How do you move on? (kind of long, but please read)

By annunziata Thursday, March 05, 2009

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I was diagnosed in Jan. with genital herpes. I'm a 25 year old female. I had never really been active in the dating department, and was up until last August, a virgin. I have had sex a total of 4 times. These past couple of months have been horrible. My sexual history: The first time I had sex was in August 08 with a friend who I knew in college; we used a condom and it occurred on one occasion. In September, I had my first boyfriend, which was a friend from high school. I did not have sex with him, but did have oral sex on one occasion (receiving) with him. I soon ended the relationship due to some other factors after approximately a month. Yet ever since I had oral sex with him, my vagina has not been the same. I have had nothing but problems. I was treated for a bacterial and yeast infection soon after, and after taking antibiotics, I developed yeast on my tongue, which I have still not been fully free of. In November, I began reconnecting with someone that I had known for some years, and soon began a relationship with him. In January, I had sex for the 2^nd time, altogether, with him. We had sex a total of 3 times, and all protected using a condom. Each time, I had pain with sex, and after the last time, due to the friction from not enough lubrication, I had my first outbreak. I do not believe that I contracted it from him because we never had oral sex or penetration without a condom, and he would get tested regularly because he is in the military.

Anyway, I went to the doctor 3 days after having sex with him, because of the pain, which I thought was just friction, was excruciating. When the doctor said I sores, and that he was going to do a herpes culture, my heart sank into my stomach. I couldn't believe it. After waiting a whole agonizing week, which I spent with the guy I was dating, and let him know what was going on, I found out I had the disease. I have gone through every emotion ever since. That one week, I contemplated suicide, I didn't really eat, and I cried every night. Right now, I just feel like a rollercoaster; sometimes, I'm okay, other times, I can't stop crying or I have tremendous anger-at myself and at the guy that I'm sure I contracted this disease from.

At first, my ex-boyfriend seemed to be understanding; he had said that he wasn't going anywhere, but up until this past Valentine's Day we were together. After my diagnosis, I was really afraid to have him touch me or even kiss me because I was scared of passing it on to him. I think he just realized that he couldn't handle it, and the last time I talked to him, I had this feeling that he just didn't like me, and that he had begun to see someone else...So, another one bites the dust.

I think about it everyday, when I look in the mirror, when I bathe, when I feel any sensations. I keep thinking, "who is EVER going to love me? I will NEVER be in a real relationship. I will NEVER get married, have a baby..." I'm just trying to gear myself to accept that fact. Most of the time, I just feel like saying, "F*** it" because it's like who will ever want to be with me? I can't imagine trying to tell every guy that I potentially have a relationship with that I have an incurable STD, and seeing their revolted, shocked reaction, in addition to them never talking to me again. I can't imagine not being able to have sex comfortably again, without worrying of transmitting the disease or having an outbreak. I try imagining myself in the situation of having my boyfriend tell me he has herpes; I don't think I could handle it either...so how I can expect someone else to? I never imagined this could happen to me. You never expect things like this to happen to you, not until it happens, and you realize the gravity of it.

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Spectra

3/ 5/09 11:02pm

I really really feel for you as what you are feeling right now was what I went through 5 years ago when I contracted GH from my boyfriend. He was my first serious relationship and the my first time as well. I cried non-stop for 2 weeks, couldn't eat / sleep / work, I felt my life was over. The only thing that brought me out of it was the support of my then boyfriend.

We have since broken up and all those questions like; Who is ever going to want me? How am I going to tell anyone about this? Do I tell every potential sex partner? Or even if I tell them, what is going to be their reaction?; are popping up in my head now. Coupled up with the fact that I live in a traditional Asian society, it more or less kills my chances of ever hooking up responsibly.

Some things to suggest:

1. Find a good, supportive doctor to talk through your health concerns. You may have to work through a few doctors to find one who is in sync with you.

