Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Monday, April 09, 2012 CM23, Community Member, asks

Q: How to tell a person you have recently started seeing that you have herpes?

I have started talking to a guy and I think we get on really well, at what point do you tell them you have herpes? When is the right time? I'm 19 and only have been diagnosed for 2 months I haven't properly cried or thought about what it will change in my life. So when I started talking to this guy and started to feel a connection, I thought to myself this is going well and it It crossed my mind about what will happen now that I have herpes? Is it safe for him? How do I come out with it that I do? It made me cry and goggle answers, thats how i found this site. I know It is right to tell him before we decide to become sexually active, because that's how I got. I started seeing a guy and we was getting on, we seemed to have a lot in common so it happened but he faild tell me that he had herpes and soon as we had sex, he stopped speaking to me, any contact what so ever, I have been trying to contact hm to tell him. So I don't even know that he h he has got it, but I have tried. So my question is how do I approach the 'talk', how do I say it? When? Please help me, I feel so isolated and that I'm unable to date, love etc again, I don't want to hurt someone like the person who did this to me hurt me.
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Disclosing Herpes, Community Member
4/10/12 12:24am

I am really sorry that this has happen to you. If a person doesn't disclose herpes knowingly, you can take civil action against him for medical and emotional damages. The person's medical records can be obtained through a court order. With most states, it must be done within two years.

 

Unfortunately, herpes is the most contagious within the first year and it isn't a good idea to have sexual relations with an unifected partner for awhile if you choose that path. I think you need to educate yourself about herpes. The CDC is a good website: http://www.cdc.gov/std/herpes/STDFact-herpes.htm. People with no symptoms of the virus can infect another person (that's how I got it). Check out this recent article: http://www.latimes.com/health/la-genital-herpes-spread-sex-gallery,0,6367853.story. Also, I like the New York Times website on giving your partner herpes. Even with an antiviral drug and condom use, an infected partner can still transmit it: http://consults.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/06/18/giving-your-partner-herpes/. People have become infected without sexual intercourse but through physical skin contact with the thighs, buttocks and genital areas.

 

There are infected partners who work hard successfully at not infecting their uninfected partners. I am much older than you so having a relationnship is no longer the focus in my life. If I were to meet someone and it seemed like it could be headed that direction, I would tell them right away but for different reasons. I don't want to transfer the virus and I couldn't enjoy sex if I were worrying about that. They would have to know I would only be interested in being their friend unless they were infected. To your advantage, I am told that more younger people have it. I also think that you have to expect that the person may act like it's not that important after you disclose it but within a few weeks after saying lets get to know one another better, they disappear.

 

Herpes is a big deal and it's a life long condition. I think it's asking a lot for uninfected partner to gamble with their health especially early in a relationship. One postive thing about herpes is that it taught me how to be alone and independent. Looking back (in addition to the partner who infected me), I realize that I picked partners who were very selfish and didn't care about me. In reality, I was already alone. Herpes was a wakeup call.

 

It does get better over time but you have been recently infected. You need more time to focus on your health. Good luck to you.

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By CM23, Community Member— Last Modified: 04/10/12, First Published: 04/09/12