thinking

well, it's another day in the life of "scared but living" and once again, I am brought back to reality, checking out this site in a time of fear. I love reading stuff on this site because I don't feel so alone when on here, however, I do feel very dumb. Sometimes, I think to myself...how could I not have known this stuff?! How could I have put myself at such a risk? Being in a solid relationship, knowing my partner, I thought I was on top of the world...doing everything "right". Which today, doesn't mean anything to me. I admire all you people out there who have moved past this questionning stage, and not being angry anymore. I tell myself everyday that being angry won't get me anywhere, and yet still I wonder how I could have been so naive. I tell myself that I need to move on and accept the fact that I'll be on medication forever, and will forever have a disease but now I am just mentally numb. I had huge trust issues before I got this and now I don't know if I can trust my boyfriend. Reading someones new years resolution on here really got me thinking: not only am I protecting someone else by talking about this stuff, but I really still need to protect myself from what they might have...visibility doesn't mean a whole lot in the world of STDs. That really woke me up too, because I can't imagine telling a partner about this and not expecting them to think I'm a monster when really I look exactly the same as I did before, except inside my nerve cells harbour this virus. Who knows what they might have and just not know it yet. Sometimes it doesnt seem like a big deal, other times I feel like an idiot, and then again, other times I still just cry (not out of self pity, just because I don't know what else to do). It is taking so long to let go of the "whys", which I will likely never figure out, that I just want to scream. the real question now is why can't I just let it go!?!