Well, living in the North East (PA), the weather here hasn't been the greatest. God help me if it rains or snows, and at the moment, winter can't make up it's mind. The barameter moves and I'm like a deer... they go feed, I run for drugs! Does anyone else go through this? Usually 24 hours before anything happens, before that first rain drop or snow flake, the pressure is building and I've got the pain over my eyes. And there isn't a **** thing that will take it away.
I've just spent the past 4 days fighting yet another weather related migraine. Lets see, we've had Maxalt, Motrin, Relpax, Execdrine Migraine, Darvocet, Valium and Lidocaine patches. Good thing I can function on all of these meds, but now my stomach is a mess as usual. Thank god for prilosec!
I can only sleep and lay around so much and when that pager drops tones though. I have to make the quick decision of if I am up to the task of running out the door, dawning my turnout and jumping on the rescue to run help someone else that could be in a bad situation. Sometimes I go, sometimes I don't... and that's a call I have to make. But as I lay here and listen to the scanner and the job at hand that I chose not to go to, I hear they are "light on crews", so I pull myself together and run out the door. Knowing that in just a little while, once the task at hand is over... may it be pulling someone out of a crashed car, putting water on a fire, pulling hose or just sitting on scene babysitting wires down over the road... the pain is going to be 5 times worse than it was when I ran out the door. I can't seem to stop myself and the truth is, it does help get my mind off of the pain. But as soon as my "task" is done, I feel like collapsing.
It's how I deal some days. And I can't explain it other than adrenaline. The feeling of obligation, the choice I made to be an EMT/Firefighter, the need to remove myself from the pain. The feeling that someone else might need me without realizing that's where my strength is coming from. Trust me, that doesn't cross your mind. The only thing going through your mind en route is, what am I going to find on scene, what do I need to be prepared for, I hope it's not too bad, I hope they're alive... I could go on. One thing being in EMS and Fire does, is it strips away any illusion of death you may have. It's never, "give my mom my love" or "say goodbye for me". It's sometimes quick and often violent and never easy to see. But there's always that one call, that one day, that something you do will make a difference. It's a thankless job but any true FF or EMT isn't in it for the thank you or the pat on the back. It's a blood thing... you do it because, you were chosen to do it. So maybe that's a way I can explain how I can handle a migraine and still work the worst of calls. All I know, is that I do pay later, but I wouldn't trade it if I can make a difference!
This weekend was a bit different though, I was teaching at the college. We never expected the whole class to actually show up to make up a snow day.. but at 9am Saturday morning, 53 students were in class. For 4 hours, we ran through pateint assessments, testing and just working the calls with them. I did it on Motrin and Maxalt. I looked fine, just tired... circles under my eyes, but I kept a smile on. We walked out of the school and my head remembered it was hurting. Funny how I was able to not really forget it, but function without letting anyone else see it. I guess that's where I can say "heart" takes over. My heart is truely into teaching others because lets face it, some day, I won't be able to do this job. I'll need replacements, but not just anyone, GOOD EMTs. And that's my focus when I'm there. But for the life of me, I can't figure out how I hide it so well. How I function and then all the sudden when I don't "have to" hide it, I'm a mess. My husband must think I'm nuts. He sees it, doesn't say much, tries to help. But there is so little he can do. And it was like someone flipped a light switch... I was smiling and then 1/2 mile down the road, I'm rubbing my head and temple and he looks over and says, "head's hurting huh?" Huh? What gave you that clue? lol poor guy!
I've just spent the past 4 days fighting yet another weather related migraine. Lets see, we've had Maxalt, Motrin, Relpax, Execdrine Migraine, Darvocet, Valium and Lidocaine patches. Good thing I can function on all of these meds, but now my stomach is a mess as usual. Thank god for prilosec!
I can only sleep and lay around so much and when that pager drops tones though. I have to make the quick decision of if I am up to the task of running out the door, dawning my turnout and jumping on the rescue to run help someone else that could be in a bad situation. Sometimes I go, sometimes I don't... and that's a call I have to make. But as I lay here and listen to the scanner and the job at hand that I chose not to go to, I hear they are "light on crews", so I pull myself together and run out the door. Knowing that in just a little while, once the task at hand is over... may it be pulling someone out of a crashed car, putting water on a fire, pulling hose or just sitting on scene babysitting wires down over the road... the pain is going to be 5 times worse than it was when I ran out the door. I can't seem to stop myself and the truth is, it does help get my mind off of the pain. But as soon as my "task" is done, I feel like collapsing.
It's how I deal some days. And I can't explain it other than adrenaline. The feeling of obligation, the choice I made to be an EMT/Firefighter, the need to remove myself from the pain. The feeling that someone else might need me without realizing that's where my strength is coming from. Trust me, that doesn't cross your mind. The only thing going through your mind en route is, what am I going to find on scene, what do I need to be prepared for, I hope it's not too bad, I hope they're alive... I could go on. One thing being in EMS and Fire does, is it strips away any illusion of death you may have. It's never, "give my mom my love" or "say goodbye for me". It's sometimes quick and often violent and never easy to see. But there's always that one call, that one day, that something you do will make a difference. It's a thankless job but any true FF or EMT isn't in it for the thank you or the pat on the back. It's a blood thing... you do it because, you were chosen to do it. So maybe that's a way I can explain how I can handle a migraine and still work the worst of calls. All I know, is that I do pay later, but I wouldn't trade it if I can make a difference!
This weekend was a bit different though, I was teaching at the college. We never expected the whole class to actually show up to make up a snow day.. but at 9am Saturday morning, 53 students were in class. For 4 hours, we ran through pateint assessments, testing and just working the calls with them. I did it on Motrin and Maxalt. I looked fine, just tired... circles under my eyes, but I kept a smile on. We walked out of the school and my head remembered it was hurting. Funny how I was able to not really forget it, but function without letting anyone else see it. I guess that's where I can say "heart" takes over. My heart is truely into teaching others because lets face it, some day, I won't be able to do this job. I'll need replacements, but not just anyone, GOOD EMTs. And that's my focus when I'm there. But for the life of me, I can't figure out how I hide it so well. How I function and then all the sudden when I don't "have to" hide it, I'm a mess. My husband must think I'm nuts. He sees it, doesn't say much, tries to help. But there is so little he can do. And it was like someone flipped a light switch... I was smiling and then 1/2 mile down the road, I'm rubbing my head and temple and he looks over and says, "head's hurting huh?" Huh? What gave you that clue? lol poor guy!
[quote]Funny how I was able to not really forget it, but function without letting anyone else see it.[/quote]
Hi Christie,
Reading what you were saying in your post and your profile, I saw myself in many ways... I admire you for what you do, as, although I don't have as demanding a job, I have an idea of what it is to have to go and be out there, in pain, and having to function as normally as possible.
It's true, people don't really understand. How can they? You can't understand what you don't know... but it's frustrating. It's frustrating to want to show that pain, but to be unable to. It's frustrating when you feel the guilt; when people don't believe you. It's frustrating when people pity you, and it's frustrating when they ask too much of you! Like you mentionned about the Motrin, I HATE it when people tell you to take an Advil and you'll feel better! It doesn't work that way... I wish it did, but it doesn't. It's frustrating when people ask if I have a headache... of course I do! I haven't been without one in years!!! I've told them that... but because I appear to function normally most of the time, they forget.
Anyways, sorry for venting, I'm getting angry here, so I better stop...