Scared and Alone

Trying to Cope Community Member July 23, 2009
  • How do I continue on with my dating life?  I'm terrified of being alone for the rest of my life because it scares me to think about telling someone I have herpes. I don't know, I just feel so alone.

13 Comments
  • Anonymous
    J'sOldGirl
    Sep. 04, 2009

    I am 55 years old and was dating a 63 year old man for about a two months before we had sex.  I had been in a monogamous 22 year relationship prior to being with him and had never had an outbreak of genital herpes, so I am quite certain I was not exposed to the virus before that.  On the MORNING AFTER we made love, he divulged that he had genital...

    RHMLucky777

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    I am 55 years old and was dating a 63 year old man for about a two months before we had sex.  I had been in a monogamous 22 year relationship prior to being with him and had never had an outbreak of genital herpes, so I am quite certain I was not exposed to the virus before that.  On the MORNING AFTER we made love, he divulged that he had genital herpes.  Of course, he was asymptomatic at the time, so there were no obvious signs.  When I expressed my distress over having had no voice or choice by his failure to divulge the situation BEFORE we had sex, he told me his MD had advised him that the odds of passing on the virus were minimal.  When I asked why he told me after the fact if the chances of transmission were so "minimal", he was unable to rationalize what he had done.  Then to try to minimize this serious violation of my rights, he said "Well, you can't die from it."  Six months later I had a mild outbreak of genital herpes.

     

    What is wrong with people?  If he feared rejection before telling me, why did he think I'd be OK with it after he told me?  Should have we used a condom?  You bet!  Would it have been totally protected?  No, but it would have been minimized.  Should I have trusted this man to tell me after 2 months of dating?  Yes.

     

    I broke up with this man, but now I feel I've been sentenced to a situation where I am afreaid to pursue any type of intimate relationship for fear of feeling ostracized.

     

    Why are people so selfish and irresponsible????

     

     

  • Lo
    Lo
    Jul. 28, 2009

    I also wanted to tell you that you're not alone. i feel the same as you do and have no idea who would want to date me. it's a big committment to stay with someone after they tell you they have herpes. it's like a huge complicated annoying mess that they could be free of with someone without it. so why would they choose to stay with us? i haven't figured that...

    RHMLucky777

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    I also wanted to tell you that you're not alone. i feel the same as you do and have no idea who would want to date me. it's a big committment to stay with someone after they tell you they have herpes. it's like a huge complicated annoying mess that they could be free of with someone without it. so why would they choose to stay with us? i haven't figured that out yet and maybe that's because i haven't dated at all with it - had it for 2 weeks lol. but that's definitely what's running thru my mind and logically speaking idk why anyone would choose me over someone who doesn't have herpes no matter how "awesome" and "fun" and w/e other things i am.

    • Trying to Cope
      Jul. 28, 2009

      well i understand.  my friend asked me the other day why i havent dated in awhile and i got to thinking that ive closed myself off to dating and meeting someone great because i'm too scared to tell them and have them leave me.  i've had it for 2 years and i still cant say it out loud.  kind of silly.  it does get better and i want you to...

      RHMLucky777

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      well i understand.  my friend asked me the other day why i havent dated in awhile and i got to thinking that ive closed myself off to dating and meeting someone great because i'm too scared to tell them and have them leave me.  i've had it for 2 years and i still cant say it out loud.  kind of silly.  it does get better and i want you to know that.  the only real hard part i find through all of this is that i am alone, a few of my close friends know about it but its not something they can understand and help me through it and besides that, no one i know has it so i feel so isolated.  thats why i joined this which i cant believe it took me so long to do but its helping, so i hope it helps you too... and if you ever need someone to listen, let me know.

    • reddiver77
      Jul. 30, 2009

      People will want to date, connect with you for who you are and if thats not enough for them then they're not worth your energy in the first place. I know, I was told by my partner before I she gave it to me. But that didn't stop me from loving her and making the choice to stay. We are not together anymore but this was not the reason. and in the end I did eventually...

      RHMLucky777

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      People will want to date, connect with you for who you are and if thats not enough for them then they're not worth your energy in the first place. I know, I was told by my partner before I she gave it to me. But that didn't stop me from loving her and making the choice to stay. We are not together anymore but this was not the reason. and in the end I did eventually get herpes. but the most inportant thing to do is give your partner that choice. I have had so many wonderful times with my x, times that I would never trade, even to not have herpes now. so now that we have split up and gone our separate ways, I'm on the other end of the spectrum and wondering how to tell someone new in my life. I can only hope they have the same understanding that had. its hard to feel rejection and loneliness and know thats what you could be faced with when telling your partner. but had she not told me and then later when I did get it I might not be so understanding and all of those good times would have been filled with animosity and regret. so when you think you have something to lose and are scared to make that step, remember If you're not honest you'll lose every time.  And you'll never know what you could have gained or the friendships you could have made. 

