Dangerously in love

I have been living with Herpes for 5 1/2 years now. I contracted the virus at through a boyfriend who I was madly in love with. We met one late summer night while I was home from college. He seemed so sweet and charming. His smile would disarm an entire army. We casually dated for a while before becoming serious. Eventually we fell in love and started having protected sex on regular basis 7 or 8 times a week. We had keys to each others apartments and partied together pretty regularly. After about 6months I found out he had been cheating on me with his ex girlfriend of 8 years. There was a confrontation we had outside his loft where she pulled up in her car confronting him on what he was doing with me. He deined her and she never addressed me, she never even really looked at me as if I wasnt there. It broke my heart and he begged for my forgiveness and he charmed his way right back into my heart and eventually my bed. I should have cut him off completley but my love for him and my competitive nature wouldnt allow me to just let him go. I knew in the back of my mind that he was still seeing her but as far as I was concerned I was the one who had his heart. A few months had passed and I couldnt take the suspicion anymore and I ended it for good....so I thought. He weasled his was back in again and things were back to the way they used to be when we first met. As I said before we often partied together and one drunken night we had unprotected sex and he ejaculated inside of me for the first time...dangerously in love. A few weeks later I became terribly ill...we assumed or atleast I did that I had the flu. He tried to nurse me back to health the week I called out of work. The pain was unbearable and I felt like I was dying..I'd lost 10 pounds in one week About 9 days into my sickness I began to have liasons in my vaginal area. I knew something was wrong so I made a Drs appt and she took one look and said I had herpes. I knew I'd contracted an STD but I never imagined it was the one that had no cure! This guy was my only partner at the time. It hadnt set on yet so I called him calmly and told him I had herpes. He said he was sorry and that I needed to met him a his house after work. He then confessed to me that he'd had herpes all his life and that it was passed from his mother. He also confessed that his ex girlfriend of eight years had it as well which explained why she wouldn't go way...either she was still in lover herself or she didnt want to deal with a life of datig and explained to her partners that she had genital herpes. As he was telling me his stupid story all I could think of was all the opportunities I had to leave him...only if I'd made him keep the condom on that fateful night....then I thought back to the confrontation with his ex and why she didnt warn me of his disease. I felt so dirty and ashamed...I didnt want to tell anyone but I confided in my best friend at the time and she advised me to patch things up b/c no other man would want me and to take him back. It sounds harsh but we made light of the situation and she did make me feel better like it wasnt the end of the workd b/c the virus couldnt kill me. She swore to secrecy. I eventually returned his calls and agreed to meet with him. We slowly started to see each other again and work through our problems however, I still felt dirty and didnt want to have sex...I continued taking Valtex prescribed by the doctor. I realized that he wasn't on any medication even though he had a great job and health insurance!! After a while things started to take a turn for the worst and I wasnt really sexually attracted to him anymore. He said that he sensed it and that I needed to get over it. Like many of your blogs and postings here say "it was just an inconvenience and that it wasnt life threatening. He had the virus for so long it had become normal to him and wasnt a big deal...He said that he felt the need not to tell me and that it want really my business. He wasnt really sensitive to my emotions. I still needed time to deal. Eventually I forced myself to get over it and we began having sex again sometimes protected sometimes not... I felt I was worthless and that I'd already contracted the worst STD next to HIV. After we began to have sex he asked me daily was I "ok"? Once a cheater always a cheater I found out he was still seeing his ex again. That was the straw that broke the camels back. I fell into a deep depression not dating, I'd stopped modeling and eventually I stopped going to school shutting myself out from the world and lashing out at my friends and family. My bestfriend at the time couldnt deal with my emotions and our friendship ended. I felt alone I had no one to talk to about my problem. I knew I needed to get out of my funk before I hit the last stage of depression. After getting online and reading other stories and seeing other men and women move on. I realized that I was still educated, smart beautiful and witty. I knew I was a good catch but all I could do was think of how he poisoned me and that it was my fault just as much as his for not protecting myself. I knew that in order to start the recovery process I needed to confront and forgive him and then forgive myself, change my diet and move on. I also called my besfriend and made amends with her. I'd decided to test the waters and just date to gain my confidence back. I met a guy and after a few make out sessions and attempts at sex. I'd decided to tell him that I had genital herpes before he began to think I wasn't phyically attracted to him. He was an older guy and when I told him he embraced me and said that he was sorry. I explained the story expecting to never hear from him again. I cried myself to sleep and awoke the next morning to a knock at the door. It was him with a bouquet of roses. I broke out in tears and told him I thought Id never see him again. He said that it would have been immature for him to stop seeing me and that all he needed was to be educated about the virus..I'd studied it so much and told him I was on medication and answered all his questions effortlessly. We had amazing sex for the first time. I was in love again and it felt great. We are no longer seeing each other due to some indifferences on other things. I was strong enough within myself not to settle because I'd confessed to him that I had herpes. That was 2 years ago now and Ive had a few partners since then...all who I've neglected to tell my secret a few partners said that I was too beautiful and innocent and wanted to have unprotected sex because I looked "pure" I insisted that we used protection. I've recieved oral sex unprotected and no one has contracted the virus that I know of. Im still friends with all my partners since I contracted the virus. Sometimes I feel really guity for not telling my partners because like the guy who gave it to me I have convinced myself that its not a big deal...especially after reading that its harder for men to contract the virus since it enters the body through an opening in the skin. As I'm typing this letter I've recieved 2 phone call from the guy I'm seeing and falling for...I havent told him and don't want to! None of my past partners have contracted the virus. I know I'm playing a dangerous game and like a previous post I read...do I really need to put a disclaimer out there? Ive had a few outbreaks here and there b/c of crazy traveling schedules or coffee cravings. Ive totally cut out artificial sweetners and gum...stay away from asphartame. I know this is selfish and ignorant but I feel like if I keep a healthy lifestyle and take my meds I won't have to tell anyone for the rest of my life. Just in case some of you are wondering what happened to the cheating boyfriend, he is still with the girl he cheated on me with. Earlier this year he sent me a picture of his 1 year old son they have together. He has also made attempts to contact me through a mutual friend. I have no desire to talk to him. I hope my story has helped some of you in some way. I know many of you out there are living in secrecy. This is a great site to share stories past and current. I encourage anyone reading to share there stories and tips.