2. Do you subscribe to a certain faith? I know some might say it's corny or stupid to only turn to faith in times of crisis, but some people find it very useful. Some might find emotional strength through faith or faith-based groups.

3. Take better care of yourself by eating right and having the right lifestyle. All of GH sufferers find that stress, poor overall health, inadequate sleep, poor eating habits all tend to trigger outbreaks.

4. Take care of today and let the future take care of itself. The fact that you have GH will NEVER change. It is going to be with you forever. You need to work through your health problems now to ensure you can function tomorrow.

5. Family and friends support. Do you have a good family/friends support system? The knowledge that my family members love me and will stand by me no matter what, eases my doubts and worries about the future. At least I know when the chips are down, I still have someone to count on.

As for whether there is that someone for you? I suppose I am still asking myself that question. Some of the members here have found their partners and their partners love and accept everything about them. I suppose this is a path only you can walk through it yourself.

As I have written in my own post, the cultural bias against pre-marital sex and STDs is so prevalent, I do not think I would ever tell anyone. But in the States, it is different, the official statistics is that, 1 out of every 5 adults in the US have herpes. So I think there is a good chance that there is someone out there for you. You just have to work on your health and emotional state to make sure that when you do start dating, you are physically and emotionally OK.

I do not know where I stand on whether you should disclose your GH status to your potential partners. It's like I have physical needs as well and if my partner chooses to have sex with me, it is a risk he undertakes. But yet I feel irresponsible by starting something which might result in transmission of GH to my partner. All in all, my physical needs have remained unmet for he past 2+ years and I think it's gonna stay that way indefinitely.

However lousy and terrible you feel right now, know that there are others who have suffered through it before and they have made it through. You just have to dig deep and find it in you to carry on. Medicine helps, faith does as well.