       

      you're not alone. 

    • Anonymous
      Anonymous
      Aug. 16, 2009

      This posting gave me a little hope, thank you for putting it.  How long were you and your ex dating when she found out?  Did she tell you right away?  My boyfriend and I have only been dating for a month that's why I don't think he'll stay.  He said he'd been wanting to ask me out for a year before we actually got together and now I...

      RHMLucky777

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      This posting gave me a little hope, thank you for putting it.  How long were you and your ex dating when she found out?  Did she tell you right away?  My boyfriend and I have only been dating for a month that's why I don't think he'll stay.  He said he'd been wanting to ask me out for a year before we actually got together and now I think he'll decide I just wasn't worth the hype.

      Did you take any precautions to try to not get herpes? Was your ex taking any medication or anything? My boyfriend thinks that he has it now for sure since I tested positive but as far as I know I never had any outbreaks when we had sex.  I'm hoping I didn't pass it to him, I think that would make it so much worse, and the fact that I told him an hour after I found out might not help the situation.

      Do you mind telling how she told you when she first found out? And what your initial reaction was?

    • Anonymous
      Anonymous
      Sep. 10, 2009

      I just want to say thank you for being the very few guy's out there who are open minded and understanding about this... she was open with you and you still chose to love her. I was just told last week from my doctor that it looks as if I have GH. I haven't gotten the results back yet... but I did tell my boyfriend who I believe gave it to me. We have only been...

      RHMLucky777

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      I just want to say thank you for being the very few guy's out there who are open minded and understanding about this... she was open with you and you still chose to love her. I was just told last week from my doctor that it looks as if I have GH. I haven't gotten the results back yet... but I did tell my boyfriend who I believe gave it to me. We have only been dating for 7 months and I have never experienced anything like this before. He was very shocked to hear the news.. but he didn't run off! He stayed the night holding me and in the morning he told me he loved me before he left. But all day today I haven't heard a word from him and I'm afraid he knew he had it all along and now is going to leave me to deal with this all alone. At least that's my fear... it hurts so much when you loss someone you love! I just wanted to say thank you for being so understanding and caring! I hope to find someone who will accept me with this one day and love me for who I am!

    • Anonymous
      feeling hopeless
      Aug. 16, 2009

      I know that none of us is alone but that doesn't mean it's not hard still. I just found out yesterday and already I feel like I am am doomed to live my life alone.  I told my boyfriend and now he's freaking out assuming he has it now and is not sure if he still wants to be with me.  I don't really blame him for not wanting to be with me, who wants...

      RHMLucky777

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      I know that none of us is alone but that doesn't mean it's not hard still. I just found out yesterday and already I feel like I am am doomed to live my life alone.  I told my boyfriend and now he's freaking out assuming he has it now and is not sure if he still wants to be with me.  I don't really blame him for not wanting to be with me, who wants damaged goods.  This is such a tough situation to have to live with.  After this guy walks when will I have the courage to start dating again? Will I ever date again? Will I have kids? Are people with this disease able to have relatively normal love lifes?  This is what I'm thinking now.  Not what I have (although I can't stop thinking about it), but what I might not ever have. 

      And what else gets me, I have always been faithful, I don't sleep around, when I'm with someone I'm with that one person.  I just happened to be with people who didn't feel the same way, they messed around cheated on me and I'm left to deal with the consequenses of being with them.  All being the "good girl" got me was herpes. 

    • Anonymous
      Anonymous
      Sep. 04, 2009

      Well yeah I'm not thrilled to have herpes I'll tell everyone that.  I got it from someone messing around on me .  At first I was devestated, but as time goes by I learn to deal with it.  I've only told one person I've dated and they didn't want to have but I haven't given up hope.  Its a learning process. I would still rather...

      RHMLucky777

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      Well yeah I'm not thrilled to have herpes I'll tell everyone that.  I got it from someone messing around on me .  At first I was devestated, but as time goes by I learn to deal with it.  I've only told one person I've dated and they didn't want to have but I haven't given up hope.  Its a learning process. I would still rather try for a connection with someone than just give up.  It's not really that bad.  I've had it for two years and only had two out breaks.  Just keep your head up!  I believe it is still possible to find love and happiness.  Herpes is totally overhyped in our society.  There is no shame for it.  Yeah people make jokes and blah blah blah, but they don't know anything.  Just like I didn't know how common herpes was before I got it.  

       

      One Thing that helped me was talking to a really close friend.  It was hard to even mention the word.  It felt like saying "voldamort" from the harry potter books, but my friend actually encouraged me to say "I HAVE HERPES" and to say it loud.  And that actually kinda killed some of the shame I had for myself.     

