I Need Advice (telling others about my HSV) and living with myself...

I'm on the same boat, I just found out yesterday.  What gets me even more is that 3 weeks ago I was tested and it was negative, then I got an infection after 6 months of not having sex, they tested me again and it was positive.  I just started seeing a new guy so now he's freaking out, assuming he has it now, and isn't sure what he wants to do in terms of me.  I'm pretty sure he's going to run cuz no one wants to deal with  this if they don't have to.  I feel disgusting, who's going to want a woman with an uncurable disease that can be passed along without even knowing it.  I feel like I'm going to be alone forever now because of this.  I just want to know how people live with this and if they can be loved by someone again. 

I was diagnosed about 8 years ago. I have dated a few people and was honest. They accepted it but the realtionships ended for other reasons So I am dating again. In April I told a man I was dating about it he was like ok. Then he decided to end the relationship. There are other things he didnt like also. So I recently started dating a man. We have dated for 7 weeks and I knew I had to tell him, so I did. His reaction was this is pretty heavy, I have to think about it. He said he really liked me and he wanted to give it a try. Tonight we were to spend the night together. We went to see a movie and before the movie started I told him I think I had a breakout(should of told him after the movie). He said what a buzz kill and shut down. I asked him if everything was ok and he would not answer me. I said am I still staying the night and he wouldnt answer. I was hurt and of course crying. I told him I was leaving and he let me go. I like him so much I could of seen a future with him. So of course I left him a message asking if it was over. He is probably still at  the movies  but I dont know if he will call. I like what someone said the disease does not define me. I do to feel like I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. I am so scared to tell someone because I know it will be over. I try to be honest and I get screwed. I realy am hurting so much.

This makes me so sad to hear :(  I haven't had to tell anyone about mine yet.  Its only been 3 months since I was diagnosed and I haven't met any guys worthy of even trying a relationship with.  I think I am only getting thru it bc I still see my ex-boyfriend.  He knows about it of course, and still has protected sex with me so I don't have to go looking for anybody anytime soon but I know eventually I will want to move on and have another meaningful relationship. 

I am so sorry that in your experience guys have been less than willing to accept this as a tiny part of your life and instead label this as 'what you are'.  That is my worst fear...that I will fall for a guy and when I decide to finally tell him, he will shut down and then shut me out. 

All I can say for both of our sakes is that we just haven't met the right person yet.  Someone does exist out there for the both of us, I know it in my heart.  There will be someone you completely fall in love with that will overlook what you have and will accept you for everything you are.  Its so hard for us to keep our hopes up, but when we do find someone it will be SO worth all the hard times.  Keep your head up and I will try to do the same!

That's what I'm looking for as well.  I don't know how we could talk more about it, I could give you a facebook link or myspace or something?  Do you think that's safe on this website?  If not maybe create an AIM account so its easier to write back and forth.  I do need support and to just share stories and thoughts about my future with somone else who truely knows what its like.  I have noticed it feels really good to help others in our situation as well, so hopefully you can have this same feeling.  Let me know what you think...

You said it exactly as I think it.  I miss the special bond I had with my ex-boyfriend.  He is there for me and although we are not together we hang out all the time and continue to have sex.  He obviously knows about my HSV and requests that we use condoms all the time and it's just not the same.  We refrain from sexual contact if I have any symptom of a breakout but he is surprisingly not afraid to do oral if I am clear.  He has since been tested and came back negative.  I think using condoms when no symptoms of a breakout will be able to work for us, so I am at least grateful for that.  I want to let you know my Dr. informed me that one out of three people have built up an immunity to catching this disease so it is hopeful that your future sexual partner could be one.  Of course you should not bet on it and always be careful and let your partner know your situation before having sex.  I could not imagine how I would feel if I did pass this disease to anyone else so being honest is the only thing I can do now.  I haven't had to tell a guy that I am interested in starting a relationship with, so this is what i am dreading and so worried that he will not want me anymore.  I guess that's why i keep seeing my ex... I know he accepts me and I don't have to worry about him not wanting me because of it. 

Yeah thats exactly how i feel. Me and my boyfriend had a talk the other night. he told me he finally got to finish reading an article about gential herpes and how to keep safe. he told me he wants to have sex with me. But when he told me I told him that I honestly dont feel like im ready. He told me he thinks during the whole time of us having sex he would be worried about catching it and it would be hard for us to relax. Is that how you and your partner felt before have sex the first time while you had the virus? How often do you guys have sex, a lot? Im very sorry if that was too much of a personal question but I just need to talk to people who are having sex with H. I will feel extremly horrible if I pass this on to him. He has been there for me through the times when he should have left. I feel very honered for him to want to stay in my life AND still have sex with me knowing its possible he could get it to :(

And another question how are you for sure it's safe to have sex when you have no signs of any outbreaks? And what are the symptoms of having a pre-outbreak (or whatever its called)  Would the symptoms be clear as ice before engaging in sex? 

Thank You...

I know exactly what you mean, don't even worry about it I am very open about any questions people have bc I just want to try to help anyone else that has gone through what I have had to go through.

Well my ex and I did have sex pretty soon after we found out that I had it.  Maybe 3 weeks after my first outbreak we did, and honestly he isnt scared for some reason.  I let him know how it can be transfered and I think as long as there are no symptoms of a breakout or near breakout and you use condoms every time, then you should both be okay.  Although this has been true for me, everyone is different.  If your bf is well informed then yall should try when you are completely clear and I think after the first couple of times, the fear of possibly passing it on will hopefully begin to fade.