hopeful

3/ 6/09 2:44am

HI! YOUR NOT ALONE! I WANT TO SHARE WITH YOU I 'VE HAD JUST ABOUT THE SAME EXPERIENCE I WAS 23 WHEN I GOT HSV 1 ON MY GENITALS I WAS WITH AN OLDER MAN 43 GEE I THOUGHT OLDER THE WISER YEA RIGHT I WAS WITH HIM FOR 6 MONTHS AND WE USED CONDOMS BUT I STILL GOT IT FROM ORAL AND IT SUCKS!! SO WHEN I WAS 25 I MET ANOTHER GUY AND AT ABOUT 3 WEEKS INTO DATING HIM HE ASKED WHY I SHYED OFF SEX SO I SAT HIM DOWN AND TOLD HIM I HAD HERPES AND I TOLD HIM TO THINK ABOUT IT OH AND HE WAS 27 AT THE TIME WELL 2 WEEKS LATER HE CAME BACK AND SAID HE WANTED A RELATION SHIP AFTER ALL SO INTO OUR 2ND YEAR I ENDED UP PREGNANT YES WE DID USED PROTECTION THERE WAS A TIME WHEN WE HAD NO CONDOM ON A CAMPING TRIP ANYWAY I HAD A DAUGHTER I HAD A C-SECTION AND SHE IS FINE REALLY SHE IS! THEN OUR RELATIONSHIP WENT DOWN HILL HE COULDNT HANDLE THE PRESSURE BEING A FATHER SO HE DRANK ALOT AND CHEATED AND LOST RESPECT FOR ME SAYING HURTFUL THINGS AND HE SAID HE HAD NO REASON TO BE JEALOUS ANYWAY SINCE I HAD A DISEASE AND THE RELATIONSHIP WAS A MISTAKE AND DROPPED HIM AFTER 4 YEARS OF VERBAL ABUSE I REALIZED THIS WAS NOT GOOD FOR MY DAUGHTER SO I'VE BEEN SINCLE IM NOW 34 AND JUST RECENTLY MET A MAN WHO IS 41 AND HEAD OVER HEELS FOR ME BUT I TOLD HIM NOT TO GET HIS HOPES UP! I TOLD HIM THE NEWS OF MY CONDITION HE WAS OK ABOUT IT HE WANTS TO LEARN MORE ABOUT IT BUT I TOLD REALLY THINK ABOUT IT ! THIS IS NOTHING TO PLAY AROUND WITH HE SAID HE WILL KEEP ME INFORMED IF HE CHANGES HIS MIND INSTEAD OF LEADING ME ON I TOLD HIM THAT WOULD REALLY HELP ANYWAY I 'VE BEEN ON WELLBUTRIN ANTIDEPRESSANT LET ME TELL YOU IT HAS REALLY HELPED ME GROW A BETTER SELF ESTEEM I KNOW IT WONT MAKE HERPES GO AWAY IT HELPS ME DEAL WITH LIFE EVERYDAY DONT GIVE UP IF YOU MEET A GUY DONT BE AFRAID TO ASK QUESTIONS LIKE WHY IS HE INTO YOU? DO YOU ACCEPT A PERSON AT SOME COSTS? SINCE NO ONE IS PERFECT AND WHAT IS HE REALLY LOOKING FOR? I BELIEVE IF HE SERIOUS ABOUT YOU HE WOULD GIVE YOU A REAL ANSWER NOT SOME COMPLIMENTS GET A GOOD OUT LOOK ON HIS GOEALS, OBSERVE HOW HE REALLY TREATS PEOPLE , WHAT ARE HIS HONEST VALUES? DOES HE HAVE ANY FUTURE PLANS OR HOPES ANYTHING HE'S PASSIONATE ABOUT OTHER THAN BEING INTERESTED IN YOU THESE NOTES CAN HELP YOU KEEP FOCUS IF THIS RELATIONSHIP IS WORTH TAKING OR ANY POTENTIAL IF A GUY MAKES A BIG DEAL WITH GIVING AN ANSWER THEN MOVE ON! BECAUSE THESE ARE COMMON SENSE QUESTIONS AND TRUE QUALITY PEOPLE AND SERIOUS ABOUT A RELATIONSHIP CAN ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS OR AT LEAST HAVE SOME KIND OF OUT LOOK ON LIFE NOT JUST A PIECE OF ACTION OR TEMPORARY FIX ANYWAY IF YOU JUST WANT TO SIMPLY DATE THATS COOL TOO! TAKE MEDICINE USE PRECAUTION AND LET THE GUY KNOW HE WONT DIE BECAUSE YOU ARE BEING DOUBLE PROTECTED AND IF YOU REALLY DONT HAVE THE COURAGE YOU CAN TRY A DATE SITE FOR PEOPLE LIKE US I'VE CHATTED ON POSITIVE SINGLE AND IT HELPED TO CHAT BUT I LIVE IN OREGON AND MET A FEW BUT SOME OF THEM HAD A WORSE CASE THAN ME SO I DONT NEED ANYMORE THAN I ALREADY DEAL WITH I DONT KNOW IF THIS HELPS BUT I CAN RALLY RELATE I'VE ONLY HAD SEX WITH 3 PEOPLE IN MY LIFE AND I WANTED COMMIT SUICIDE BUT I'M STRONG AND HATE TO FEEL DEFEATED OVER A SILENT DISEASE I KNOW NOT EVERYONE IS THE SAME BUT OVER THE YEARS YOU DO GET BITTER BUT SOME TIMES IT HELPS TO GET SOME HELP OH AND I HAVE MET 2 FEMALE FRIENDS THAT HAVE HERPES AND I HAD NO IDEA SO THERE IS MORE PEOPLE TO TALK TO AND IT COULD BE A HUGE SURPISE FOR WHEN YOU CAN ACTUALLY RELATE TO A FRIEND ONE DAY SO HANG TOUGH!!

