Oh, the things I didn't know.
The elation that would grow, the pain that didn't show is all back. I want to run, I want to run away from things I see- I want to run away from me. Get in my car, put music on, get on the highway and drive for miles until I'm far away from money issues. And untold stories and hurting, and finding that all my work may be for naught. Is that possible?
It's too expensive to be sick, and to feel well, well, that'e even more expensive. I look back on my dreams, except they're not mine anymore- they can't be. Yet I want them still. And my old friends, in their gowns. Having to say that I'm happy for them. Which I really am.
But as another one graduates, all I have to show for it are empty prescription bottles, and tears running down my face, and wondering. Just wondering when it's my time to sing again and play with a band, and hear the chords produced from my fingers, or to diva it up, or freeze as the activist and take the stand. One thing at a time, they say.
But I'm not getting younger. And I may as well sigh, and know that any program that looks good to me is just flying by. For someone else.
And I knock over a stack of papers, and numbers all fall down. So much for hope.
This isn'r really me, I know, though. I'll feel better in a while.
Jamie
Oh Jamie,
My heart goes out to you in reading this. You spoke to me.
Gentle hugs,
Kelly
Even though it feels sometimes like you're alone (who can feel this way and live on?), you're not alone. That's what I learned just a few years ago. Us migraineurs are all around. I'm a terrible loner and so I found it incredibly helpful to find people that "really know" what I'm going through painwise and emotionally. We have a disease that is not noticeable all the time, and even when we're in pain - physical or emotional - we usually try to be strong and keep it to ourselves as much as possible, which doesn't help our family or friends understand. I have learned that my dreams are there and that I do have a chance to make them come true in this life. I've learned that my path in life includes making room for a quiet disability that I have to share my days with, just like many other people who deal with various disabilities. Everything takes longer. I have a habit that I've had to break that on the days that I feel well, I would go like gangbusters to get as much done as possible, knowing that the days ahead I could end up at a standstill again, moving in slow motion and spending time horizontal. So, I have had to accept migraines and all that come with it, figure out how to accommodate it, work with it, and hang onto my hopes and dreams for the future. I don't think life is a race that we race with other people. Life is more like finding the strength to walk it with what we're given and our only coach is God himself who knows how and why and for what purpose we were born. He knows the reason why we were born and he knows what each day holds for each of us. The same for the parapalegic, the diabetic, the cancer sufferer, the depressed, etc. I think we need to learn to relax our expectations of ourselves. We need to stop comparing ourselves to others. Just live your life every day the best you can. Find good things about every day, even the bad ones. Bring joy to others' lives as much as possible. After all, in the final analysis, the only things that are truly important in life are our relationships. Sorry, I am in bed at the end of a three-day stint of migraine and had time to write to you. I hope you are encouraged in some way. Debbie