1st week of my gift under my belt

      Today is officially the first week that I've survived my gift. I want to cry still but I haven't just because I still feel like a monster or a leper. I can look at myself in the mirror again. I'm truly excited about that! 

      I quite, no no retired from the track and cross country team today. I had a drug test (thank you Marion Jones for messing it up for everybody) and I was tested positive for a drug that we're not allowed to use according to NCAA rules and regulations. I have a chance to explain myself to the trainers and coaches but I don't want them to know, so I just retired. I'm kinda happy I did. If you were to ask me who I am, I would have told you that I'm a varsity track athlete, a professional student, and other stuff that makes me sound good on paper *smile*. 

     Okay back to my gift. I found out that a friend of mine is negative, I'm super excited for him! Now I'm like I bet there was a mistake with my results too. My freshman year here at this college this girl was tested positive for Herpes and she killed herself. A week later the doctor found out that the test results were wrong. So what I learned from that story (my engineering prof told me this during freshman seminar) never go by your first reaction when it comes to bad news. I think that's why I feel so nonchalant about this gift. I truly, whole heartedly believe that God will not put more on you then you can handle. So I have 3 maybe 4 positive things that came out of me having the gift. 1) I can rebuild respecting my body. I lost my virginity through rape and after that every time I have sex I don't feel apart of it, I feel like a spectator at a sporting event. 2) I always wanted to rebuild my walk with God. 3) I wanted to read books outside of just the books that are required for my classes. Yeah i don't have a four.

     My boyfriend is still the greatest! He still love me for my mind and my heart. I was confused about that because the other day I swear he was pointing at my twin towers then it hit me, ohh my heart! I can be a bite passionate about a couple of things *raised brow*. 

     I don't really have much to say other than I survived my 1st week of the gift. I went through so many questions, seeking answers, thinking about killing myself-which I just can't do. I figure killing yourself will cost more for your family to bury you then to pay for medicine for the rest of your natural life. I could probably find an equation to prove that. Oops there I go showing my inner nerd, sorry bout that. I'm going to school for engineering and I have a math minor, amongst others.

     So as always, You are beautiful. Never, I mean NEVER put your head down thinking this is it, life is over. No it's not, it's just beginning. Keep your head up and keep looking to the future. This might sound corny but I kind of feel like a super hero (minus being a hero), they have double or a secret life. So do I! Student, use to be athlete, girlfriend at day. My secret identity "Venting Out At OU", nobody can stop me now!