STDRomance

3/ 6/09 3:29am

share your expereice with other STD singles at STDromance

Happy

3/ 8/09 8:59pm

Hey, I'm so sorry you are now in this boat with us. Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds so close to mine that it's frightening so I wanted to share with you a few thoughts. This might be a rocky road for quite some time, but I still hold some hope that things will be better. A great line to remember when thinking of everything is "the only place a man [or woman] can truly be handicapped is in his [or her] mind, and that a man [or woman] who can conquer his [or her] own mind has got the world at his feet". When I read this is resonated loudly. Herpes, as scary as it is at the beginning, is a viral infection similar to the chicken pox. Putting the disease into perspective is very important to keep your sanity. When you can wrap your head around the truth of the disease it makes unreal changes in your attitude. Once you understand the ins and outs of it you can mentally conquer part of the social bias of the disease. The second part is handling reactions of anyone you decide to tell. This may prove difficult because it is uncontrollable on your part how they react. However, as I recently discovered, how you tell them will make a difference. There is a whole section to the site that is dedicated to telling a partner. This disease provides an interesting social dillemna: our personal happiness might be chattered by the reaction of a loved one when we tell them. BUT think of it this way...if someone truly loves you, do you think it will make a difference to them? The disease is incurable, but it isn't life treatening. The fear stems (in general) from not understanding the disease. I think anyone worth telling will try to understand and make the relationship work with you. I told someone last week that I had it (an ex-boyfriend that came back to me...if you read my post you'll know what im talking about) and it was the most frightening thing I think I ever had to do. It turned out bad, I was scared and left. I havent spoken to him since. However, the point of all of this is to say that he didn't want me, he wanted sex. If he wanted me, he would have read about it and tried to talk to me afterward (maybe not instantly, but he's had a week - hes not coming back). It's a harsh reality but the keepers (good guys or girls) wont desert you when it really matters. When I told my best friend, he researched it instantly to try to calm me down and help. If you have a close friend that you are comfortable talking to, that might make a big difference.

The feeling of constant contamination will fade in time. I've had this for 4.5 months now and I'm not so terrified of myself anymore. You mentioned that you are scared of passing it to other parts of your body? I have some news about ocular herpes. I talked to my optomitrist last week about it because I too was scared of getting it and going blind. He told me that being on Valtrex vastly reduces that likelihood of catching it in your eye (so if you can afford it, you might want to stay on it) and if you do get an eye infection from it, contact an optomitrist right away because they have special eye drops that can flush it out if caught early enough.

Doubts about the future are natural but if you can, try not to let it take you over. I, like you, made one lapse in judgement (trusting the wrong person) and have HSV1 genital. Thinking about "what ifs" dont change what is. Climbing back to the top of the ladder will be a challenge but you can do it. Over time how we overcome obstacles demonstrate our true colours; it might be fast, or very slow but take the time you need to take care of yourself. You are still the beautiful person you were before. There will be times you will feel empowered, then other days might not be so good but when you look in the mirror remember that this is a challenge, not the "Game over". The game is taking a new direction. Learning about yourself is always a positive thing. Finding people who care enough to stick by you through hardships demonstrates who your real friends are (doesnt mean you have to tell them all, but if you have one you trust...it might make a difference to talk about it).

If you are struggling with the decision to tell a partner about having herpes; one thing to keep in mind is if you were on the receiving end of it how would you feel if you werent told? Penelope James wrote a great post about taking personal resposibility touching on the topic. There are two sides to the story. All I know is I wasnt told and someone knowingly passed it through oral sex to me. I never trusted him since he transmitted the disease to me. Everyone has their own views on this, and it is a personal moral decision to make. It might be up to each person to protect themselves and if they get a disease then it was their decision to persue the encounter to begin with but then again...if you have a talk with a partner you care about, in general, wouldnt you expect them to tell you the truth? I dont know anymore...I had the talk with my boyfriend (now ex) and it didnt seem to make a difference.

