Tips for Friends of Chronic Pain Sufferers

There are some things that at times I think those of us with chronic pain or other chronic conditions want our friends, coworkers, whomever, to know about us.

1 - We are not malingering. This is not fun for us. We did not choose to be this way. We do not enjoy having to take medication in front of coworkers and have our narcotic use questioned by anyone who is not intimately acquainted with our situation.

2 - Please do not treat us as if we are fragile. It is hard enough to deal with what is going on in our own head. We are well aware of our limitations. Trust me.

3 - Along with number three, please do not decide for us what we can and cannot do. If you are having a party, let us know. Let us decide if we can or can't make it to the party, movie, or what have you. I would much rather have to turn down an invitation than know I was never invited. It might seem like we never make it anyway, but the truth is, if I have enough warning, I can go. I can make arrangements to go. More than once lately, I have found out about an outing, only to be told, well, you can't make it to anything, so why invite you? That does hurt.

4 - I have mentioned this before. I am going to say it again. Unless we say this is a brand spanking new diagnosis, do not tell me to try something that your cousin's dog walker's girlfriend's mother's aunt tried to make whatever she had that is remotely similar to what I have all better. If you really want to talk about my health, and what is going on with me, set aside an afternoon where I can let it all hang out. I need it, and I know others do as well.

5 - Ask questions. Please. I would rather tell you why I am taking the combo of drugs I do than have you tell my daughter's preschool moms I am an addict. Yep—that happened. Ask me what, why, how. I am a big believer in knowledge. I tell strangers that my son is autistic if he is acting odd. I will also tell you what is going on with me. If you want to know that badly, ask.

6 - Please realize that I do grieve over the loss of my life the way it used to be. When I get a worse diagnosis out of the blue, don't ignore me. When things get worse, please do not run off. Like most chronic pain lifers, I miss being social. I really miss my friends that seem to have scattered after things got bad. Trust me, I know it's hard. It's hard for me. Call occasionally, send an email, arrange to have lunch. Something, anything that can cheer a person up.

Having a friend or family member with a chronic condition, one without huge signs, is hard. Being that person is even worse. As a mom, it is hard to be in pain, to make sure everything that needs to get done does. I miss running out on spontaneous fun things with my kids. I miss having friends. Chronic pain, any chronic illness, is lonely. You get told you find out who your friends are when things get rough, it's even worse when you find they all jump ship. Hang in there with them—they appreciate it more than you know.