THe devils pit

By danielleinneedof help Thursday, October 15, 2009

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the last 2 years of my life have been a living hell. I don't remember a good day. cause if there is a day I don't have a migraine I worry when it is going to come on and how bad the pain will be this time. My biggest fight has been this month. After having all my female parts removed with only one ovary left. I was hoping this would help my migraines. I have a pressure in my head that I live with it never goes away. After seeing a doctor who tells me that I have been misdignosed since migraine med and preventives don't worK for me or I have some type of reaction to them. I have had several appointments this week to therapist and phy MD. To find I am a normal person with sever uncontroled migraines and anxiety. I went back to the doctor with the papers saying I am normal and she wouldn't help me! Couldn't even call me to tell me she was sorry for accusing me of the things she said. I have spent countless hours on the phone to try and find someone anyone who can help me. The last 2 days I have been so depressed thinking I will live like this for the rest of my life. I refuse to let my migraine take my life from me. When I have a attack my husband tells me to lay down rest and I just clean and do laundry things around the house because when I lay there the pain doesn't go away I just think why .... When will it stop..... it hurts so bad..... why won't someone help me......... take the pain away...... I drive myself crazy. I spent all day yesterday on the phone to my insurance to doctor adovates trying to see what I can do to help this invisible monster that is taking my life. With no answer I just cried all day all night. I didn't want to get out of the bed. It was pouring rain the wind was up and my migraine was full blown before my feet hit the floor. My anxiety was on top notch cause here we go again. I don't want to wake up feeling this way. I want to wake up to the laughter of my 3 children who love life and know no real pain that won't leave them. I want to smile when they smile and laugh when they laugh and be loud with them when they are loud instead of holding my head and wishes the pain would go away just so I could enjoy them.

I was mad when they were treating my migraines with antidepessant. I wasn't depressed I had a pounding headache on the right side that made the vision in my right eye bluryI hated the sun for the time being, and sound killed me and the kids crying because they fell made me want to chock myself and remind myself to watch them better.

Now I am starting to think my migraines are pulling me into the dark hole of depression and I am yelling and scream for God to grab my hand cause I don't want to be here. I want to be where my head is light has feather. Why is God's hand slipping?

Why does the devil continue to hold me in his chains when I tell him over and over again I am a child of God.

God please don't let go I won't I have a small grip give me strenght to pull myself back up with you! Where the loudest childest laughter echos over and over.

Comments (4) | Add comment

mamalu

10/17/09 12:15am

I feel your pain. As I was reading your life, I felt like I had some of the same happening to me. Don't give up. I know it feels like you are alone but you are not. We are here and we know how you feel. My migraines and pain in my skull and neck are there almost daily. One or the other it is just a different level sometimes a 10 and I don't know how I will go on...God will not let you go. Keep praying.. Don't lose hope...

danielleinneedof help

10/19/09 12:38am

I am off to see a new doctor who has already pulled a narantic list up on me. I didn't know what it was till I look it up on the cumputer. I guess it is to see if you are drug shopping or doctor shopping.I am so confussed I don't weather to hope she did these to help or to see if I am a drug addict. It just pisses me off that just because we have a pain no one can see or knows what causes it. I am believed to be a drug seeker. I am just a seeker of help for the pain for the pain so I can enjoy my life and my family!

Next day it is off to a new Nero and see what they say. I pray i get some answers that I need. cause my hope has fallen off the charts.

Thanks for the response

hope you are feeling well we are over casted with rain here and there painfull day for me!

Anonymous

10/19/09 10:48pm

When reading your story, I understand exactly where you are coming from because I am going through the same thing. At times it is easy to just lose hope and give up. When you have a terrible migraine, it is hard to find the energy to do anything especially when you have no way to find a relief for it. I deal with chronic daily headaches and migraines. The last headache free day I have had has been over a year ago. I've felt lost and hopeless numerous times, but I try to think that I will find a doctor that can help and someday I will be able to enjoy my life. I haven't even graduated college yet. I have all these hopes and dreams of traveling the world and becoming a teacher. So when you wrote that you want to wake up to the laughter of your family and enjoy your life, I understand where you're coming from. Remember also that God will never leave you nor forsake you. We do not always know why God puts us through these trials and at times they don't seem fair. I've always thought about it, why me? If only somebody else could go through one day of what I have to live with everyday of my life, but that's not possible. We will never understand God's reasoning. We have to put our faith in him and just know that he will never give us anything more than we can handle and he will never leave us. Never give up hope of finding a cure for your migraines, we will both find one someday. We will both enjoy our lives!! : )

danielleinneedof help

10/20/09 12:13am

Today I woke up to a over casted sky and rain pouring and my head pounding before it even thought to come off the pillow. 7:30 I finally get out of the bed not wanting to, but I made a promise of pancakes and bacon to 3 little men who I don't like to disappoint. I finally get out of bed and with my head pounding and my stomach turning I throw out some pancakes and bacon. Hugs and kisses from 3 little men are such a big reward for a task that should be so small but isn't at the moment. I did what I said I would do for them. So even i am happy with myself for a moment. even thoughtI know, I am wishing at the time I could chop my own head off and still make pancakes.LOL But today was a new day and another trip to see yet another doctor. With a stack of paper in hand which is ashamed I have to call my health record.

Yet something happens before I go in something I haven't done in a long time. With my friend in my car I just start to pray out loud. Asking God that this be the place this be the doctor to finally help me and my head. The one to end the pain the disappointment the stress. I prayed for his guidiness and understand and to let me accept what happens in here weather good or bad. I pray to keep my cool and not let my foul tongue rule me. My paper in hand and preparing myself for anything. After a alittle time of looking back on my medical records some dating back to 2001 the doctor Finally says.

I see you are one of those people these migraine medications just don't work for. Words I have been waiting to hear the words that finally pulled me up the pit some.

and then she says what can I do what do you need to get relief what is the best medication that easies the pain. Someone finally got it! I finally get a script for pain and I couldn't wait to get the phamacy so the pain I have had all morning my be gone for just alittle while. I know that it will probably be back a few hours later cause the rain is still coming down, but it was just nice to know that someone who couldn't see the throbbing in my head or the thoughts I had about my head LOL finally knew it was there. Thank you God for answering my prayers and never letting me go. I know this isn't the answer nor a cure and maybe there will never be in my time, but I did enjoy my few hours of some relief. even though right now the pain is here and I am sure it will come to visit tomorrow. But the one thing that is Faithful and true rode in the car with me today and held my hand and the stack of paper I hate to call mine. Tomorrow is another trip to the nero and hopefully I will find even more answer there. I know that my friend will go with me again but I also know who will be in the back seat.

Don't lose hope I know I have been there pray ask for it he is always listening he is never to tried or inpatient to listen even if we keep saying the same thing. Release your fear of the fact that, that someone you are seeing today isn't going to help you. Take the power back and give it to the right one. Relief will come.

Sorry I lost my way! It can be so easy to forget who controls everything no wonder I was punished.

THe devils pit

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