Sorry for the insanely long response. I just wanted you to know that people are here to listen and help. We understand where you are coming from and what you are going through. Hang in there and reflect on the present, take care of yourself and the rest will take care of itself.

annunziata

3/10/09 11:22pm

thank you everyone for responding and providing your insight. like i said, it's just somedays i'm okay, other days i'm not. and there is some comfort in finding out that i'm not the only one going through this...i have a lot of things to learn about this disease and myself, so it's just going to take some time...

thanks again

Happy

3/13/09 9:45am

hi there,

I just wanted to make a correction on something I said. you are right about not needing to take Valtrex unless having an outbreak or in a relationship. I talked to my doctor (i'm there so much I could live there!) and she said that not being in a relationship, I should get off of Valtrex to see how herpes actually affects me. It is very expensive and unnecessary to be on the drug unless experiencing lots of discomfort. I thought it replicated a lot but she said spreading it to other parts of your body is unlikely unless you just arent aware of yourself/arent careful (don't get me wrong it is possible! just wash frequently and it should be ok). Anyway, hope that helps. I've been off it for 5 days...so far so good :)

Take care

Jake

3/13/09 8:53pm

i read ur story and i know exactly how u feel. trust me! I just got herpies and im only 18 still in highschool... its like u try to avoid situations where u might end up having sex or even just mess around with someone... just know that your not alone and have hope for a cure in the future

Anonymous

1/13/10 1:41am

I'm sixteen years old and I am currently a virgin. While my friends have been promiscuous and gone pretty far with guys they had literally just met, I chose to be more cautious. I've been with my boyfriend, my first love, for almost a year now and I waited six months before having oral sex with him. Turns out, he was unaware that he had oral herpes, and now I'm a virgin with an STD. You can do absolutely everything right and still get herpes, this is not your fault. I know when I first found I tested positive, I was pretty depressed. I thought no one would ever love me either. I talked to my mom and she told me about a surprising number of women with herpes that she personally knows who are married with children. She even told me one of my brother's girlfriends had herpes. This is not the end of your life! This first outbreak you have had may even be your last, it's not uncommon to only have one. Yes, you have to be careful about your sexual practices, but being careful is just smart. I know I'm young, but I'm well educated on the matter. Remember, you are the only person or thing that can ruin your life, you are the only one who has the power to decide what ruins you. So take it in stride, don't define yourself by a disease.

vivalavida

5/ 3/11 3:13am

Dear Friend,

I am 21 years old and I was diagnosed with herpes this past year. I have only slept with 4 guys in my lifetime and 2 of them were my long time boyfriends. I was upset about it for about 2 weeks and frantically searched for answers on the internet, but I honestly want to tell you that life is going to be OK. This is not something to ever contemplate suicide over. It's not cancer or paralysis, its a small virus in your vagina that surfaces every once in awhile. It is embarrassing and hard to deal with I agree, but think of this: 25% of people have it. It is out there a lot. And the best thing? It doesn't surface often. I haven't had an outbreak since January, and I am living great. My career is underway, I am happy and healthy and luckily, I have a boyfriend who doesn't care and loves me. I often think about what would happen if I didn't have him, but it doesn't phase me, because well, PLENTY of people have it and really great people won't care. If you really fall for someone and you tell them and they leave after getting all the information about it, well then they're really not all that great. If anything, I think it weeds out all the non-compassionate people in the world and makes your decisions easier. 1) there are plenty of websites to meet people with similar STDs, and 2) you can still have babies, and 3) if you are safe you can have a normal life just like anybody else and protect your partner and die a happy gal. Life is just too short to spend your time worrying about this. It sucks that it happened and you will pass your knowledge on to your children and keep them safe, however, you are still so healthy! My best friends mom died last year and it really put things in perspective for me: people on this earth have so many problems and I am so blessed to have my family and friends and most of my health! So think Positive! You acn do anything, you will find someone who loves you, and this hump will make you stronger.

All my Love,

How do you move on? (kind of long, but please read)

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