I've been trying very hard these last few months to feel good about myself....to not let my disability be the root of all...however, this is not working out very well. My ‘stool' has become increasingly commanding....that is to say, it is more often, and more in general. I've lost most control of my bowels, cannot even hold it for a few seconds...and this is EXTREMLEY disheartening as my condition is worsening to that of an infant. I've changed my diet tremendously, and drink more water...but all that's changed is I have to carry a few more diapers in my bag with me, add plastic panties to the diaper bag inventory, and extra wipes, etc.
I am so embarrassed to go out in public. I've had to resort to wearing plastic pants over my thick diapers, and I'm sure a lot of you know, the plastic pants are not silent warriors. But unfortunately because of my increasing loads, I don't feel secure if I don't have them on with my diapers now. Over Easter weekend, I went to the Cape with my mother and sister...I didn't enjoy myself at all as I was defeated by my constant messes. I moved my bowels while we were in the grocery store shopping for Easter dinner food...gawd, it was so humiliating...it came out of no where as always, but it was so much, and so commanding, it made me bend over a little, and my eyes were watering....it's hard for me to even type this right now...I was so ashamed. Ashamed because I can only let it happen, and wait until it's all out....and then have to walk around in it, sit in it....
Now the weather is getting nice...and nice weather is no good for me at all....many diaper rashes happen to me in the heat. I hate this
All for now
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