I just can't...

By This one girl Wednesday, October 21, 2009

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I turned 18, April of 2008, by that time I already slept with 8 different guys (some with condoms and some with not)... by Novemeber of 2008, I was diagnosed with genital herpes (type 2). I felt like my whole life was over and still do. It is now October 2009, I am dealing with my 3rd outbreak and depression. Yesterday I just felt like I wanted to die. Everytime I get an outbreak, I just get so mad at myself. I can't get over the fact that I have herpes. With my stupid and immature mistakes as a teenager, I am now paying the price. I regret even having sex to start with, let along letting myself go and sleeping with so many guys. I feel so ashamed of myself, when I have to go to the pharamacy and pick up my Valtrex, or going to a new doctor and marking herpes/fever blisters on the new patient form, for the staff and doctor to see. I hate this, I hate the feeling, I hate having herpes. I feel that there isn't any way that I could feel good about herpes. And although I do have a supporting family (Thank God), I know that they don't understand.

.. I just want to know if there are other people out there feeling the same way I am? (Can't accept the fact that we are living with herpes for the rest of our lives)

Comments (18) | Add comment

needanswers

10/21/09 11:53pm

How long have you been

Anonymous

10/24/09 8:15am

Well I know how you feel. I am 46 years old and was clean up until this May. I made the mistake and trusted a so-called friend. He knew, has had it for 20 years. I was devasted and horrified. I almost had wished the doctor told me I had cancer versus this thing.

I fear having to get close to someone and have to tell them. It is not my fault, yes I know I did have unprotected sex, but had he told me no way. I knew him for a long time and never dreamed this would happen.

I have only had one severe outbreak. I think I am having one now. It is not like the first no bumps, no discomfort.

Wow, I can't believe your boyfriend is having unprotected sex. That is really playing Russian Roulette.

Well just take one day at a time. I am sure it will get better. I try not to think about it. I too am so mad at myself. I recently joined a dating site with people in the same boat. I have not met anyone I would care to pursue but it has helped. They have been very supportive and offered advice and stories. Again just hang in there somehow we will survive.

Scarred and violated

This one girl

10/26/09 12:06pm

Wow, see, that's what I'm worried about... thinking you can trust someone and they turn around and stab you in the back... althought I know and hear that's life.

Sometimes, I feel like my boyfriend doesn't even care about it, as long as he can "get some"... ugh, I don't know.

With that dating site, as long as you find someone beautiful on the inside, then that all that matters.

Thank you for replying, I hope all is well for you.

needanswers

10/22/09 12:35am

Sorry... hit the reply button too soon.... How long have you been on Valtrex? Are you just taking it during an episode or every day for suppression? Three outbreaks in the first year without being on suppressive therapy is not too bad.... actually even if you have been on a suppressive regimen.... the first year is usually the hardest... According to the research I have done (and maybe you have see the same things)... outbreaks tend to decrease over time. Some people on daily anti-virals never have an outbreak again... or very few. I know it is depressing, but it will get better.... Hard to believe it now, but many people barely think about it if outbreaks are suppressed. Condoms and anti-virals are the best bets to avoid transmission. Really, condoms should be used every time, herpes or not..... you just dont know what someone may have.... people dont even know themselves sometimes!

During an outbreak it is extra hard to think positively..... so if you are going through one now (can remember if you said that specifically).... try to remember that it will clear up and you will feel normal again really soon. Keep busy... hang out with friends... do what it is that normally makes you happy.

If you are not on daily valtrex you might consider it. If it is too expensive or you arent getting the best results you can ask your dr. to try acyclovir.... much cheaper and works as well..... but you take 2 pills a day instead of 1. Some people do better on one vs. the other.... everyone is different so it is hard to say how individuals will respond. Good luck.... you will be ok!

This one girl

10/23/09 10:32am

I have been on Valtrex since I first was dianogsed, but I only take it when I have an outbreak, my (new) doctor told me she only puts patients on Valtrex daily when they have 5+ outbreaks... so hopefully I won't get more. She did tell me about the Acyclovir, but she said it wouldn't be neccasary right now.

I have been noticing that my outbreaks are getting less painful, my first and second one was almost unbearable. And although my outbreaks are less painful, my stress feels like it is building up.

