It's not enough to feel out of control.  Things have slowly been cascading onto my shoulders, and just thinking about returning to the therapist has me feeling avoidant.  It's just one more appointment to be responsible for.  I have 4 medical appointments this week alone, plus a paper to write and chapters to read for class.

I went to the ER at 2 AM on Sunday morning because I've been having stabbing, radiating chest pain and nausea for a couple of days.  The good news is that it turns out that the pain is from an inflammation in the muscles around my breastbone and ribs, so it's nothing serious.  The bad news is, well, the ER doctors think it's caused by stress that has gone too far.  They told me a lot of physical manifestations of stress may begin in the chest area.

I also have an infection under the tooth that had a root canal 4 years ago, and have been wondering if this 4-year-old infection is a migraine trigger, as that side of the jaw sometimes doesn't feel quite right.  It's something I plan on asking the specialist.  It's amazing that with all of my other problems in the past year, it hasn't blown up into a giant problem.

I have been trying so hard to take control of my issues.  I try to get on the treadmill for 30 minutes of low-impact walking a day, but since the end of the semester I have been too busy with finishing projects and with work to really concern myself about it.  I can stand to lose some weight, but losing weight is not my goal.  I just want to feel better.  I am so tired all of the time.  It feels like nothing I do ever gets rid of the fatigue.  I've never had a normal immune system and ever since I contracted mono at age 13, things just knock me down quicker and I stay down longer.  The past year alone I contracted two potentially fatal bacterias, one that my surgeon was shocked about (he told me he had no idea how I could have picked it up) and the other that was at least contained in an area where it couldn't spread to my bloodstream.

I do sometimes wonder if having a large PFO also contributes to the problem.  They say that a PFO isn't really much of a problem for most people, but I am willing to wager that it contributes to my fatigue problem nonetheless.  It's more of a gut feeling than anything based in truth.  I'm always so tired, and  it can't always be the Epstein-Barr virus, can it?  It stays dormant in the cells until triggered again, but that's a rare occurence.  I guess I may have never gotten over it 100%, but that's yet more bloodwork I don't really care to have.

This morning I woke with a hormonally-triggered migraine that almost made me crazy with the pain level.  I took my triptan and that little pill fought for all it was worth...And a whole 2 hours later I was still fuzzy--but at work and functioning as best I could.  I was almost resigned to the pain; is it bad to be so used to it you try to shrug it off and move on with your day?  But there was no moving on with this one, and it's episodes like those that depress me more than anything.  The pain is at least gone now, and I am home from work, eyeballing the bag of chocolates that, at least, momentarily make things just a little happier.