found out about 4 months ago that i got genital HSV 1 from a man i'd been dating for 6 months. He had cold sores, and I told him that they were herpes, but he went on about he had them since childhood and they were no big deal, so i tried to act like they weren't. Well, needless to say, he went down on me when he was just starting to get one, and i contracted hsv 1. He initially blamed me, accused me of cheating, and ultimately wasn't there for me when i found out (although he went to the doctor, he was ready to walk home while i was crying over the steering wheel about to have a panic attack). I stayed in the relationship for another 4 months and suffered mental and physical abuse believing that nobody was ever going to love me.
I'm still struggling and I have my low days, like today. How am I ever going to tell anyone? i've been seeing this guy and i am TERRIFIED of telling him, and if he denies me I worry about him telling others. I am still finding it hard to believe that anyone will love me.
A part of me wants to be a bad person and keep it a secret forever, technically i've read genital hsv 1 is the least contagious because it doesn't have a "home advantage", as it usually occurs on the mouth.
i'm so sad, i've always been the "good girl" and i got involved with a bad guy
Hey sweetheart. I'm not calling you that to be forward. I just like saying it more than your melancholy "lost and lonely" moniker.
First and foremost, you need to understand that this disease doesn't define you. You are STILL a good girl. You may have made some poor decisions that led to your current situation, but haven't we all? Welcome to being human. You are still the same wonderful person you've always been. Don't forget that your guy played a major role in this, too. It's not all on you. He knew about his disease, no matter how much he downplayed it, and still chose to put you at risk.
Secondly, you need to start taking a realistic view of what you have. Herpes is nothing more than the equivalent of an annoying (and sometimes uncomfortable) rash at it's worst. Is it life-threatening? No. Does it hinder you sexually? No. (Maybe during an outbreak, but I'd argue that a Herpes outbreak doesn't hinder you sexually any more than your period does.) Does it prevent you from having children? No. So why are you so "lost and lonely?" You don't have AIDS. You don't have cancer. You don't have HPV. Heck, you don't even have TYPE 2 Herpes (Genital Herpes)... you have TYPE 1. Not much better, but even you recognize the advantages to that.
Third, recognize that you can't change the past. We all want to press "rewind" and change those key moments that we view as mistakes, but you can't. You only get one shot at this life, so you need to concentrate on what you CAN change: Your future. DO NOT HIDE THIS FROM ANYONE. I'm not saying to wear a t-shirt that says "Hi, I have Herpes," but I am begging you to be honest with anyone who may be a potential sex partner. If you hide this and infect others, you are worse than the guy that infected you, and believe me, knowing you've infected someone else is 10 times worse than just knowing you have it.
I know it will be hard to tell someone. Despite all I've told you, I know that because it's sexual in nature, this disease carries the weight of a "dirty" societal stigma. But telling someone you have Herpes is way easier than having them tell you that they got it from you. You will have people that will react negatively. Guys are assholes. I hate to admit that, but as a guy, I know how some will react. BUT, there are plenty of great men out there that will love you despite having Herpes. You just need to keep that in mind, and don't let the idiots get you down. If they judge you on something as trivial as this, they're not worth keeping around. Besides, many of these idiots probably already have Herpes, too... they just don't know because they haven't been tested.
So keep your head up, sweetheart. It's not the end of your world. You still have so much to be happy about. Keep that in mind.