My boyfriend (of 2 1/2 years) and I barely use condoms, not because I don't want too, but because they just seem to put me in a lot of pain, even the extra senstive ones. But every now and again I do deal with the pain.

I went to the doctor on Wednesday and she told me that I am having an outbreak, a yeast infection, and another bacteria infection... ugh, it is very hard to think postive, but thank you very much for responding, you did make me feel better.

Confused & Depressed

10/22/09 4:07pm

I completely and totally understand what your going through. I just turned 19 and It's been a year since I was diagnosed. My boyfriend at the time cheated on me and since I trusted him we had sex frequently without condoms. I was devasted when the doctor told me what I had. I cried for a week straight, sometimes when thinking about it I still cry. I think about it everyday of my life and although somedays are better than others I don't think that I'll ever really feel "better" about it. Atleast not until I find someone who loves me regardless of my stupid disease. Which brings me to this question, have you been sexual with anyone since your diagnoses? I know that's kind of personal but I have not been sexual with anyone since my ex. I'm so terrified too. For a couple of reasons, one, I don't want them to get it, heaven forbid. Two, I don't think that I will ever get up the courage to tell someone. And three, if I do tell someone, I'm so scared they're going to spread it around town and I'll be even more depressed than I already am. =/ I'm currently dating this super sweet, super cute boy but I'm pretty sure his view on herpes is that it's disgusting. We have such perfect chemistry and I could really see myself with him for a long time but after a while he's going to get suspicious of me not wanting to get sexual with him, I really want to tell him but I'm so scared that he's going to just stop talking to me or something worse. =[ It's depressing getting close to guys because it's just another reminder of what I have. I really don't know what to do at this point.

This one girl

10/23/09 10:50am

Well, I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years now and obviously he knows. I don't think it seems to affect him that much because he is still okay with having unprotected sex. But he is upset that I have it and could have given it to him.

But I know how you feel about not being sexual, I barely ever want to have sex anymore, because I feel gross, so of course my boyfriend (Richard) is always getting mad at me. This leads into fights, where he can be a total and complete jerk about me having herpes. Although I love him, I wouldn't mind finding someone else right about now.

But I am too afriad to be someone else because of the fact that I have herpes, for the exact same reasons you are. (Sadly,this leads me into being with a jerk.)

I don't want anyone to be in my shoes, so if the guy you are dating is super sweet like you say, maybe he would understand? How long have you been seeing him?

But if anything, I wouldn't want him to by like Richard either... (say it's okay, but then say other crap too, cause then you would be stuck in the same situation as me, which is crappy).

I think they only we way we can overcome our fears for being with someone, is if we can find a way to overcome the fact we have herpes... which is a total bummer.

Tinkerbell

11/11/09 8:10pm

Hey there, You are young and the crowd you hang with are still probably imature. If you get to that place with this person, just be very honest with him and tell him a codom will protect him.and also if you have this feeling that he would make you feel nasty about this disease, you need to stay with your gut!!!!!!!!!!! and do not say a word, also it is against the Law for anyone to disclose. this information i the wrong contexts. They can be sued by YOU. So from here on out ,(especially as young as you are, you are going to have to be very selective with whom you are with , Maybe go with someone a little older) Ayway my STD is on his way home, so going to log off for now. Let me know what you decide to do. PEACE EVERYONE

hopeless

11/12/09 11:46am

Well, I am in even a worse situation than you. I have been so conservative and really not promiscuous. Have only been with a few guys in serious committed relationships. I finally got married at 37 and got "H" 2 from my hubby on our honeymoon. Since then our relationship has deteriorated and we fight all the time, about everything other than the fact that he gave it to me. He won't get the proper test cause he doesn't see the point. I am afraid that if we don't end up staying married how could I ever meet someone else that would want to be with me at this age knowing that I have this virus through no fault of my own. Anyone have any advice?

