your pain
somethingncommon
Thursday, April 02, 2009 at 11:20 AM

I read your previous posts on casual sex and can say that I agree. I have had HSV2 for 12 years and have outbreaks sporadically based on stress or intercourse irritation. I have told men that I either had a relationship with or cared deeply about. I have never been rejected. But on the occasions that I have had casual sex (protected), I have not disclosed my status because I knew that nothing was going to develop, used protection, and would never sleep with anybody during a symptomatic period. I also had a 8 year relationship where we never used protection and he never got it. I recently had protected sex with a guy who I liked and couldn't bring myself to tell. People can judge if they want but it is hard to travel down that road and risk constant rejection. I have been stressing because afterwards due to the friction and 2 years of abstinence, I am now having an outbreak. But once it's done you can't take it back. This always reaffirms why I dislike casual sex. I am praying that I will find "the one" who will not care about it and I can settle down and put this guilt trip and stressful issue behind me.

Forget the haters, it helps to have someone like you who keeps it real!