Family and Friends & IBD

If I really had to make an excuse for not being able to eat or drink something, or dashing to and from the bathroom more than the average person, I'd often play the IBS card. And more often that not, the person I'd be talking to would say, "Oh, I have that. . ." or, "I have a friend who has that. . ." or, less often, "I don't have that, but I do have IBD." But, if I received just a blank stare, meaning the person had absolutely NO idea what in the heck I was talking about, I'd just say I was having an issue with my stomach that day. Just the idea of talking about the poop zone seemed to placate people and we'd all move onto the next subject.

Today, if I'm talking to someone who doesn't have IBD or IBS then I don't go into detail about symptoms, problems, or treatments. They're not going to get it, so why even go there. I'm not being dismissive or mean, but it's true. Unless you have IBD or IBS or actually live with someone who does, you aren't going to get what it means, what it entails, or how it affects that person's life. You can talk until you are blue in the face, but it's not going to compute. The non-IBDer or non-IBSer will just think that you can take a pill, stop eating a certain food and poof! you're fine and well and can move on. Even though my dad has UC and my mom has IBS, the only person, other than me, who really understands what my life is like with IBD and IBS is my husband. We live together, work together, travel together, and play together. He GETS it as well as anybody without IBD ever will and for that I am extremely grateful.

Now, on the odd chance that someone really pushes me for details, or insists on trying to help by giving me random and useless suggestions, I can become quite blunt. This is rare, but sometimes just necessary. For example, when I was at my sickest and thinnest (I'm 5'7" tall weighed about 95 lbs.) back in 1998 a "helpful" neighbor decided I was anorexic. She even told my husband so. He chuckled at the idea and told the neighbor, "No, she's not. I'm quite sure of it." Well, a couple of weeks after this the neighbor invited me to her house for a lady's happy hour. I knew I couldn't drink but I was still relatively new in that neighborhood and didn't want to seem standoffish so I went. Instead of walking into a social situation I walked into an intervention, for me. About seven neighbor ladies sat there telling me they knew I was anorexic, they intended to make me own up to it, and would assist in getting me the help I needed. I listened, incredulously, and when they were done I sat there and laughed. "I don't have an eating problem," I told them, "I have a pooping problem. And it's well under control. Thank you." I got up and walked out. It was the last time I heard about anorexia or any other health issue from any of them.

My point is this. If and when it's right to talk about your health with others, you'll know it. And as for how much detail to give, you'll know that too. I, however, think the less well you know someone, the less details you give. And when you run into those people who just don't get it, or think you're blowing your illness out of proportion (and you will run into these people, whether friend, family member, neighbor, or co-worker) I now just point them to websites such as this where they can read about it. For some reason, when people see the symptoms and treatments and stories of other people living with IBD it makes it more real and concrete for them. Frustrating? Yes. But, it is what it is. We can't all be knowledgeable about every illness out there. It's just not possible. So, be patient with people. And realize that not everyone will actually understand what you're talking about or going through. And more importantly, it doesn't matter if they do. It really only matters that you know and understand your illness and that your doctor know and understand you and how to help you live with IBD.