Anonymous

10/25/09 12:13pm

Im 21 with two beautiful sons. I've had herpes since i was 16. I hate that i have it as well but i have realized that life goes on with or without the disease and my sons are proof of that. When i first found out i had it i cried for 3 days straight. i didnt go to school and i cut off communication from everyone. But i came to my senses one day and realized that this is something that i have and will forever have so i might as well get use to it. I met my childrens father when i was 16 and at the time i didnt know i had it. when i saw the first outbreak i went to a health clinic and got tested and all my results came back negative. But what i didnt realize is that they didnt test me for herpes. so i got tested again and thats when i found out. i told my boyfriend right away. it wasnt to late for him. he didnt have it and he still doesnt have it and we are still together. I hate that i have this disease but i love myself enough to accept it for what it is.

Anonymous

10/25/09 3:12pm

When i found out i had herpes i thought i was going to die, the pain was unbearable and I figured that this was if for the rest of my life. I wouldn't be able to sleep with another man incase i passed it on, i felt sooo ashamed and although i knew whom i had contracted it from i never spoke to him about it, i certainly didn't tell anyone other than my GP. Every time i had an outbreak i was so lonely and trapped by it, i felt like people were looking at me, like they knew. I spent 2 years like this and really it was a waste, at 20 a friend confided in me that she had "crabs" i helped her deal with her feelings/emotions and also felt comfortable to share my secret.....i felt like a weight had been lifted, if you have someone who you can trust then i have found talking a great release, and surprisingly i found i wasn't alone. I am now 31, married with 2 kids, my husband is aware of the herpes but i can't actually remember my last flare up...years ago maybe as many as 6. and it does become easier, less painful, bearable to cope with even. I have noticed that if i let myself become run down, or if i am ill then it can break out, so for you, especially young girls, out there, do your best to keep healthy and take care of yourself...it's a rough time at first but it will get better, you are not on your're own and once you get your emotions under control a bit and you can see light at the end of the tunnel then you will realise that this will make you a stronger person.

This one girl

10/26/09 12:09pm

Maybe once I have a child I can let myself feel beautiful.. because I will know that I have to be strong for them, but right now it's just so hard.

Thank you for replying.

This one girl

10/26/09 12:14pm

When I found out that I had herpes, my dad had told me that he was dianogsed with warts when he was 16... I will admit it did make me feel some comfort, knowing I could talk to him about it, but I just feel embrassed. "Hey dad, could you help comfort you whore for a daughter?".... that's how I feel, that's how I think, unfortunatley.

I feel that my outbreaks are getting alot better since my first and second one, they where the most painful ones, couldn't even go to the bathroom without crying... so I am looking forward to having less outbreaks as I get older. I guess I just have to look into my future, knowing that one day I will have a beautiful family, less breaksouts, etc.

I just hope I can make myself feel stronger soon... One day at a time, I suppose.

Thank you for replying.

Tinkerbell

11/11/09 7:56pm

Yes I now how you feel even though I am 41, it does not matter male , female, age this disease like any other does not discrimenate against no one.(I know I did not spel that wright" discrimanation) Oh well you know what I'm saying. I do know how you feel everyday every second, because sometimes and some days it is on your mind all day. This is tuff! and I just hope in time for you and me and everyone else that has this disease, that just dealing with it gets easier. I DO THINK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME FOR SOME REASON,MAYBE BECAUSE IT HAS NOT BEEN THAT LONG SINCE I FOUND OUT.It makes me feel nasty, dirty, dumb especially at my age. I WISH NO HAD THIS DISEASE HERPIES.

Anonymous

11/15/09 2:26pm

I am a 27 year old female with a low immunue system so I have outbreaks very often (I have HSV2 also). I can't go longer than 1-2 months without having an outbreak. I can't seem to stay in relationships. I was diagnosed with genital herpes in 2003 and I know which of my exes gave it to me (it seems like he did it on purpose). It does suck knowing you will have it for the rest of your life. I've attempted suicide three times (of course unsuccessfully). I no longer feel tempted to do that anymore I'm just trying to deal with it.

I try to stay positive telling myself that at least I don't have HIV or hoping one day I will be able to go outbreak free. It is hard to feel good about yourself especially because of my lack of successful relationships. Do you feel like you're the only one in the world dealing with this because I do all the time. Everyone seem happier and healthier than me.

Whats important is that you don't blame yourself for catching it. You didn't ask for it to happen. If you ever want to talk let me know and I'll give you my email address.

