Progress! I feel sure avout the Atacand now. It's just awsome to have gone through tree weeks without having a migranine! And the one I had approximately three weeks ago was minor. Highly discomfortable, but It didn't keep me from functioning - (normal sicial life and little psysical strain). I really pray for this to be the Atacand and not just luck.

My other headache issue was gone a few days, but it's back again. Not having so frequent episodes during the day, but it still comes and goes. Generally lasting from 5 - 60min. Sometimes longer. Never eksperienced over three hours. They have a quick onset which is very very painfull. Why am I so reluctant to see my doctor? ... It's indeed weird, but have some sort of fear of doctors/hospitals. That's not a good thing when you are born visually impaired and need to see an ophtalmologist once a year (I have had him take a look at the panfull eye by the way - he found nothing), you have diabetes 1 and have to see a specialist for that about four-five times a year, epilepsy and neuro followups, bipolar ll and in psychotherapy, needing a psychiatrist to follow up the neds I take for that. I'm stable, no symptoms for three years.... I believe it to be post traumatic stress, and som kind of an "overdose of doctors." God I feel like one giant desease-thing after listing up all this. But I am still human, leed a life as close to normal. But the ptsd-thing... My diabetes presented very acute, only with minor leading symptoms (increased thirst and frequent urination). I had the symptoms to some degree, and I did loose weight. But it wasn't very pronounced, and I had just recovered from a bad viral brochitis. Then BANG - I got violently ill. Ending up in anbulance with sirenes and blue lights, feeling like the driver tried to get airborne. VERY VERY exhausting and acually quite painfull treatment after arriving at the hospital. Just 24 hours later a doctor told med that I'd probably not would have survived if I had arrived just an hour later. "You didn't com a second close to to early," I was told. Of course all this was a shock. Suddenly getting a diagnosis I knew would last for life, a desease that needed a lot of attention. This in the addition to the quite close to death situation and the treatment I went through... Most wont experience that luckily. One of my IV's (I think it was the kalium hurt me like mad. Just like someone poored acid into the vein and surranding tussue. I had a significant 2cnd/3d degree burn injury, needing debrieding surgery - which was less painfull!. This IV tortured me for three days before a nurse "woke up", diluted the solution and adjusted the infusion speed accordingly. No more pain! This happend to me right after my 15th birthday. Admitted to hospital 13.03.1996. I can't forget that date. Never.

Then I had my firsr seizure 01.11.1998. Can't forget that date either. New ambulance ride. Admitted for observation. CT, EEG, bloodwork, thourough psysical examination... Scared to death (after following the "ER" and "Chicago Hope" you think of  lots of dangerous things that might cause your symptoms). Nothing wrong found. Since I only had one single fit, I didn't meet the criteria for epilepsy - for which you must have >2 seizures. Therefor the neurologist I had back then first blamed it on sleep deprivation and heavy stress. Then my second sezure came at school. I just remeber waking up on the floor between twoo rows of seats. Someone holding my hand, telling me to relaxe and that the ambulance was to come soon. I get extremely disoriented after my seizures, and didn't quite understand what was going on. The first time my parents were ther and told me I had suffered a seizure. But just when the guys from the ambulance It came to me, my mind and ability to speek was back. I understood more then, and I remember aking the teacher if I had suffered cramps. She just nodded. Poor thing, she looked like she'd seen a ghost or something. ... My third ambulance ride in my life, but no sirenses or hospitalisation this time. I was assessed by a doctor, who didn't find anytning wrong. He urged me and my mother (who luckily was contacted and came to be with me) to get to that neurologist asap. Stupid man didn't whrite a referral, so my mother and I just appeared at the hospital demanding to se the neurologist. He was of course buissy but took some time to talk, and set up an appointment a week later. Until then I had my third seizure, and I was put on an anticonvulsant.

LOOOOONG story, but it tells something about connecting doctors to traumatic episodes I've had. To me a seizure (the grand mal type is what I've had) is traumatic itself. It's rare, but I don't loose conscionsness completely. Therefore I can actually feel the whole grand mal. I feel that I can't draw air, things get blurred or black, I gasp, feeling the cramps to the vokal chords, hearing that sound, feling my body paralyzed from the the cramp, my limbs twitchng. They didn't last long back when I had them, but the usual 30-60 seconds felt endless. I was only partly conscious, so I suffered disorientation difficulty speeking. I knew what I wanted to say, but the words didn't come out right. If I was alone, I sometimes did completely crazy (not dangerous) things. The state I was in after a fit alvways caused intens amxiety - what if I don't get normal again! Regaining complete consciousness/ability to speak after a seizure generalle took 30-45min. Absolute HORROR!

My brain seemes to be a real rebell. When the epilepsy was in control, migraines started. Alongside of this my bipolar disorder. When both the epilepsy and bipolar disorder is stable (no symptoms), my migraines skyrocket in numbers. Besides, another headache condition occurs.

Oh... This went from an Oh so good to be migraine free for three weeks to Oooooh I hate doctors and I've experiensed so horrible things... I am really sorry about venting like that, but I needed it. Something keeps me from seeking a doctor unless it is close to emergency. I keep the appointments thet doctors set, but calling them to rush appointment - happened one time, and I had to ask someone else to make that phone call. My neurologist is a skilled doctor, but he is a nerd, and not so skilled at conversating.  Not a man who makes me relax in the chair. He is really very well intentioned and does his best, and he has been of much help. But something just keeps me form calling him. I have problems seeing him alone, need to have a trusted person at my side. This is frrustrating. Having a great doctor you want to keep kontact with for his knowledge and skills - and then have such problems. But I'm hopless with this doctor-thing. I have trouble seeing my psychiatrist, which is the least "doctorish" doctor I know. I communicate via e-mail if I need prescirptions. Othervise I have my psychologist talk to her. It's so incredibly stupid, and I am seriousely embarrased of it. I with all my conditions shouldn't have problems with seeing/contacting doctors!