As far as outbreaks go, I do know there are a few signs that will let you know you might possibly have one soon.  Some people will feel a slight burning or itching discomfort in the area and may have physical body aches.  I have noticed these things a couple times, but they never directly developed into anything.  During this time however I did not have sex bc this is considered to be a 'shedding stage'.  My body was trying to shed the virus so even though I did not have a breakout, I was still highly likely to pass HSV on at this time.  I have had only one 'outbreak' in the past 2 months but you really have to be careful bc my ex bf was actually the one to notice it, not me.  I had one bump and never developed any more.  I never had any of the pre-symptoms and when I found it I made sure to constantly wash my hands throughout the day and of course after using the restroom and it soon healed on its own. I do not take any medications, although if I had insurance at this time I would bc it is a great way to prevent outbreaks from ever forming.  This might help your bf to feel more comfortable if he knew you were on daily preventative meds.

I hope this helped you out a little bit.  Please do not feel disgusting.  I have only had this for a little over 2 months now and was completely depressed in the beginning, but I am already noticing that life goes on, and you could be MUCH worse off than the situation you are currently in.  Just keep your head up and know it isn't the end of the world even if it seems that way for days or even weeks at a time. 

Awwwww!!!!!!!!! thank you soooo so much!

you made me smile after reading the end. Yeah its been about the same time as you since ive had H. i think im getting to the point where im accepting it. and yeah i do see it as it could be something much worse. I will be more careful and take notice of any bumps i have. Honestly im sort of getting use to it. i research about Herpes pretty much every day.  and honestly i believe the media DOES make it out worse than it really is. and i think thats why i was extremely depressed..  But in all realization...its a virus thats not going to kill me, and not keep me from doing daily activities, walking, talking, or pretty much disable me. And there are sooo many virus' out there that cause outbreaks and affects the immune system. i dont know i might be so positive today because im having a good day...but anywho just thought id share some thoughts. thank you again..

Awww!  Thank you so much for that!  I really have had many more positive days lately than negative ones so that's been good... But I still have those times when I just don't see any guy I would want to ever want me in return knowing what I have.  Your words just helped me realize that if they are unaccepting of me bc of this disease, then they aren't somebody I would want to be with anyway.  Do you go to support groups face-to-face regularly?  I think that might be something that could tremendously help me (and many others) as well.

No, not yet. I actually came across this website in my search of a good counseling place. In my area, there are counseling for depression (which i have) but i did not find amy particular STD group therapy, but they did have people that would talk to you about what it does.. which pissed me off because if someone is reaching out for help and the problem is common, then why make it so difficult to find what they need... maybe i should start my own lol but seriously if you hear of any group thereapies let me know. i think the depression/anxiety one would help people with herpes, but it might be awkward if their the only one in the group that has it, ya know what i mean... so i dont know im still looking.... ugh!!! but yea if your looking to date theres a website called MPwH.com (meet people with herpes) and its pretty cool.

im very glad to hear that i helped you, i hate feeling sad and depressed, but the best way to deal with a problem is talking, thats why i was desperatley searching the internet for anything. but yea i know exaclty what you mean in the relationship area.  i made many mistakes in the past, but just because you or me or anyone has herpes doesnt make us bad people. i had to realize that because i too felt disgusting and i didnt feel worthy of anyones time. yea there will be assholes out there that get scared and run away, but you can oercome and meet a loving individual that might even say "baby, give me what you got!!" =] that would be..wow. but in the meantime we gotta play our cards right, be cautious of who you tell, and stay strong if people are prejudice.

I feel like everyone on here has been inside my head or reading my journal for the past month! It is very comforting to know that I am not the only one having these thoughts, fears, questions, and depression. I try everday to belive that I can live a happy normal lifestyle and a happy normal sex life at that! I've been with my partner for 2 years and the week we found out of the most emotional and difficut of our relationship... but we have come out of it stronger and closer to one another. The next hurdle for me is having sex again. I really sympathized with someone on here who was saying how she wasn't sure she could feel sexy again, or be comfortable having sex without freaking out about transmitting it to her partner. I too have done WAY too much research on the subject and have turned into a bit of a hypocondriac because of it. I don't know if I could handle knowing I gave the person I love something that has cuased me so much pain and suffering. I need to chill out! But how? does acceptance come with time? How does one become comfortable with their bodies again after knowing this virus is inside them? The ironic thing, I work at Planned Parenthood and even in that environment I don't feel comfortable to have people know I have HSV. AND WE TREAT IT ALL THE TIME!

I was very scared about passing this to my ex-boyfriend whom I am still talking to (although I know we will never be back together... its mainly for comfort).  We are again sexually active and of course he is aware of my HSV. 

I was in your same shoes and just did not feel attractive any longer and was extremely worried about giving this disease to him.  We have had to change a few aspects of our sex lives of course, but I have found that we can both still be completely satisfied.

We use condoms EVERY time we have sex.  Yes, I know this is not ideal, but its something you definitely will have to start doing.  He will still go down on me, but only if there is no sign of a breakout.  He is okay with me doing the same to him at any time bc I have never had anything on my mouth.  I would very much reccommend getting on a daily preventative med (acyclovir) to prevent outbreaks from ever occuring.  THis lessens the chance of you passing it on by over 90% according to my Dr.  I would be on these meds if I currently had insurance.  (BTW you mentioned you worked at Planned Parenthood... is there any plan they have to help out with the cost of perscriptions?)

So recently my ex was tested to see if he had HSV.  After all of our sexual contact he came back negative.  I just hope this shows you that although it CAN be easily spread, if you take the proper precautions, it is very likely you will never give it to your partner.  I hope you can soon be intimate again, I know its a huge part of a relationship and please don't ever feel gross or that you are not sexy!  This is just an annoying new part of your life that you will have to deal with, it does not make you the person you are.  Best of luck