How do you get past the potential guilt of possibly transmitting herpes to someone else? My ex-boyfriend gave me herpes 2 years ago, when he also learned he had it. I've only been with him since finding out, but am recently trying to re-enter the dating world. I am having serious trouble accepting the fact that I may very well give this to a man I care about at some point. I just can't accept that guilt. I have no intentions to sleep around, and have never even attempted to have the talk yet, but at some point I'd like to think I will meet someone who I will have to tell. I didn't ask for this. I have trouble dealing with my constant outbreaks...how can I do this to someone else? And even if I give it to someone else, they may spread it to someone after as well...the ripple effect might be tremendous. Are there any books or anything that may help me accept this? I am so scared to date someone who does not have herpes, but can't quite imagine highlighting that I will only date men with herpes. I am terrified of making someone else as miserable as I am...any help would be very much appreciated.
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11/28/10 11:40am
I gave herpes to my ex-girlfriend 3 years ago, I still remember how she got angry at me. And this memory never fades away from my mind, and I sometimes still suffer from it. I had a oral sex to her, and she got it. At the same time, I learned that I had. We ended up breaking up in the same yeaer, and I had another girlfriend for a month after. Even though it was a short term, I put a great care about protection. I never kissed while I had a relapse. Now, I'm not really thinking aobut getting into a relationship or being intimacy with some girl.
But you are different. You haven't given it to anyone yet, and haven't feel the guilt. Of course, you have to keep yourself having sexual contruct during your outbreak. However, if you really care about the person and become honest and sincere, your partner will accept you.
Fortunately, the ex-girlfriend, who I dated 3 years ago, has been in a long relationship with another guy and having a happy life (He knows that she has genital herpes). So it all depends on your attitude toward the desease. Many people have herpes. It's not only you.
Good luck!
8/30/11 1:04pm
I understand what you are feeling. I was infected 7 years ago from a man that chose not to tell me. I swore that I would never put another individual through the pain, confusion and embarassment of accepting a herpes diagnosis.
I eventually met a very nice man. He has a very good heart and I care deeply for him. I was honest with him and I told him twice that I have a health problem- specifically herpes. The first time we were intimate, I thought that our time together was great and sweet. But then he asked me what herpes was AFTER we had been intimate and said he didn't really understand what herpes was. My heart sank!! I thought that I was doing the right thing by telling him (more than once) that I had this problem. I feel lost and so guilty. I wanted him to make an educated choice about whether to be intimate with me and eventually he told me that he didn't understand what it meant to have herpes. He has flu like symtoms and pretty much the ssame things that i feel before an outbreak. This guilt is so intense and I would NEVER sleep with someone without being completely honest. i feel bad and scared because I found such a sweet man that I may have hurt. I don't know what he wants to do. I wouldn't blame him if he wanted to walk away. he said he needs time to think about things. It still sucks though. :(
8/30/11 1:04pm
I understand what you are feeling. I was infected 7 years ago from a man that chose not to tell me. I swore that I would never put another individual through the pain, confusion and embarassment of accepting a herpes diagnosis.
I eventually met a very nice man. He has a very good heart and I care deeply for him. I was honest with him and I told him twice that I have a health problem- specifically herpes. The first time we were intimate, I thought that our time together was great and sweet. But then he asked me what herpes was AFTER we had been intimate and said he didn't really understand what herpes was. My heart sank!! I thought that I was doing the right thing by telling him (more than once) that I had this problem. I feel lost and so guilty. I wanted him to make an educated choice about whether to be intimate with me and eventually he told me that he didn't understand what it meant to have herpes. He has flu like symtoms and pretty much the ssame things that i feel before an outbreak. This guilt is so intense and I would NEVER sleep with someone without being completely honest. i feel bad and scared because I found such a sweet man that I may have hurt. I don't know what he wants to do. I wouldn't blame him if he wanted to walk away. he said he needs time to think about things. It still sucks though. :(
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I am exactly where you are right now.
I too found out when after my first sexual experience with my boyfriend, I discovered I had contracted gental HSV from him. We broke up much later, not because of this, and it's been about 5 years since my diagnosis.
The dilemma I face is this: Do I tell someone about this? What if he rejects me because of this and/or worse, starts telling everyone I know? If I do decide to tell him, when is the "best' time? Too early, and you'll scare him off. Too late, and he'll feel you led him on or cheated him.
The only thing I can think of is - Do unto others how you want others to do unto you.
I try to think from the perspective of my partner and how I would like to be treated. If so, then if I feel the relationship has hit a certain plateu where I think we can proceed beyond something "more" than just friends, I would tell him/her about my condition. But bear in mind, the way in which you convey the mesage is also very important. For all HSV has been villified, it is NOT life-threatening, it will NOT kill you, it will at the most present major inconveniences. If you truly believe that and tell it in a matter of fact, logical sequence, I believe you will get the message across.
Reading up about it beforehand so you can answer any questions he/she has will also show that you do know what the condition is. And then just step back to allow him/her to process the information. You will have to accept the fact that he/she may not want to have anything to do with you.
As much as I sometimes crave the physical intimacy without the emotional connection, I personally feel it is morally reprehensible to have sex with someone and not disclose my HSV status. If i were my partner, I at least would want the choice to proceed or not.
And finally, just remember HSV is NOT life-threatening, it will NOT kill, it does NOT change the person that you are. You are as good/as bad a person before you contracted HSV. Just keep you chin up.