Need Support

11/16/09 12:06pm

I am a 51 year old divorced woman who just had a herpes outbreak 4 weeks ago. It almost killed me! I ended up in the hospital for 5 days because the outbreak was so severe that the nerves from my butt down to my toes were affected. I could no longer urinate or have a bowel movement because I was literally paralyzed. I am dating a man who had been tested for every other STD, but his doctor does not test for herpes because her reasoning is that 45 million people have it and most don't even know. Makes no sense to me. Needless to say, I too am dealing with depression and shame and I feel absolutely dirty. I feel like I have the new age leporasy (sp?). You are not alone. I never thought this would happen to me at my age. I consider myself a knowledgeable person and felt that this man was safe. Never assume. I too am on anti-viral meds probably for the rest of my life as well as neurontin for the nerve damage. I have been unable to work for the last month so herpes has hit me so hard financially as well. I am trying to keep a positive outlook, but, need a support network to know that I am not alone.

Anonymous

11/25/09 10:56pm

Here is a good thing - just thank God that getting herpes first may have actuallyprotected you from getting AIDS! Now yo get it STDs are real,so take good care of yourself, and find another hobby besides sex. There are other things to do in life. and it willget better!

kendra.keighahna

5/20/10 2:43pm

I was 16 when i was raped; it was March or may of 2008. I never realized you couldn't trust the ones you thought you trusted. And quit frankly, i was pissed. I don't understand why this happened to me; he knew i was into guys, but he done this anyways. Me and my girlfriend have been together since September 21 of 2009 and i love her with every thing i have, and she kept my mind off of the past, until i discovered blister like pimple things. they hurt, really bad and i itched severely, i thought i had PID(Pelvic Inflammatory Disease) again, because i was getting yeast infections and PID infections, i also recently broke out in massive hives, and we had no clue what was wrong, i went to the doctor and the hospital and they still found nothing wrong with me. Finally it was about a month after all these incidents happened, i had my first "break out", which we're blister like pimples, but this was worse than the first one i had, i thought they were boils(and i wish the doctor said they were), so on Monday, May 17 of 2009.... i was diagnosed with Herpes. Once looked at, i remember the doctor saying, "I've seen alot of cases like yours, and more than likely you have herpes." I wasn't sure how i was feeling, i couldn't feel anything in my body, my sister was sitting next to me as i began to cry like crazy... I never asked for this is what i remembering saying to her as i was getting dressed. As we were driving home, in the rain, no words were said, until i heard my sister say " It's alright dooz, we'll get through this, i promise... you can let something like this bring you down." How can you not, when you know you feel disgusting and infected. My first thoughts were dropping out, and im still taking that into consideration, after i found out, this has changed my out look on everything, especially since i have sever depression... i was put on Acyclovir, and still taking it, i haven't had any allergic reactions that i know of besides itching all over my body and red splotches. As my sister and i came into C-ville, we stopped by my moms work and all i saw was her walking away and in tears, and i i told my self i was dumb and i caused all this. After 10 mintues my sister came out and told me our mom was going to meet us at the apartment. It wasn't long till my mom go there.. i couldn't look at her, nobody for that matter, i knew if i looked at them, they will look at me differently and think im disgusting. That night i called my girlfriend and told what i found out, all i heard was breathing... than i finally asked her if she was upset, " no, i just don't know what to feel" is what she said, immediately i thought through my head, oh no, she's breaking up with me... But she said something else " I will always love you no matter what i don't care if you have herpes, it will never take my love away for as i felt every other day before we found out, and your family will feel the same..." I thought about this and she was right, even though i still want to be alone in my room, not talk to any body, kiss, cuddle, or be near. And i don't know why this is? I really don't; i can't even eat with out feeling sick. I know i never deserved this; i only had sex with 3 people my whole life. But after being raped, i can't bear to look at myself in the mirror. I wish this would have not happened, i know my life will never be the same, i can't take this back either. Now every time i go in to get my Acyclovir, i see the pharmacist just looking at me as if im some tramp. The only friend i could tell was my best friend, because i knew she will be here for me from beginning to the end. I still wish i knew what i did to deserve this, and i know i'll probably never get my answer... But i a question asked is better left unspoken.

I just can't...

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