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Hi Jon,

Thank you for sharing your situation and questions. I am not a doctor, so I cannot give you medical advice. But I do have, and am knowledgeable about, genital herpes and may be able to shed some light on your concerns.

First and foremost let me tell you that nothing is for sure. I respond to many people on this website that ask whether their partner will get infected if they do X, Y and Z. There is no way to know. Some people have infected their partners when they showed no symptoms of the disease, while others have maintained long-term relationships without ever passing it on. That said, I will try to answer your specific concerns.

If your partner does not have herpes, or any other STD, and you do not have oral herpes (which it sounds like you don't) then it should be safe for you to perform oral stimulation on your partner's genitals. In fact, it may even be possible for your partner to give you oral stimulation as well, as long as you are safe about it. By safe I mean that you could use condoms or dental dams, and/or maintain a healthy lifestyle and be constantly aware of your body. I would be a hypocrite if I told you you shouldn't receive oral sex. I receive it. I never do if I'm having an outbreak, or if there's any question about having an outbreak. I also take anti-virals daily, and that's  because, if I don't, I suffer from chronic outbreaks. I openly admit I've never used a dental dam. So rather than depriving yourself of that simple pleasure, just be smart and honest about it.

Manual stimulation of your genitals with his fingers probably won't cause an infection in him. Of course there is always a potential risk - like if he has a cut on his hand and you are having an outbreak - but it is very unlikely. If you do find yourself in the situation I just described, then just don't perform that sexual act.

There should be no risk of infection by kissing as long as you don't have oral herpes. Even if you perform oral sex on your partner, if he is not infected, there won't be any transmission of disease. Maybe when you gave oral sex to your ex-husband you did not contract oral herpes. Maybe you did. It is hard to tell if you've never had an outbreak on your mouth.

If your partner does become infected, there is no telling how long it could take for the sores to appear. He could develop blisters in a couple days, months, years, or maybe even never. That is why this disease is so difficult and confusing. Everyone experiences it differently.

To summarize, you only risk spreading herpes when an infected part of your body comes in contact with a mucous membrane or an open sore of someone else's body. You cannot spread it through uninfected parts of your body. There is always a potential risk to infect someone else, but that doesn't mean you will always infect him.

I hope that was helpful. I suggest you find out more about genital herpes by reading The Basics of Genital Herpes s-2518-14, Transmission, and Genital Herpes Prevention 

Good luck! 

PJ