Shadow of Myself
I don’t know who I am anymore,
this shadow slinking between work and home.
Feeling like a narcissist, a user, an abuser as I watch my family do my chores and leave those they don’t get to undone.
No social life to speak of - I gave up those plans long ago.
You may remember me
I was the one who called
Week after week,
Month after month.
To say I couldn’t come -
MIGRAINE.
(Yes. Again.)
At work, every day I face more questions.
Sick. Day after day. My coworkers can’t comprehend.
They say, “but you’re the young one.”
And in their voices and their accusations and even their sympathy I see they’ll never get it
No matter how they try.
‘Cuz their heads don’t hurt.
And even those that do get headaches
AND even THOSE that DO get MIGRAINES
Without chronic pain to as a teacher,
They will never accept that the young get sick.
“And why are you so different now?” they always want to know.
Well, isn’t that the real secret.
The secret of pain, of hurt, of trying to get by.
And I’ll admit, they’ll never know why I keep my spirit locked way far away
Deep down inside my blackened, charred soul.
But I’ll tell you.
You who travel on this path with me,
You whose temples have throbbed as you plead, “not again!”
You who know of whispers that deafen, twilight that blinds, silk that scratches.
I lock my spirit away to keep it safe and unbruised,
Because my real secret is that when I have a MIGRAINE
I can no longer manage the weight of my bullet-proof armor,
So any tongue lashed in my direction goes straight through.
I can’t take a wound to the heart when I’m already down,
So I have no choice but to leave my shell empty
Except for my shadow.
For years I have suffered from Shadow Migraine, which has left me exhausted, dizzy, weak, lifeless, aching limbs, numb, lithargic and the rest.
I have felt at times after an episode like I suffer from a sleeping disorder or on waking up hours later, like I have suffered some form of stroke; just like yesturday, I had an appointment at the hospital and to my embarrassement, I began to go through an episode..IN THE WAITING LOUNGE.. my eyes began to droop liken to dropsy...I forced myself to stay awake but was drained, got home and crashed. I woke up and realised my feet were freezing and I could not get them warm(usually I soak them in hot water but I was too tired). It would be another 9hrs approximatly before my circulation reached my feet, gas pockets dissapated and they felt warm again.
These are real symptoms, which I remeber going through between 5 and 7 years old, them I worried my parents because after a short nap, they could not wake me up; instead I just layed their limp and lifeless, luckly for me they did not panick and I came round.
Puberty; I spent most of my time sleeping. Family, friends even strangers knew when I was a youth, they could not find me because my room was my haven and sleeping was my only solice. I do believe, I was always sluggish and irritated even then.
As I got older my shadow began to change, I could actually feel my body being drained of energy, just before I was brought to my comotosed state. When I wake up, I'm thirsty, sleepy, stiff, irratable and very, very tired but I also have to carry on being a parent and the responsibilities that come with it on a daily basis. Trying to find a job, that can cope with my absence, is impossible and when or if you have to sign on and cant; after explaning your preceived as a wastrul and a joke...more embarassement.
Shadow migraine, I believe is known technically as 'Ocural or abnormal migraines'. If this is true; why if I can find this out, many Doctors like my own; sees me as a nut job?
I am glad, I am not alone in the shadows. I just wish I could get back the life, that has been robbed from me...I just want to be happy, not to be seen as an excuse...