Wednesday, November 26, 2008 sexylady67 asks

Q: When do u tell the guy??

I went out on a first date with a guy that I met online and we hit it off. I felt a connection with this guy and he seemed like a good honest and caring man. So when we met on date number two, we went out and when we got back to the car we were kissing. Hands started going everywhere and I felt the need to let him know about my wonderful gift. So, I tell him that we need to talk and it takes me a while to tell him but I finally get it out in the open that I have genital herpes, he asked some questions and I answered them. He took it all in stride and said that he did not think any less of me and he appreciated me being honest with him... We then go back to making out and he tells me at the end of the evening that he will call me tomorrow.. He tells me that he really likes me.. Well tomorrow was yesterday and i have not heard from him... I know he is a busy man and I am just as busy a woman, so I am hoping that he is just very busy and did not have the time. I guess this herpes thing has made me more insecure than I was before.. We are both in our early 40's and my experience with men has been mainly with guys who cheat and lie to me. But knowing that I told him that I have herpes and now I don't hear from him it makes me wonder if I will ever hear from him again.. He is a hunter and had to go to the hunting cabin to get his tree stand put up, so maybe he is just truly busy, but god it is driving me crazy wondering. I mean i definitely felt a connection with this one and I don't know he seems different and I guess that is why I thought I would tell him on the second date because i did feel something and figured if he did have issues that it would be easier to walk away from sooner rather than later... Was I wrong in telling him so soon or was I right to do it now and see what happens?????

UPDATE: well the guy blocked me from sending him messages on plenty of fish and he won't call me back, so i guess i got my answer.. i just don't understand why he could not just be honest with me when he found out... Why did he continue to be affectionate with me if he had no intentions of seeing me again?? Men can be such dogs... I am just tired of it... and sad...

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Answers (1)

Penelope James, Health Guide

11/26/08 9:11pm

Hi sexylady,

I understand your feelings completely. I also have herpes and have had to tell partners about it before. I know it's not easy. To answer your question about whether you told him at the right time...is hard to say. If it had been a different guy, maybe one who already has experience with herpes, he may have been more accepting and open. I've known and heard of many guys who have no qualms about dating a woman with herpes. So I think it's good you told him soon, to get it out in the open early on. However, I do think the probability of a guy staying with a woman with herpes is higher the more they know each other. Since you only had contact online and one date, I think his fear of getting herpes was greater than his desire to face the situation and keep seeing you. Maybe he didn't say that to you in person because at the time he really didn't think it was a big deal, and then later decided he didn't want to pursue it. Or maybe he just didn't have the courage to tell you in person. Men can be very cowardly when it comes to emotions. Either way, it's no biggie and there are plenty of guys who will like you just the way you are. Sounds cliche, I know. But it's true! You'll see if you read testimonies from women on this website.

In fact, I went through the same thing myself. I told a guy I had herpes and he seemed totally cool about it. Then I went on vacation the next day and when I came back he wouldn't return my calls. Oh well. I moved on and so will you. And that was only one in maybe seven guys I've told, and he was the only one that rejected me because of it.

I wrote a couple of SharePosts dealing specifically with how and when to tell your partner. They are called Setting the Scene and Breaking the News. You might want to read them before you go out with the next hottie. I also recommend you check out the Dating and Relationships page.

And don't forget, you're not alone! We've all been through this, so don't beat yourself up about it.

ALK

2/17/12 11:36am

Thanks PJ...I really appreciate your optimistic outlook and response to:when do you tell the guy???

Same thing happened to me on the second date...we were being intimate so I feel this is the time to tell them, I mean we are adults are we not?

It doesn't seem to matter what the profession of the man is but their integrity and awareness....many are lacking in this area.

And you are right, the fear was much greater in getting the herpes then in facing and dealing with in what I thought was going to be a great relationship.

This definitely is an indicator in how the potential suitor would behave if the relationship were to develop. Better to know sooner than later when time and energy have been invested.

Thanks again for clarifying what I already knew.

Q: When do u tell the guy??

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