Stroke: How to Deal With Grief and Blame

For many of us, a great sadness develops and impedes our progress towards recovery when we're in the hospital recovering from stroke. I heard it tonight as I visited two women at the regional rehabilitation center where I visit and speak to stroke peers.

"It's not my fault!" cried one lady. "I blame the doctors because they should have known," said the other.  

I was there too. Many years ago, I felt the same way. Why didn't someone, anyone, take the responsibility to prevent the event that changed my life?

It is only with time and clear objective thinking that I came to realize that the stroke I had was no ones fault. But I needed to grieve. I needed to weep over the loss of a part of myself that I instinctively knew would never return.

Yes, I was alive. Yes, I was determined to re-learn to walk and communicate and do as much as I could for my recovery. But I also knew that my personality, or who I was before the brain attack, had changed too. I wanted to be me again. I grieved over the loss of function, but mostly over the loss of myself. Rebuilding a new life, a new person, wasn't going to be easy.

It is normal to grieve. We spend a lot of energy trying to fine tune every detail leading up to the stroke in an attempt to place blame or fault on something or someone else other than accepting the fact that stroke occurred from a series of unfortunate events.

In time, we realize that short of x-ray vision into all your arteries at the exact moment the stroke occurred (and even with this type of advanced technology) no one could have foreseen the stroke.

No physician, no hospital staff member, no friend, relative, spouse, or neighbor caused your ischemic or hemorrhagic stroke. There is always a chance of stroke during or post-surgery and the physician or hospital staff explained that to you and you, or a family member, signed a consent form, willing to take the risk, for overall improved health.

Bad things happen to good people. And when they do, we grieve. The grief process is as individual as we are. No one can speed that along for us, but there are therapists available on rehabilitation centers that will help us through the process. Their training and expertise will afford you a safe place to vent your anger, blame, and frustration.

Know that these are natural, normal feelings that flood our brain in desperation post-stroke. Know too, that your thinking processes may be jumbled for a while and your brain may need rest to recover. But most importantly, know that you are an important and valued human being.

When you are ready, try to take that negative energy and flip it to positive energy for healing and growth. Because of this life-changing event you may be able to pursue that hobby or learn something new about yourself.

You will, eventually, re-learn many new and exciting things about who you are today and who you want to be. Sometimes, this type of evolution may need anti-depressants to help you reach from one small goal to another. But you will get there.