But the fact was, it was already stinging...so I applied it gingerly over the visible sores, only to realize that yeah, hmm, even if the stinging increased only by a fraction, it still increased. So I grabbed a handful of tissues, jammed a folded postcard into my mouth to bite down on for the pain, and patted most of the cream off.

I noticed later that I hadn't had any fevers today as opposed to the past 3 days although the nodes in my neck are still swollen (the right side more than the left...0.o) as are the ones in my genital area. Walking is even more awkward, and it keeps giving that sharp sting, but we can make it through if this stage doesn't last long or I have a relapse.

I've always thought I had a strong immune system. I don't get sick too often, and prefer not to take medication for the occasional cold. I prefer to ride them through. But when I do get a fever, maybe once a year or so, I become a big needy baby. So this time's been hell for me. But hopefully my immune system really is strong and all this not getting sick wasn't pure dumb luck, and everything will be fine. I would gladly love to be among that small group of people who never get another outbreak after the first one.

What did I assume you would get from reading this graphic and long rant of my whinings? Well if you're feeling like this, or felt like this at any point, you know there's someone else suffering too. It's like comfort in numbers in a way. You feel better knowing you have someone who knows what you went through. Also, it's an insight for those people who want an uncut look into what a severe (in my opinion anyway...I mean one or two blisters is NOT a first outbreak. The first outbreak is supposed to be the worst outbreak. If it gets any worse than this, I personally couldn't stand it) initial herpes outbreak is like. Or it can serve as a reason to have sex with a condom no matter how much you hate it, cos hey, so the sex isn't all that great, but you can work on that. I know I'd rather do that than get herpes if I could do things over. But as it is, I just want to get over this outbreak now so that I can emerge on the other side, standing straight and walking normally again, with no pain and excruciating bathroom experiences.

I hope this does help some of you out there in whatever way it can. Thanks for bearing with this post to the end.

I also hope that if you have herpes, you do learn to take it in stride and roll with it. I'm gonna do the best I can to do just that. Hopefully I'll keep coming back here with my experiences when appropriate.

Love you all.