The Invisible Illness

The head is heavy,

But only on the left side;

The neck feels like it cannot hold the head up,

But only on the left side.

I know I’ve felt this sensation for some time,

Since the high school years,

When suffering went unrecognized.

The eyes feel like I’ve splashed menthol oil into them,

And then dried them with rigid eucalyptus leaves;

They burn.

I write in my mood chart: ‘Head is heavy today’,

I tell my father: ‘Head is heavy today’,

The next day he asks: ‘Is your head heavy today?’

I think of how things could be worse but they are not;

I am not blind,

I did not break my back,

The pain could be a different quality.

Playing games with myself, I muse,

That I am not vulnerable to pain,

All of my body’s energy is flowing out,

Of the top of my head,

Flawless energy flow,

Free to concentrate on what it is,

I want in this life;

This life in which two conditions,

Are my constant companions,

But the more unwelcome I make them,

The more they will accompany me.

I create enjoyable distraction in my life,

Type a resume, usher a patron to their seat,

Write a letter, conjugate a verb,

Strum a chord, glide through the water.

I feel the well of frustration and sadness,

But tell myself that,

I will never stop searching,

Striving for a solution,

Until I am well,

Until I can emerge from that dark room in the basement.