My girlfriend just told me that she contracted Genital Herpes from a past relationship. I feel like she is someone I can spend the rest of my life with but I want to get educated. We were very sexually active (with protection) before she got an outbreak and told me. I know there is a chance of getting herpes even when she doesn't have an outbreak. I want to have kids someday and that would involve not using condoms. What can I do? How high is the risk?
its men like you that i pray for. i got a man who is not infected and we are engaged now. when i told him he said he will always love me and never leave and he didnt. we want kids on day too but not sure on how to do that let me know what u and ur girl gonna do. its big of u to stay with ur girl thru this hard time for her, i really hope god blesses you, cause u are a great man.
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Logic750, while I am not a medical professional, I am one of the approximate 45 million people in the U.S. living with HSV-2. After I was diagnosed, to learn more about the virus and to put myself at ease, I read a lot of these online discussion boards. I've been living with the virus for eight years now and I still participate online hoping to be a sense of encouragement, understanding, or just an invisible friend/mother-figure that won't and can't judge.
Clearly, you tremendously care about your partner or you wouldn't be interested in researching the virus instead of just dissolving the relationship; I commend you. I am slightly disappointed that she did not disclose her condition prior to you both engaging in protected sex. Understandably so, I am a mature, married, woman not having to face the pressures of being an infected-single adult trying to find and sustain a partner. First thing is first, assuming you've both been in a monogamous relationship for some time if you are sexually active together, there should be some level of stable communication, use it to your advantage. Ask questions allowing her to disclose whatever she feels comfortable with. (i.e. receiving test results, how long she has had it, previous partners, outbreaks - has she had many/what are they like?, prevention therapy, so forth.) Be mindful not to be overbearing as well as be open and willing to accept whatever amount of information she is at ease telling you. At first, it will be a very uncomfortable situation for you both; value that she most likely was a victim and I am sure she is a nervous wreck with the possibility of losing a good relationship for the sake of being defined by a virus (1 in 4 women have; 1 in 8 men; 1 in 5 general population has) rather than who she is.
My experience in shortened version: A 40-something-divorcee just getting settled into a semi-new relationship when I found out that I was HSV-2-positive. HSV-2 is commonly under-diagnosed because its symptoms are similar to other health conditions such as urinary tract infections, for example. (According to studies, approximately 90% of HSV-2 positive people have not been diagnosed and are unaware of their condition.) There is a heightened awareness about STDs now days and while at my physician's office for an annual female checkup, in general conversation, I was asked if I was ever tested for STDs. Immediately embarrassed, further insulted, I instantly turned down the test. She had a further, private, conversation with me and I was persuaded into being tested. I came back HSV-2 positive. My relationship was just in the infancy stage and we had not been using any form of protection; after a very tearful talk with my (now) husband, he was tested (negative) and I began to take suppressant therapy immediately.
If you are honestly considering spending the rest of your life with this girl, I would say it is worth trying to work through. I strongly recommend continuing to do what you're doing: research and (I can't stress enough) talk to her. There is a lot of feedback explaining oral herpes can lead to genital herpes although rarely seen reversed. (http://www.healthcentral.com/genital-herpes/c/86/8866/oral-sex) I am not encouraging unprotected intercourse, however my husband and I do not practice safe sex 100% of the time and he is still HSV-2 free. I feel a big reason for it is (other than suppressant therapy) I do a self-inspection daily checking for sores, since I have had previous outbreaks - I know what the symptoms of an oncoming outbreak for me are so I can take precaution, and finally I tell my husband.
I wish I could provide more input towards your heaviest concern: building a family in the future, but my two girls are grown. Hopefully, either a physician or another individual will provide you a more in depth response. Lastly, here's a blog that I found to be very informative and helpful: http://yoshi2me.com/herpes/
Good luck.
Barbhopes
Thank you for your response. I read that suppressants might hide the symptoms if you take then everyday. What are your experiences with them? Which you works best? Thank You again for all the help.
Ok - so, I never posted before but I was motivated to comment because both the answer and the question touch close to home with me. I was transmitted the virus by a previous ex and, oddly enough, I recently told my boyfriend also. I came home today and was reading these forums, as I guess it's something that us infected individuals do to feel better about our "condition". Speaking on behalf of the individuals out there having to tell our partners, Barbhopes said it best, I am a "nervous wreck over the possibility of losing a good relationship for the sake of being defined by a virus instead of who I am".
My own opinion, think of suppressant therapy the same way as a cold. I could be way off base here but this how it was explained to me before I started taking it. Now, I haven't had very many nor significant outbreaks since I was diagnosed positive for HSV-2 - most of them were when I was diagnosed because I was completely stressed out and upset - which triggers outbreaks. The suppressant therapy does many things but three of the most important things for us is the fact that it reduces the frequency of outbreaks, the severity of outbreaks, and the duration of the outbreak. Symptoms range from person to person, I have three friends (two my age and one that is my brother-in-law's mom) that have genital herpes. We've compared our stories with each other, more my "mother-in-law" and I than my girlfriends and I, except I've been sharing a lot with one inparticular because she was recently diagnosed.
