Disability retirement

Since December 2008, I have been going through the process of asking for disability retirement where I work because chronic headache and two or more migraines a week have been my daily norm. Management did not want my position made part-time back when I asked in the summer of 2008 because it would look like they could do the job without added people (and they want more people). I asked for telecommuting before and was told the position doesn't fit the mold. Job sharing was also denied. I applied for disability retirement when personnel told me there was no chance of reassignment. In the meantime, I've worked a part-time schedule, making up the hours with unpaid leave. I've struggled even there, sometimes only working three days instead of four.

I received the letter approving my disability retirement, and the feelings I'm having are bittersweet. On one hand, I know I will have a small income and insurance, while I am continuing to find treatment that will help me get my headaches/migraine disease under control. I no longer will have to get up early to take meds in the hopes of keeping the headache that's like clockwork at bay enough to get ready. I am hoping less stress will mean less attacks, too (including a stop to ER or urgent care visits.)

I have worked for 10 years at my current job and it paid well, had great benefits and made me feel productive. I know I had only two options: the retirement or trying to go to work fulltime again. The latter would have been impossible considering my track record trying to work even part time -- I'm the worst in the morning -- but I can't help but feel like I failed somehow, even though I've seen so many doctors for each of the illnesses, fibromyalgia, TMD, migraine disease, that have made my quality of life so poor.

I know I need to accept though that I did pray for God's answer, just as I prayed before I applied. I have to trust that He will take me through this, too. He's taken me through worse!

Anyway, I thought I would share my story because I have a feeling this is normal and really I'm grieving my old self while learning to accept my new one. God bless!