I'm so angry

By Angela in Pain Sunday, March 06, 2011

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I am so angry with this disease and it has become unbearable now to just sit around and try to come to terms with it anymore. My life is filled with so many sacrifices because of this unreasonable degenerative disease that has no cause and no cure. I'm so sick of being sick and depressed, that today I'm am just plain ANGRY!

It appears the rules for this disease is that "when one door closes, another door opens, just a little crack so you can see what you are missing.""

Why would I feel this way? The other day I was systematically rejected for a migraine trial to put a little aparatus in my heart to see if that stops my migraines. I didn't have a hole in my heart. I was sad because I don't have a hole in my heart. How desperate am I to want a hole in my heart to have a stranger put a piece of nickle into my heart to see if it stops my migraines!!!! One of the side effects is increased migraines, but hey, I was willing to take that risk to be able to see if it would stop my migraines. How stupid is that.

How did I get so desperate to put my health on the line for this longshot? Well, frankly, I have so little to help me with such a horrible and recurring pain. Some people get help and some people, like myself, get so little. I am 48 years old and suffered with migraines since I was 10 years old, and I still haven't been able to see a specialist. I average 19/month, I take preventatives and painkillers barely help. I am on a waiting list for a neurologist for the last year and maybe 6 more months to go. When I see him, there is no guarantee that he can do anything for me because, quite frankly, I beleive I have tried most everything. Or have I? All these years I brought in the newest information to my willing GP and we tried it and it either worked or it didn't. The specialists could be a BIG DISAPPOINTMENT. You all have been there.

I am so sick of being sick. Of taking pills and being ill for taking them. For not having an apetite, but needing to eat so my stomach doesn't get upset. I'm tired of being tired, and faking that I am okay when I'd rather just sleep forever, but I just can't sleep anymore becuase it hurts so much. I'm tired of pretending.

If this has been going on for so long, then why am I so desperate and angry now? Oh, I could list off all my heartaches and boohoo stories to you, but I know you have your own. I have my passions come and gone and more to come. I have a grandson now that I can't care for like I'd like to and had to recently say no to (and I LOVE babies). We all have our stories.

I am angry now because wishing for an early death borders on deep depression and a more serious disorder. I'm angry because it feels better than to be filled with saddness. I'm angry because it gives me human rights and to stand up and be counted and someone who is deserving of better medical service. I am angry because then I'm not feeling the victum. I'm angry because it is more cleansing than feeling sad

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Comments (6) | Add comment

jim

3/ 7/11 10:51am

my sweet woman i had no idea....of this thanks for the truth

rosemary

3/ 9/11 1:07am

Hope you feel better now that you were able to vent!

Nancy Harris Bonk, Health Guide

3/ 9/11 5:21pm

Hey there Almostangela,

At some point in our lives we can feel so down and frustrated due to Migraine disease . I do understand these horrible feelings, and think we are entitled to feel this way from time to time.

But I'd like to help you with some positive ideas that may be useful to help ease your emotional pain. Can you talk to a loved one about your feelings and thoughts? Sharing information here can be a wonderful tool and be helpful for many Migraineurs looking for support, but sometimes people need more coping skills and that is OK. Anyone who has a chronic condition needs support and coping skills - if coping isn't the word for you substitute life skills instead. Migraine disease can become an overwhelming burden for us at times, and learning how to deal with it is key.

If your doctor isn't helping you, find a new one. I understand you are on a waiting list to see a neurologist. Good for you! Is this neurologist a "true" Migraine specialist or a neurologist who says he is a headache specialist? You see there really is a difference. Neurologists may be fine doctors, but the thing is, it's difficult for them to be experts in any one area because they treat so many different conditions like MS, stroke and epilepsy. It's not that the doctor isn't listening, rather, they really aren't well informed about Migraine disease. Migraine specialists treat one disease - ours - Migraines and headaches. When you get a second, check out this article; Migraine and Headache Specialists - What's So Special? If you need help finding a Migraine specialist, check our listing of Patient Recommended Migraine and Headache Specialists.

Keeping a positive attitude when seeing new doctors is very hard I know. But really important. It's important to keep trying to manage our disease, as frustrating as it is..

Hang in there,

Nancy

Angela in Pain

3/10/11 2:48pm

Thank you for taking the time to comment, Rosemary and Nancy.

Anger feels better than depression. Nancy I looked up the recommended Doctors and the Neurologist I am waiting for is on the list. Reading other posts, I'm not the only 48 year old Canadian who feels without hope. Glad to have this forum and the encouragement of you guys to help me through the rough patches. Sometimes I'm just scared.

Jim, I know you watch it, and I don't always want to talk about like endless misery. It means the world to me that you care and never bail on me.

Nancy Harris Bonk, Health Guide

3/14/11 1:24pm

It does get so old when people ask about how we feel all the time. But I think most of them are asking how we are out of love and concern. It's just that we don't have any good news for them, and that is what gets old for us.

Nobody says, "hey, how's your epilepsy going?" It just seems that Migraine disease has not reached the pinnalce - so to say - of diseases yet. And don't get me wrong, we want people who truly care about us to know we understand they care. But we'd also like them to know that this disease is difficult to manage, like any other chronic condition.

wld palm desert

11/ 1/11 4:32pm

All I can say is, it sounds exactly like my life. Everyday is filled with pain and has affected every aspect of my life, from work, to family, to daily activities, to unbearable depression. I pray that one day, we will find relief. My thoughts are with you!

I'm so angry

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