So, like most of us on here....I have it. And my attitude about it changes multiple times a day. And lately it has been affecting me a lot. So I wanted to share my story and get some feedback....
I am 26 years old. A few years ago, I met someone and fell for him hard. I was in a place at the time where I had already gone through some tramatic sexual experiences that left me feeling powerless when it came to sex:
My very first sexual experience was a with a boyfriend who became physically abusive and when I broke up with him, he raped me. I was 19. Determined not to let that carry over into my next relationship I tried to pretend it didnt happen. The first time I had sex in the next relationship, I started to cry and felt dirty. I decided to take time to heal. I abstained from anything sexual and avoided relationship after relationship for nearly 2 years. The next relationship I entered into was with a best friend. I figured I could trust a friend with my heart and my body. He cheated on me with my college soccer team mates. And yes that is plural. I then decided to abstain again. When I finally felt ready again, I didnt wait to be in a relationship but I practiced safe sex condoms etc. I wanted my power back, Sexually and emotionally. I, as a woman, separated the two.
So I had made a conscious effort to take control of my sexuality. I was not going to abstain any longer because to be honest, I enjoyed it and after seeking counseling for the rape and the cheating, I felt in control. Even with the traumatic memories I love sex. I was tested between every partner and practiced safe sex. I never once tested positive for anything. I eventually met someone who broke through my elaborate walls. He had shared with me a recent heartbreak and told me this story about his ex cheating on him and getting married two weeks later. And I felt for him. I was there for him. We fell in love. For the first time in a long time I was ready for an emotional and sexual relationship. But, I was going to be careful with a my heart. I told him if I slept with him right away I would probably not ever see him as anything more so if he wanted more from me we would have to wait. So we did. But not that long we were mad about eachother.
After a few months of dating he called me into his bedroom with a panic in his voice. He pulled out a medicine bottle he said that he had found under his bed. It was for Valtrex and it had his ex girlfriends name on it. At that time I knew I had heard of Valtrex but I couldnt remember what it was for. He asked me if I knew. I said "I think I have heard it on a commercial or something, its probably for a mood disorder or depression or something" and he made a joke and we left it at that. A few weeks later I found a weird bump. I thought it was and ingrown hair so I went to the doctor because I go for ANYTHING down there and I mean ANYTHING.
AND GUESS WHAT FOLKS....THATS RIGHT HERPES!!! This was a doctor that gave me all my sports physicals and advice on birth control and everything. I told him no way! It has to be something else. There is absolutely no way after everything I have been through and how safe I have been that I have this. NO EFFIN WAY. I made my boyfriend come into the room with us and had the doctor tell him too. I was devastated. But in my mind, I had one thing no one else had, him. I was so concerned about how he felt. That outbreak turned out to have me in bed for five days. I couldnt walk. I was supposed to have gone on a trip with my job where I was going to meet the President. And NO I was in bed with this! I was so devastated. I started researching EVERYTHING!! I googled and read and read and then that magical word stopped me dead in my tracks...VALTREX....I called my boyfriend, who was conveniently scarce these five horrible days. I told him "SHE HAD IT AND SHE KNEW...How did she not tell you?! She was taking medication in the house you two shared and didnt tell you! How could she?!" He got all worked up talking about wanting to sue. WOW...right?!
That first outbreak was the only one I suffered and it has been almost 4 years since then. I have a three months supply of daily acyclovir for when I am ready to be sexually active and I always always use a condom with my partners that I have informed. I think that protecting your partners and being honest is the biggest lesson to be learned from my story.
wow i read the entire thing im very sorry :(.. u have been thru alot...well i dont have much advice for u since im only 16 and me myself is barely getting through all this.but your story really got to me especially since im datting and have herpes(and hpv :( ). you know how u lost ur baby well mayb God wanted it that way since u wernt goin to stay with the guy it was better for u and the baby because that baby was goin to remind u of him everyday. i understand how ur scared to date because i am to. well u have more reason. but i know ull find the right guy 4 u one that treats u right. i guess u just have to give them a chance but not take things to fast. Just remember a lot of people have some kind of herpes u r not dirty. and if any guy says that then they r not worth ur time i mean they should b mature enough.dirty is the one word that puts me down i think no guy will ever want to have sex with me cuz of my past but i always tell myself i will find the right guy one day. funny thing is im still in the relationship with the guy that gave me chlaymydia but he doesnt even know i have herpes or hpv its not that i havnt told him but he doesnt care much....but yea i wish u the best and hope one day u find happiness wich u turly deserve
Your story absolutely breaks my heart. I couldn't imagine going through all those terrible things you have been forced to go through. I'm sorry these things happened in your life, but I really pray you don't give up hope for the future. I guess you just should look at it from the perspective that things just HAVE to get better from here on out, right? God will never put anything on your plate that he doesn't think you can handle. Things will get better, I promise. Just from reading your post, I can tell you are a well educated young woman who does have a lot to offer a man. Unfortunately that's the only thing you have been unsuccessful with... finding a MAN. You have been lured in by untrustworthy douchebags, not real men. I just want you to know that there is someone out there worthy of being with you. He will accept you completely and unconditionally. I am not sure if I have found this yet, but I have most definitely made a big step in the right direction. I am 24 years old and was first diagnosed 9 months ago. I was completely depressed and lost in my own life. I am so grateful to have found someone who accepts me for all of me, and NEVER once has made me feel dirty or unwanted just because I have herpes. He was so thankful and relieved that I let him know this before exposing it to him. It allowed us to have a much higher level of trust with one another and we are open about everything else we encounter because of it. I can finally say I am happy again, (and although some may not agree it should have taken a man to make me feel this way) it was knowing that I would be accepted and loved again that truely made the difference. There IS someone out there for you, please don't get stuck in a rut. If you never try again, you might miss out on an amazing guy. I hope my story can give you some hope... I know I sure needed it when I was at my lowest point. It would have been good to hear life goes on and I would be loved again. I wish you the best of luck with everything, and I know one day in your future you will look back at all of this, happily in love, and realize your experiences just made you that much stronger of a person because of it.