My Life Starting July 20, 2009

I feel hopeless. I trusted someone I knew for 8 years. He has had Herpes for 20 years. I was stupid, he did things so willingly that I felt I could have unprotected sex with him. OMG how naive the reason he was so giving orally was because he already had it. I feel so stupid. I am 46 years old and up until now had been proud to say I remained untainted. Even when the symptoms occurred I was so dumb. I was horrified when I found out. I tried to call him and he ignored me. A week later I found out. He only said" I am sorry I do not know how this happened." What a jerk he should have told me before playing Russian Roulette with my body. I feel violated, like he raped and took something from me. I recently told this guy I was getting close to.....boy was that hard I sit and write as I cry. The news just took our relationship to another level. I am so hurt, angry. I want to make this guy pay for what he did ( the one with the Herpes).  I trusted him - he was suppose to be my friend.  The other guy I don't blame him - he is a very sexual, sensual guy. He picks his partners with much thought and care. He wants the whole sexual experience....nothing less. What can I do to the other guy? I hope you are right and it gets easier cause today was just filled with much too heartache.

Violated and scarred

Hi! to start.  I really do hope things get better for you.  I am not going to lie.  Dealing and coping with this is hard.  I honestly still cry about it.  I went through many stages.  I feel hopeless, ashamed, dirty, and like I will never have a life again.  I was so hurt by the guy who gave it to me.  He told me that he didnt have anything, and coming to find out, he had herpes.  I told him about it and he stated that I gave it to him.  I know I didnt.  He was actually with someone for years that had the virus and he said for many years after being with her, he didnt catch it.  I find that hard to believe.  He still tries to contact me but I do not want anything to do with him.  I feel like I was betrayed.  I feel stupid as well.  The only positive thing from this is my mother is a good support system for me.  And, I got the courage to tell my ex-boyfriend.  We are still good friends.  He cried just as much as I did.  But, he still is here for me.  I thank him so much for that.  We talk about getting back together but sometimes I have second thoughts.  I am so scarred of passing something on to him.  But, I am trying to think positive.  I hate myself for this.  I am trying to learn to get over it.  I am trying so hard to keep moving on with life and trying to cope with it.  I know how you feel honestly.  I know you hate him and you want to get back at him.  Dont do anything.  Please.  If possible, even though it will be hard, try to tune him out.  He will be hard to forget because he will always be the person who gave it to you, but as the days pass by, it will get easier.  Try to focus on yourself and getting better.  I am scarred about telling a guy also.  But, try not to give up on life.  I am trying not to.  Focus on life for you.  I know that I have not seen you, but I am pretty sure that you are the same beautiful person that you were inside and out.  Try not to forget that.  That is what my mother constantly tells me.  I feel sometimes that I am unpretty and just plain ugly.  But, she always tells me to look in the mirror and see the beautiful woman that I am.  I know, easier said than done.  I think we are all facing something here.  I have not healed from this neither.  I cried so hard last night.  But, I am just praying for the best.  I am here if you need to talk.

Hi Jen,

Thanks so much for the kind words. I can't help but cry as I read your note. I am still crying. It's just that today I had to confront this and tell this guy that was planning on flying in to meet me about this dreaded virus. We've been talking for awhile and he told me last night he wanted to visit in October. I had kinda forgotten that this nasty vile thing is in my body.  I realized I could not let him come without telling him. I could never do what that other creep did to me.  The guy that was coming to visit is a very sensual person and did not take it well. I mean he was very sympathetic and says he will stay by my side and be here for me. The relationship has now gone South. I do not think he will be able to have the type of relationship that he was looking for.  He has been true to his word after  I told him he e-mailed me words of encouragement.  He actually just IM'd me that he is going to call me in a while. He said he was floored and  so angry at this other guy. He really is wonderful. I can't blame him if I had known that creep had Herpes I would not have slept with him.

You are so right - at the moment I feel hopeless, like no one will ever love me. I feel damaged, like something that I cherised has been ripped out of my body. I do not think I can face this type of rejection. I have been crying all afternoon. How will this ever get better and easier to deal with??? I feel like it is a stigma, like once I tell them I will be branded with this big H. I feel so cheated that I will never be able to experience the full pleasure of a sexual encounter. I feel like I will have to settle.

I am sorry but I have turned my back on the responsible thing....I can't let this creep get away with using women like this. I have to let as many people know what he did. If someone raped you, would you stay silent. I have let too many men abuse me. I can't stay silent any longer. He needs to feel the humiliation that I felt today. Please continue to speak with me as I need someone to help me along this path.

I agree with you.  I know it hurts extremely bad.  That is a good idea to make other people aware or help them get informed on this guy if he is just acting carelessly about it.  This is something I would not wish on my worst enemy.  I have not told any guys yet except my ex.  There have been many people that wanted to date me, but I dont even attempt to get close because I am afraid of there reactions.  But, if I did decide to, I would definitely tell that person about it.  They may reject me or they may accept it.  But, I would not go carelessy and not let them know.  Its great to know that the guy you have been seeing is a little understanding.  My ex is the same way.  He is so angry at the guy who did this to me, because all along just like your situation, he knew that he had it.  Thats what hurts the most.  My ex wants to actually hurt this guy.  I dont blame him.  I cry a lot as well.  I am glad to know that you were responsible enough to let him know.  That shows that you are caring and you do have a heart.  Even though me and you both feel that we were raped of our innocence, we will not do the same to another person.  I don't like being alone by myself because that is when I really get depressed.  To tell you the truth, I was so hurt, I did research on how to committ suicide.  That realled scared me.  I feel that if I was not here, I wouldnt have to bear the pain and suffering.  But, then I thought about my mother, father, brothers, and sisters.  Also, my nieces and nephew.  I thought about how much it would hurt them if I died.  I am 26 years old.  I will be 27 in December.  I have a younger sister, she just turned 15 about 2 weeks ago.  She really looks up to me.  She always tells me that she wants to grow up and be like me one day.  I thought I had the perfect life until this happened.  I am currently in school for my Master's degree in Finance.  I will be graduating in about a year.  I have a great job.  But, I feel like this has ruined everything for me.  I was diagnosed on June.  Even though it has been a few months, I still feel ashamed and depressed.  Not that I am glad that other people such as yourself has contracted this, but it feels good to be able to talk to people who are experiencing the same thing.  I feel much better once I chat with people such as yourself.  We have to be strong for each other.  It may take awile, but I know that one day we will get through this.  The guy you are seeing, he really seems like a pretty good guy.  Sometimes, it takes people awhile to take in the information.  But, I am glad that he is in yor corner, and still supports you.  Some people would just walk away.  Like me for instance, one guy that I was seeing, I mentioned it to him about, now he doenst say anything to me.  We work in the same building.  When he sees me, he walks pass as if I dont even exist.  He doesnt call, he doesnt have any contact with me.  That really hurts.  But, you and you friend could start things off slow.  I hope that he will still be there for you and it can blossom into something more.  Just keep your faith.  I know it feels like your life is over, and we will never have the life we wanted.  I am upset because I feel like how can I get married, and enjoy having a life with my husband and experience the love making we want.  I am always here to talk.  I will be awaiting you reply.  I really hope you feel better.  Just take it one day at a time.  I know things will get better for us both.