I was 17 almost 18 when I found out I had herpes.. I met this guy and girl who lived in the same apartments i just moved into. The girl was new to my work and thats how we started talking. We would always hang out, go out or whatever, the three of us. Then she cheated on him and they broke up. I was also disgusted with her act and who it was with so I stepped back and out of her life as well. Me and him still hung out especially after a death tragedy in his life. Soon we were dating and after a while I had an outbreak... He had no signs, but i was furious cuz I had just gotten tested so i thought he had to of cheated on me. He was 25 and he went to confront his ex and turned out she had herpes and admitted to spreading it to him knowingly without saying anything. I was devastated and he was irate, I couldnt believe I got this painful irritating lifetime disease before even becoming an adult. It was the worst experience of my life. When I peed it felt like lemon juice gettin poured into a paper cut, but worse because the sores are like craders. I didnt want to live. I felt so worthless and dirty, like a walking disease and no more.. I didnt know who I could trust but I stayed with this guy for about 6 months after all this.. In that time I only had the one outbreak and he had two. In the end I was left with him cheating on me with that girl that gave it to him, which made me feel that much lower to the ground which I didnt find possible, and then he abused me for no reason and I never saw him since... This just happened about a month ago.. I am so emotionally scarred. I cant talk or even think about it without crying for extended periods of time. I feel so used and worthless, cuz thats all I've been to people. How in the world do I forgive myself? I knew I shouldn't have gotten involved sexually with this man, he was so much older what was I thinking? That he would really love me hah. Such a fool... It makes me so sick, my stomach literally turns when I think about the whole situation. Im too ashamed to tell anyone, i cant even look at myself straight in the mirror. I never had parents that were around or involved in my life. I dont really have anyone and its lonely, I fear ill never be loved yet dont feel that I even deserve it. I cant even admit it to a childhood friend how could I talk to a guy about it, one who I have feelings and care for? I couldnt, so I cant even allow myself to get involved. I dont know what to do or think or why Im even writing this but any feedback would be appreciated. thx.
hello,
I Know it is hard to deal with for I myself have hsv 1. I grew up in a chrisitan home butdidnt really seek God till i was in college. I still made mistakes, bc unforuntanely that what humans do. I fell in "love" with a guy who i trusted, and who i thought had the best of intentions for me but even though i was very upset with him i knew the right and christ like thing to do is to forgive him. It is something you will have to do everyday for the rest of your life. it is choices we live by and consequences we deal with. He kissed me my senior yr of cellege, by last spring break, my graduation gift from my parents and my birthday and my favorite place...at the beach. not too long after I started feeling sick. I thought I had the flu or dying haha. my lips then started acting funny. they got chapped then blistered. I looked like i had been punched in the face...i told people who were not close to me i feel down. then if it couldnt get worse it spread to my face where i now have scares but they r starting to fade. unfortunately God thought i could deall with more and satan wanted to attack me all the much more...I found out it spread to my eyes. I couldnt tell you how many times i went to the doctor. talkl about breaking the bank. I felt so bad for my parents but the were supposrtive although i can always tell my mom and dad are very conciouos around me. they dont eat or drink after me anymore or kiss me 2 much but it is what they have to do and i must nderstand why eventhough sometimes i cry because it makes me feel unloveod, but that is just satan yet again. it is his way of trying to get you to feel unloved which is never good and never follolwed by anything good. God does not want that for your life. it is now out of my eyes after a gureling process and i have only had one smalll tiny blister sense on my lip. it gets easier but you alwlays get attacked every so often whith an overwhelimg sense of dirtiness or fear or unloved feeling or undesereving. My lparents do not know this but somehow the disease is so infections it can spread easily to other parts of your body ( it is very important to always stay clean and always wassh your hands and take precausions). it spread to the groin area. it does get less painful and there are meds that help it go away faster and they get smaller and the meds can even prevent it from happening as often ( im still learning and still asking questions myself). It is something ive had to deal on my own and if you really want to grow up fast and be independant... contracting any ind of hsv will do it 2 you. I always live by this....it could be worse it could be better....there are people more fortunate and there are people less fortunate. yes it is true it will never go away and u may or may not be able to have kids ( your choice whether you want to take the chance under dr supervision) but the mroe i read about it...i kind of wanted to adopt anyway. God has plans and puts feellings in your hearta and soul that takes time to understand. What i am seeing is that eventually it all comes together. I alwlays thought i wanted to adopt but i neveer really knew but not i see that it is a good possibility that if the doctors say the risk is high fo rmy children that i may actually adopt. I am ok with that. there are pllenty of children that need love just like me and you need love. NO ONE NO ONE NO ONE is truly deserving of anything. Life is a gift from god and this felslhlyl infected life we live is onlyl temporary and whether we have someone physically here beside us to love us or not KNOW that we are ALWAYS loved by christ jesus! There are NO conditions when it comes to love. Thats what is so wonderful about it. I have this friend michael and he has been my friend for a while and helped me thorugh it all. he would do anything i believe just to know that i was happy and felt loved. it wouldnt matter if i could kiss him or touch him or give him a child, be he wouldl love me i reallyl believe that, but he is truly a faithful man of God and to him love has no conditions. We finlly decided we would try dating but he does not know that my fever blisters have spread to the groin either, and i will tell him as soon as i see him ( when he gets home from work...he works at a christian kids camp). I will tack the chance that he may decide that my conditions are too much to handle, but it is our responsibility to tell those we love and give them the chance to make a decision. How wonderful God is in all of this, b/c how awesome i s that test of love and faith. Our relationships wil be stronger than most and be true and honest. If he can not deal with it and love me still through it all, then it is not meant to be and god has other bigger plans for my life. after all there are many other things out there besides the conventionall marriage and being loved by a man... there are other opportunities but b/w you and me i do want to be one day married....and God knows the desires of our hearts and wants us to be happy..JEREMIAH 21:11. If michael decides to be with me, then I will know for sure without a shadow of doubt he is the one for me. Somedays i beat myself up though. b/c i havent told him yet ( not that i dont want to but that i havent had a chance yet) that he deserves the best! he deserves a normal lifestyle, he deserves to have his own blood children, he deserves not to ahve to worry about getting a disease if we get married possibily one day, he deserves someone pure and then finally i remember and he reminds me and god reminds me that truly no one is deserving of such things, but it is a gift from god we recieve those things and if he chooses me through it all and all of the conditions to unconditionally love me then that love will be the strongest bond I will ever expirience here on earth besides the covenant i hold with my savior God christ jesus! That is what marriage is suppose to resemble... 2 become one! it is suppose to resemble our relationship with christ and how he enters our life and we let go of ourselves and lelt christ live through us. God forgives us and loves us no conditions....the hardest thing to do is too forgive ourselves. it will take one day at a time. we just need to concentrate on taing one day at a time, know we are loved, and when we have an outbreak just deal with that consequence take our meds, wash our hands and still hold our heads high, because we can still serve God...and fanklly that is the only reason we are here on earth anyway! and if it took a stupid disease that everyone looks down at for us to realize that or become stronger in our faith then AMEN so be it!!
God Bless to all! i love eveyrone....truly...no conditions!