I haven't posted anything on here in a long time but my migraines have gotten more frequent lately and it's starting to affect my productivity and as a result it's gotten me pretty down because I have days where I cannot work, cannot think straight and I feel worthless and incapable. I just seem to have a really hard time explaining what this is like to people who don't have them. The last person I dated told me things like 'it was all in my head', 'migraines aren't that bad', 'you're just faking it, there's nothing wrong with you' and he wasn't supportive at all and I ended up feeling like there was something abnormal with me that no one else could understand. I've had a series of diagnostic tests over the years and I used to keep a journal of my activities, my diet, exercise, amount of sleep, menstrual cycle, etc. but I gave up on it after about a year because it seemed that nothing correlated and it just felt like a waste of time to me.

I'm working on my dissertation and sometimes it's really stressful the amount of things I have to get done with regards to teaching, departmental responsibilities, in addiiton to my data collection and one migraine can set me back one day to a few days and I find it really devastating and then I become really angry with myself for not being able to function at my full capacity and then sometimes I just feel really down because I know I'm capable of doing more but I just can't get things to work when I try.

I've found it really hard to tell people about this in the past because a lot of people don't know what it's like and they don't understand so often times when I have migraines I do as much as I can to get through the day and try to pretend nothing is wrong but sometimes I can't hide it; especially with the people that are close to me. I don't know what to tell them when they want to help me. I don't know what they can do. I'm so used to dealing with this alone that I don't really know how someone can be supportive.

Sometimes when I take my medication, I fall asleep for several hours and then wake up feeling okay, not fantastic, but okay enough to function. Other times, it's really bad and the medication doesn't work right away and I can't sleep, can't read, can't turn the lights on, can't do much of anything. I mean right now I'm really frustrated becuase I'm getting over a migraine and it isn't that bad but I tried to vacuum and the sound was horribly painful and my apartment is dirty and I can't do anything about it. I tried to sweep earlier but the scratching noise of the broom drove me crazy and I had to go lie down again. I have really horrible balance with these too and I hate it when it's really difficult to do something simple like get myself a glass of water.

I don't know. I just feel really alone and I don't want to feel alone and I don't know how to get other people to understand what a nightmare this is for me and I feel so lonely when I get these but at the same time I don't know what the other person should do to help me and I feel like I'm just going to be a burden on them because I get them so much now. So I usually just tell people that I'm not feeling well and I hide in my dark bedroom until it goes away.

I've always been a really independent person and this is a big struggle for me becuase there are things I really cannot do by myself and it makes me feel dependent and incapable and I really hate that feeling and I'm afraid to ask for help sometimes because I'm scared the other person will tell me that there's really nothing wrong and it isn't that bad.

A couple weeks ago, one of my friends who knows I suffer from these, told me that he was amazed with my resilience and didn't understand how I could accomplish so much while dealing with this. That made me feel really good but at the same time, I felt broken inside. It causes a lot of issues with me emotionally and I've felt really insecure lately and I really don't like that feeling at all and I don't feel like myself when I have these often.

I guess I didn't post any actual question in this section. I really just want someone to talk to who understands because I feel really alone and sad and wish I had a friend to talk to who had these too.