Dear Ashley,

MS

3/11/11 12:54pm

Sorry I pushed enter by accident before replying...

 

In response to you situation I would like to say just a few things.

 

Similarly to your husbands claim, I actually did experience a suden outbreak of herpes 4 months into a new relationship with a man who did not have the virus. I was devestated and had no idea who I got itfrom since I have been very careful about who I sleep with for the last several years and couldn't imagine who I was with that I wouldn't have noticed. My only partners were my ex-fiance and my new current boyfriend with the exception of one fling some years back with an old boyfriend. My point is, knowing myself and that I had not been with anyone but my current boyfriend when I started showing symptoms of herpes (on my back for some reason, but not Shingles as it came back again later), I was very scared. At first I thought that maybe my current boyfriend had cheated on me or that he had had it and was unaware. He tested clean for it to which eased my mind. The fact still remained however that I had herpes and didn't understand how I could suddenly just get it. I was told that when you first contract herpes it is possible for it to lay dormant for as much as a few years before you show any symptoms. I now know that before my outbreaks I will experience numbness in my right leg around the thigh area and it hurts when it is touched. NOW this is followed by an outbreak right above my butt (which also makes no sense since I did not ever engage in anal sex). Previously to having outbreaks of the actual sores, I had been having problems with my leg getting number for at least a year, and nobody could tell me why. Bottom line is he may be telling the truth about not knowing that he had it. It happened to me.

 

In regards to unprotected sex and trying to concieve a child, the child will be at no risk if you do not take any perscription drugs for the virus while pregnant and if you have a c section. Otherwise vaginal delivery is risky and the virus can be transfered to the baby if you are having an outbreak or are about to have one. I know this because I have spoken to my doctor about it.

 

The only remaining issue is your willingness to contract the virus from your husband. If you love him and plan on staying with him, as a wife both emotionally, physically (and sexually), chances are you will eventually also contract the virus. This is not to say that you should HAVE to, if you can't handle the idea of ever having it yourself, then you may want to reconsider your marraige. There is no gentle way of saying that... it is true that condoms and even preventative medications will only prevent other people from catching the virus from a carrier to a certain degree, after which there is not much that can be done. You can be sure to refrain from sex during breakouts, and to request that he seek a preventative method such as Valtrex (which I use and is effective yet costly).

 

The truth about herpes is that 1 out of every 4 women have it. It is not uncommon. Especially in younger generations now. It is ultimately no risk to your overall health. It is an ugly word attached to a dirty stigma that likely will never fade. But in the end all it is is coldsores on your genitalia. They're not always there. Painful, yes. Life altering, yes. Is it the end of the world? No.

 

Lastly, my boyfriend and I are still together after over a year. I have only known that I had herpes for the last 8 months. For the first four we were having unprotected sex all the time, I was on a very effective form of birth control (Mirena) so why wouldn't we? He never got it. He still doesn't have it and we continue to have a very productive sex life including oral sex. At first this was all very hard for me to accept, I cried about it all the time and didn't want him to touch me, I did not even pleasure myself, nor did I feel the urge to for months. He assures me that he loves me and supports me no matter what, and that has made this whole thing much easier on us both. If you do catch it, which I realize is not ideal, it's not the worst thing that could happen. What's worse, losing your husband? Or getting herpes...? The decision is obviously yours and I hope it all works out for you. I hope that something in this little rant has helped you... good luck with everything.

 

Kind Regards,

 

MS

Hi, my story is very similar to yours except myhusband was told to tell his partner or spouse he was infected and inspite of outrbreaks he hid it from me for years until I was pregnant and miscarried at 4 months...only to discover it was due to Herpes...from HIM. I said nothing to him to let him know I knew and I read back through 20 years of medical history to find the 'diagnosis' of his unfaithfulness to me three years ago. . . while in the UK.  All I can say is that I believe that my exposure to herpes (and hepaitis) did cause me to have the miscarriage.  And my GYN in light of my spouses lies and denial of having herpes and hepc (even though I have the records to prove it) she has done a full specturm STD panel on me. The odds of me having atleast herpes she said is very high. . . becasue I was (unknowingly not so ) in a healthy marriage and enjoyed sex with my spouse. Good luck. I am right there with you trying to decide what to do. We have older children to for me to think about. I found a article I will paste a clip of here. It is good information on men who lie about herpes and what you have to look forward to.  I'm not syaing divorce becasue that is a very personal decision and I myself am still trying to figure this out: 

Several years ago I was completely blind sighted and devastated when I was infected with genital herpes during the second year of a relationship with a physician. We had spent several months getting to know one another prior to starting a sexual relationship in which he assured me that he had no STDs. From the moment he infected me, I experienced continuous anxiety not knowing what else he was hiding from me. Trust me, no therapist can fix betrayal. The relationship ended from lack of trust. He apologized believing he could not infect a partner with asymptomatic herpes despite articles in the Journal American Medical Association and the New York Times in the early 2000s stating otherwise; he subscribed to both. In hindsight, I feel that he was too embarrassed to tell me or he didn't care (he has had multiple relationships since). Unfortunately, I have other health issues caused by herpes and still live with monthly outbreaks of 10 days even on acyclovir. It is expensive to treat even with medical insurance. I didn't pursue taking civil action for damages; nor did my partner offer amends.

Like your husband, he initially tried to convince me that I had it all along without realizing it. My initial blood test (takes six weeks to show up) were negative. He also felt exonerated by saying that we were in a committed relationship so it didn't matter-- a soul mate doesn't behave this way. An infected partner has a moral responsible to disclose herpes before starting a relationship, especially if they want a relationship based on honesty and trust. If your blood tests are consistently negative, you are not infected with the virus, at least yet. Usually, your first outbreak is pretty bad-- I had meningitus and sores that took a month to heal. I couldn't urinate without squirting water in the infected areas.

According to an article in the New York Times, http://consults.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/06/18/giving-your-partner-herpes/, a condom alone is roughly 30% effective. Antiviral drugs alone are roughly 49% effective. The only way to avoid herpes is to avoid sexual contact with an infected partner. Herpes comes with life- long issues and takes years to accept the consequences of living with herpes (I haven't yet). Personally, I believe both partners should discuss these issues together with a knowledgeable treating physician before having sex for best results. I also believe infected partners have to accept that it's inappropriate to tell uninfected partners that if you love me, it wouldn't matter or herpes is no big deal. Having it, I can tell you this: it is. If they loved you, they wouldn't want you to have herpes. I wouldn't have a sexual relationship with an uninfected partner. With outbreaks every month and other issues caused by herpes, I'm no longer able to have any sexual relationship (I enjoyed it very much). Fortunately, I have an adult daughter from a prior marriage and didn't have to live with this anxiety during a pregnancy.

I really wish that the person who infected me had care enough about me to protect me from being infected. Gambling with someone's health via Russian roulette is not acceptable behavior. A responsible person infected with herpes, doesn't "sugar coat" it. Your feelings are totally legitimate, however, it appears that your partner may be too self centered to validate them; or he is hiding more things from you that you are currently unaware of. The herpes albeit a very serious one, is a power struggle. Where there are power struggles, there are lies.