My Monster, Fred

A monster lives in my head,

His name is Fred.

I curse his name for all that I have lost

He’s cost me time that I will never get back

He brings me sorrow that never really goes away

His grasp, so tight, keeps me living in fear

Even when he isn’t near

But he is never really ever

that far.

He steals away my life

Moments from my very best years

Moments that don’t belong to him, but to someone else

I am not the only one he is stealing from here

In return he leaves me with this pain,

Pain that goes far beyond tears

Pain that laughs in the face of my dreams

 “Please, somebody help me!”

I scream.

But nobody hears me.

And even when the searing pain subsides,

I am left shattered.

A piece of my spirit dies a little each time

Anxious and broken

I beg back for what was mine

I try to pick up what’s left of me

And I cry.

What is left of me?  Who am I?

Am I me or am I Fred?

I don’t know where to go from here,

I don’t want to go if he will be there.

Tell me,

Is he always going to be there?

You monster.

This sense of doom I have

I blame on you

Get out of my head!  I said.

Fred,

I want you dead.