So anyways...if you take a daily vitamin you normally have a stronger immune system to ward of getting a seasonal cold right? Once you are sick you start taking over the counter prescriptions or go to the doctor if it's serious enough to feel better right? It's all the same. There's multiple kinds of therapy, there's an intermittant therapy that you can take just for when you "feel" signs of an outbreak (again different for each person but some are painful urination, "spotting" (soft bleeding), a general genital pain (like you got injuried there). Or there's a therapy which is true suppressive therapy that you take each day. It's not that they "hide" the symptoms but they prevent the symptoms and with preventing the symptoms you prevent having an outbreak, the duration of the outbreak, the severity of the outbreak, and potentially the ability to transmit the virus. [I am not a doctor either but, I've had this for three years myself and I am just recalling what I know from reading].
It also allows me to feel like I have power of my own outbreaks - since I was diagnosed, I've had only, maybe, seven outbreaks. At first I was taking Acyclovir as an intermittant therapy because I am fortunate to have very very mild outbreaks, I am talking "a" sore during an outbreak, and very very few outbreaks. I decided that I wanted to take something more steadily versus waiting for signs or thinking I was having a symptom so my doctor put me on a daily treatment of Acyclovir. Over all, I needed it for my sanity too. It was easier to cope with because I felt like I was doing something proactive to mitigate having an outbreak.
I didn't mean to interrupt your previous discussion but like I said, I was just browsing and stumbled upon this post and I felt like I had to comment, or maybe I saw this comment to make me feel better about what's going on in my own life. My boyfriend hasn't talked to me since I've told him. I just keep praying and hoping that he's researching too and just needs time to digest the information. I did choose to tell him before we had sex though - I wanted him to make the choice to stay with me versus "oh, well, we've already had sex. I've already been exposed" or even the risk of him thinking I was trying to trap him or even lie to him. I hope everything works out for us both.
Here's some websites I tried to find for you to read:
http://adam.about.com/reports/000052_10.htm
http://www.webmd.com/genital-herpes/antiviral-medications-for-genital-herpes
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/genital-herpes/ds00179/dsection=treatments-and-drugs
http://www.ihmf.org/general/resources05.asp
Alright, final though unless you ask a question...I may not be able to save my own relationship but if I can help someone else I'm glad to be lend some insight. (And surprisingly, writing on here actually has made me feel a little better). Here's a truth, between finding out and being with the guy that I am with in a relationship with now, I had a fiance. "Coming out" to someone is probably one of the most difficult things I have had to do in my life. I hate it. Matter of fact, I locked myself in the bathroom and cried and cried after I told him. I was sick to my stomach. He was the first boyfriend I've told (granted only eight people in my life know). For whatsoever reason he was beyond completely okay with it. He actually had to convince me it was ok. On top of which, my relationship with him was the reason I started taking suppressant therapy daily and it made me extremely ill initially. He wanted me to quit taking it and furthermore he was crazy enough that he didn't care if he contracted it or not because he was planning on being with me "forever". I refused to stop taking the medication because in my eyes, coming from a divorced home, nothing is forever - not even when you say "I do". Especially in the world we live in today. Nonetheless, we didn't use protection when we had sex. I am allergic to latex (yea, not so lucky there) and occassionally we would use the "natural" condoms but not routinely. We were together for over a year and he had never contracted it. Horrible punch line to the story, but, after he was the one trying to convince me of "forever together" he cheated on me. (Ahem, not the smartest thing to do when your partner is positive and contracted it because her ex couldn't keep it in his pants). So, there's two people that haven't practiced routine condom-sex and two people saying their partner did not contract it... I personally made sure my ex was tested too.
Just a thought. I agree with Barb though - I don't know what your situation is or if you guys live together or what not, but I hope you are asking questions. There's only so much research you can do. The rest is discussion. Ask her if she would mind if you came to the doctor with her - I wouldn't mind and if she is sincere she won't either.
CopingLeo
Thank You for sharing your experince. The first thing I told her was that she needed to go to the doctor and i wanted to go with her. She said ok. I am the only person that knows she has HSV-2 beside the guy that gave it to her. I'm sure it wasn't easy for her to tell me. She hasn't seen the doctor since she was diagnosed a year and a half ago. She said she never looked into to taking medication because when she has an outbreak it's very mild with no pain. She says that she feels that she is going to have an outbreak about a day or 2 before it happens. I'm guessing she is asymptomatic about 2 days after the outbreak is gone. I want to take every percaution possible. I don't want to be part of the 1 of 5 Americans to have HSV. Like you said nothing is forever and I don't want to transmit it to someone else if I do have another partner in the future. How long after an outbreak is it safe to have sex again (with protection of course)?
Thank You Again. I feel its more useful to hear from people with experience than a doctor who doesn't deal with it personally.