First of all oral herpes doesn't jump from the same person's mouth to the genital areas. It comes from another person infected with oral herpes performing oral sex on the unifected person.
I would give anything for a misdiagnosis of herpes. I have it and I certainly understand the anguish of finding out you may have it. Unfortunately, it becomes worse when the tests confirm you have it. Your share illustrates the emotional anguish having herpes causes on one's life.
With me, I was in the second year of a relationship with a doctor who denied having any STDs (he knew he had herpes) when we discussed it prior to starting a sexual relationship several months after we met. Six months prior to getting infected with herpes, I had a sore in which the doctor believed it was herpes and claimed my boyfriend had herpes. I tested negative: sore and blood work. It didn't even occur to me that he could have it and he didn't come clean at that time. He came from a shame based family of origin. At the time, I didn't grasp that people who carry shame, lie. After that, I never trusted him anymore and the relationship ended.
He once indicated that he began disclosing herpes afterwards (if you can believe him) and that it not a big deal with his partners since me. I really hope that persons who are infected with herpes recognize the emotional impact of transferring the virus to another person as shared by you about your wife. While he tried to apologize, it's about him feeling bad for what he did; not about atonement.
Finally, herpes is difficult to diagnose. My doctor suspected I had it the second time but because my ex-boyfriend denied having it, I wasn't tested for it initially. So I suffered immensely on my first outbreak. Let it go and use this opportunity to learn more about the virus so you can educate others about how this feels.