I am so angry with this disease and it has become unbearable now to just sit around and try to come to terms with it anymore. My life is filled with so many sacrifices because of this unreasonable degenerative disease that has no cause and no cure. I'm so sick of being sick and depressed, that today I'm am just plain ANGRY!
It appears the rules for this disease is that "when one door closes, another door opens, just a little crack so you can see what you are missing.""
Why would I feel this way? The other day I was systematically rejected for a migraine trial to put a little aparatus in my heart to see if that stops my migraines. I didn't have a hole in my heart. I was sad because I don't have a hole in my heart. How desperate am I to want a hole in my heart to have a stranger put a piece of nickle into my heart to see if it stops my migraines!!!! One of the side effects is increased migraines, but hey, I was willing to take that risk to be able to see if it would stop my migraines. How stupid is that.
How did I get so desperate to put my health on the line for this longshot? Well, frankly, I have so little to help me with such a horrible and recurring pain. Some people get help and some people, like myself, get so little. I am 48 years old and suffered with migraines since I was 10 years old, and I still haven't been able to see a specialist. I average 19/month, I take preventatives and painkillers barely help. I am on a waiting list for a neurologist for the last year and maybe 6 more months to go. When I see him, there is no guarantee that he can do anything for me because, quite frankly, I beleive I have tried most everything. Or have I? All these years I brought in the newest information to my willing GP and we tried it and it either worked or it didn't. The specialists could be a BIG DISAPPOINTMENT. You all have been there.
I am so sick of being sick. Of taking pills and being ill for taking them. For not having an apetite, but needing to eat so my stomach doesn't get upset. I'm tired of being tired, and faking that I am okay when I'd rather just sleep forever, but I just can't sleep anymore becuase it hurts so much. I'm tired of pretending.
If this has been going on for so long, then why am I so desperate and angry now? Oh, I could list off all my heartaches and boohoo stories to you, but I know you have your own. I have my passions come and gone and more to come. I have a grandson now that I can't care for like I'd like to and had to recently say no to (and I LOVE babies). We all have our stories.
I am angry now because wishing for an early death borders on deep depression and a more serious disorder. I'm angry because it feels better than to be filled with saddness. I'm angry because it gives me human rights and to stand up and be counted and someone who is deserving of better medical service. I am angry because then I'm not feeling the victum. I'm angry because it is more cleansing than feeling sad