Finding my identity

By starstruckk0213 Saturday, July 03, 2010

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Its been a year and half since I was diagnosed with HSV. This is how I found out my (ex)husband had been cheating. I have Lupus and my body couldn't fight it off, I became sick and hospitalized for a week. The outbreak was so severe, they thought I had second degree chemical burns until they finally figured out. My ex denies he has it, because he's never outbreaked like I did (he refuses to get tested), but he doesn't deny cheating. As you can imagine, I was devastated and I'm only now starting to come to terms with it. (Honestly, I still have a hard time calling it "herpes" sinces stereotypically it makes me feel dirty or bad; scientifically makes it seems a lil better to me, but I'm not sure why...)

I've finally trusted a few people to know...some stayed and some bolted for the door. Its definitely hard to do, and doesn't seem to get any easier.

But there is one thing that no one can ever take from me. My faith. I was mad for long time that this had to happen to me. Why me? I asked over and over. I'm alone. And no one will want me. So I better just be happy alone...

The problem with that mindset is that its an excuse to give in. Its an excuse to give up. Love is unconditional. And I have to have faith that the life chosen for me is one that is chosen with unconditional love. And that starts with me first. I am learning to unconditionally love myself, and when its time, the right person won't run.

My old identity was destroyed the day I became sick. My new one seemed tarnished and ugly. But nothing in this world ever came without determination, sacrifice, and patience. There is a beauty waiting to be discovered by someone willing to look beyond the surface. I see it already. One day, the whole world will.

Comments (5) | Add comment

Happy

7/ 8/10 2:57pm

Hello, thank you for sharing your story. I have felt similarly for the 2 years I've had herpes and cant seem to shake the negative connotation away. I switch in between feeling positive and extremely negative on a weekly basis; and have a really hard time trusting my friends with my secret. Almost every gathering i have with my friends there is some joke cracked about herpes and it blows my mind their ignorance on the subject as they laugh about it. I haven't told them that i have it for fear of being ostracized.

Im so happy for you that you have been able to move past these negative thoughts, and have people in your life that you trust to talk to about it. I hope one day I can be that strong too; this is taking much longer to come to terms with than i have ever imagined.

Thanks again for sharing your positive nature with us all :)

Mala

10/31/10 12:57pm

My heart breaks with every story. I had felt so bad at diagnosis that I wanted to go stuff the tailpipe of my car. I am not alone and that is the saddest part. What have we done in society to make others feel so bad that so many of us can relate to this feeling? We need to be much more careful of the jokes we tell and the attitudes and unjust judgements we pass.

In reality it isn't a part of how I live my life. Just a detail to manage. All things we are forced to deal with in life can be a positive or a negative in the big picture.

I now choose positive!

No one of any worth has come through life unscathed. Hang in there and know you are far from alone and it will assume its proper perspective in your life in time.

You already sound like that is just around the corner for you. : )

Disclosing Herpes

1/ 8/11 1:01am

I became infected with herpes over five years ago. At the beginning of our relationship, he denied having any STDS and he was a doctor. He refused to educate himself about asymptomatic herpes believing he could not infect anyone. He gambled with my health. I developed an autoimmune disease shortly after being infected with herpes causing frequent and severe outbreaks. I am on acyclovir and a heavy vitamin supplement program.

Selfish people are too ashamed to be responsible partners. While I don't understand why someone would put me or anyone through this unnecessary risk, I really cherish taking better care of myself and learing how to have a purposeful life without a relationship. Given my extreme case of herpes, it's not about finding a person who could deal with it-- it would be too much worry for me. I had no say in protecting myself against being infected with herpes. However, I feel very strongly about not passing this virus on to another person. Even with an infected partner, I would be cautious because I can't compromise my health any further. If someone could look me straight in the face and lie (no apologies for arrogance and inexcusable behavior can make the herpes go away), I think I do better on my own. Besides, I wonder if someone would lie about herpes, what else are they lying about? Who needs that drama?

Good luck to you. Having herpes and an autoimmune disease are tough to deal with. I remind myself there are people who have tougher diseases to live with and they keep on going. I can too.

Teach

2/13/11 2:00am

Hi,

I just wanted to share with you that I was just recently diagnosed with genital herpes and I have the lupus, which affects my immune syste severally. The hardest part for me has been the extreme pain and the "not knowing what to do" from the doctors. All tests for herpes come back negative and the valtrex and acyclovir don't seem to be helping the symptoms at all. I have missed two weeks of work because of the incredible pain I have been in. So I have dealt with many frustrations. I don't know how long I have had it or from who I got it. I just started seeing someone and telling him was awkward and honestly I don't even know what we are anymore. I worry about future relationships...All I know is that the treatment that I am on doesn't seem to be doing anything as a result of all the immunosuppressive drugs I am on to control my kidney transplant/lupus. I can't imagine having to deal with this severe of an outbreak every month---I've read some cases of that. I am just hoping I can figure out another treatment option soon. Anyway, just wanted to share since I could relate to your situation. If you have any helpful information I would love to hear. It's just nice to know I am not the only one dealing with herpes along with a weakened immune system.

Disclosing Herpes

2/13/11 11:20am

Reading your response, are you sure you have herpes if the tests come back negative. Are they doing the blood work? My initial lab and blood work did come back negative. After two years, my blood work indicated herpes but not conclusive. However, a culture finally showed it-- running to the doctor's office everytime I had an outbreak. On the aclycovir (and valtrex), I started having monthly outbreaks (because of the Lichens Sclerosis) after three years of being infected. Prior to that, I had four or five outbreaks a year. I take a whole regimen of vitamins, minerals, etc.; meditate, reiki...My physician recommends what supplements to take and is continually testing my cortisol levels for stress. It seems to reduce the severity but I still have frequent outbreaks. It's very expensive to treat.

It really does frustrate me how many people believe (or don't care) that taking antiviral drugs or using a condom, prevents herpes. Once infected, always infected and a partner under any circumstances can get herpes. For some of us, it's a life long serious health condition. If your partner didn't tell you, you may be able to seek damages for medical costs. Each state varies as to how long you have to do this. Good luck to you.

Finding my identity

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