Day 4: Relapse

      I was doing fine all day! My boyfriend came over, he's lives an hour and a half away, I ate lunch with his mother, aunt, and cousin. Today was a pretty perfect day. When my boyfriend came home (I have my own apartment, no roommates!) all I wanted to do was throw kisses on him. Apparently I wasn't the only person who wanted to do the same thing. I felt like a newly wed, we just couldn't keep our hands and lips off of each other. It felt different kissing him, I've always enjoyed kissing him but today seemed different. I only see my boyfriend on Saturdays and he leaves on Sundays to go back to where he lives. Long distance, well and 1hr and 30 mins distance dating, makes me miss him a whole lot more than if he was here in the same city. We talk on the phone literally for 6+ hours a night, and during the day we call each other in between classes or work.

    We talked it out and decided to try to make love. The first time we tried it hurt, like it was my first time again. The pain was unbearable, and yes we used a condom. I great idea of "Let's get some lube!" this was my first time using lube bc I never had a problem with my *fuzzy wuzzy (*name has been changed to conceal the identity of the person)<I crack myself up hahaha>. We came home and decided to finish watching Smallville, I bought him the complete series 1-6. Then we both became horny again. I asked him if he wanted to make love. He said yes. We had foreplay and then we used Yours + Mine KY Jelly, wow that burned me up! (or maybe I' just allergic to latex). We didn't make love, it hurt too much, just like the pervious encounter, so we stopped. I'd like to say this happened around 9:40 pm. I went to go wash the lube off, while in the bathroom i looked at myself in the mirror and nothing but negative things came to mind, just like the first day I found out about my gift.

    I came back to the room lay on the bed, out of his reach and started to cry. My boyfriend asked me what's wrong and I asked him, "Do you think I'm beautiful", he didn't fell the bed move to know that I was crying and he said, "Yes, I think you're the most beautiful woman on earth." I cried some more, i felt like a monster and I was ashamed for being a monster, a leper. He told me to come close to him so he could put his arms around me. I cried harder as my head lay on his chest. i asked him if he would tell his family about me gift, he said "No, it's your business and nobody needs to know it". I felt a little bit better. He was reassuring me by kissing my forehead and my lips, but i wouldn't kiss him back. I was still ashamed, I can't even do the simplest thing-make love to the person I'm going to marry! I told him that I don't think i was ready to make love because I'm still having self-esteem problems that I thought were gone. I told him that I'll be alright if he left me, he asked me where would he go(it was around 11pm when I said this), and I told him I'd understand if he wanted to leave the relationship and I'll be okay. He then told me that, I'm beaitful and if i wasn't he wouldn't be with me. Then what really made me feel better was when he said that he loves me because of my mind, not my body. then he went on and told me that physically I'm cute but he could careless about that, he wants me for me and nothing else! I kissed him, I am beautiful! Then he asked if I wanted and cake or ice crem. I said yes but he knew that i really didn't want any. Then i can online to write wat happened.