    • Anonymous
      IMOK
      Oct. 09, 2009

      I'm 44 and just found out last year that I had GH.  In talking to my doctor we figured out that I have had this for almost 20 years.  The few breakouts I've had before being diagnosed I never even considered it was a STD.  I have just started dating and just told the first guy that I had GH.  He was not happy and asked me a lot of questions...

      RHMLucky777

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      I'm 44 and just found out last year that I had GH.  In talking to my doctor we figured out that I have had this for almost 20 years.  The few breakouts I've had before being diagnosed I never even considered it was a STD.  I have just started dating and just told the first guy that I had GH.  He was not happy and asked me a lot of questions that I answered as honestly as possible.  He also was concerned that I had oral herpes, which I don't and told him.  I kinda figured I was not going to hear from him again.  To my surprise I did and was quite relieved thinking ok, maybe this won't be so bad.  Our last conversation he told me that while he was at my house, he went thru my medicine cabinet and wanted to ask me about something he found.  It was Anbesol, toothache pain relief.  He just wanted to make sure I didn't have oral herpes, like I'm going to tell you I have genetial, but lie about oral???  Then he said to me "you know my guys would run and never call you again".  He hasn't really decided if he wants to have a relationship with me, but wants to keep seeing me.  I hung up a little pissed off and after talking to a friend who does not have GH I came to several realizations.  I am NOT damaged goods and I am NOT less deserving of love, respect and trust because I have GH.  Yes some guys will run, it will be their loss.  There are millions of people with GH (some that I know) that have great relationships, have gotten married, had children.  It does not define us, it is not who we are, it is something that we have, like allergies, epilipsy, any other "condition" that may require special care sometimes. 

       

      I have decided that I do not want to see this guy anymore.  I don't need someone who is going to hold this over my head, doesn't respect or trust me, and can't bring himself to touch me.  I don't deserve anything less than anybody else. 

       

      It took me a year and one jerk to come to this conclusion, but I suddenly don't feel ashamed and actually feel hopeful of the future.

    • Yellow
      Jun. 04, 2010

      best response I've read yet.  thanks - I needed to hear that.

  • Belle
    Jul. 25, 2009

    Hi, I just signed up for this support group and I wanted to let you know that you are definitely not alone.  I feel the exact same way. I unfortunately was the one who contracted the virus from someone I was beginning to care for & just shortly after getting the virus, I am left alone, to not only deal with the emotions of having GH but now How to...

    RHMLucky777

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    Hi, I just signed up for this support group and I wanted to let you know that you are definitely not alone.  I feel the exact same way. I unfortunately was the one who contracted the virus from someone I was beginning to care for & just shortly after getting the virus, I am left alone, to not only deal with the emotions of having GH but now How to move on & continue dating someone new who probably wont have it & whom I am going to need to some day admit that I have it....I don't have any words of help but I did want you to know that you are NOT alone

    • Trying to Cope
      Jul. 28, 2009

      well i appreciate that.  i've had it for 2 years now and im now just starting to realize that i've been avoiding this for a long time so thats why i joined this.  its hard dealing with it on your own, like you said not only with facing the facts but also trying to figure out how to move on and not let this win.  im still trying to figure it out...

      RHMLucky777

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      well i appreciate that.  i've had it for 2 years now and im now just starting to realize that i've been avoiding this for a long time so thats why i joined this.  its hard dealing with it on your own, like you said not only with facing the facts but also trying to figure out how to move on and not let this win.  im still trying to figure it out and im betting it takes me a little bit longer but i just wanted to thank you for your response.  its nice having people to talk to who understand, so thanks.

    • Anonymous
      ?????
      Jul. 31, 2009

      Hi, no you are not alone in this.  I think we all have some of the same thoughts.  I have only had this for 2 months.  Its hard to cope with.  I feel like I am not ready to date anyone right now.  I am not strong enough.  I feel the same as you.  I am trying not to let GH become me.  I an trying not to let this win and...

      RHMLucky777

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      Hi, no you are not alone in this.  I think we all have some of the same thoughts.  I have only had this for 2 months.  Its hard to cope with.  I feel like I am not ready to date anyone right now.  I am not strong enough.  I feel the same as you.  I am trying not to let GH become me.  I an trying not to let this win and take over me.  I stoll cry sometimes but I have gotten a lot stronger.  The first weeks, I was depressed and cried every single day.  I thought my life was over.  I am scared right now because of rejection.  I give people the cold shoulder because I don't want to be rejected in the end.  I am so afraid of people's reaction's.  I have not told any of my friends because I hear them laugh and joke about it.  That really hurts me.  I try to get out and enjoy life as much as possible because I get so depressed if I stay by myself or are alone.