Nothing hurts more than the emotional pain...

well, I thought I was getting back on track. Starting life over with my new challenge of herpes. I thought I was going to be ok, and believed everyone when they said that if someone can't accept the fact that you have herpes then they dont deserve you. Well...I dont really know anymore. I wasnt looking for love, when my ex (one that I was madly in love with, not the same guy from previous posts that gave me herpes), came back into my life to try being friends. I loved him so much that it took a long time to get over the heartache of the breakup and to get to the stage of wanting to be friends. He is just a completely amazing man, and if anyone has ever understood me wholeheartedly it was him.

Well, the other day, he came back into my life, we talked for hours - catching up on the times, seeing how we had both changed and grown intellectually since last being together. He had broken up with me, which is why I assumed he just wanted to be my friend...nothing more. To my surprise, I was wrong. Things escalated a little faster than I thought and I had to stop him. Naturally he didnt understand why. IF anyone is a master of bad timing...that would be me. So I said that he might as well find out now than wait till later (when it's too late) so I told him my secret. I think his reaction will be engraved into my mind forever. He stopped holding me, had a look of disgust on his face and backed away. Until that moment, I thought I could get through this, but that stung. And I know, that from his perspective it must have been hard to hear that and controlling initial reaction is slightly impossible. I thought that maybe that was my second chance with him and I blew it. Because I trusted the wrong person that came after this guy, I might have lost my chance at being back with my true love. I feel exactly the same, if not worse, than I did when my doctor told me I had herpes. Reading all the stuff on sites and talking to people on here about it made me feel normal again, and stronger...but now Im back to the state of how can I possibly go through that again? I dont want to have to tell another guy and get a heartwrenching response. Maybe this guy only wanted a "one more night" kind of thing, but evenso, I might never know now. He was very sweet after about it, and admitted he didnt know anything about herpes, so as I tried to talk to him about it it felt like I was pleading my case. He did apologize for his initial reaction too, but I could tell he was still scared to be too close. I never thought it would be this hard to have to tell someone. But I closed my heart for such a long time, because I never wanted it to be broken again...and I feel like I gave into the vulnerability of love one more time and now here I am, alone wondering how this could be happening. Life was upsidedown in an instant. One minute I felt on top of the world back on cloud nine, the next hit rock bottom and ever since I've slipped into a strange early stage of depression again.