I woke up on the first “Back to School” day with pep in my step. Yes! Finally, some time alone. After the kids were off, I hopped on my sofa, snuggled up to my dog and grabbed the TV remote control. HMMM, Choices… I scanned the menu and decided on some reality TV. What my son and husband refer to as a “girl show”. With this new genre of reality television, you never know what will be thrown at you. So, here I am, still in my PJ’s and feeling good about life and these new sounds of silence.
Suddenly, it all collapsed like a house of cards. Appearing on my TV screen was a feature of a photographer taking pictures of a celebrity. After working for well over ten years in a commercial studio, the art of photography is my comfort zone. This show was being captured and broadcast into my living room in HD. Oh my, wait, I know the photographer. She was my INTERN from many years ago! Ugh!!! That WAS my life. What COULD have been? Certainly, not my current reality. My biggest obstacle these days is coordinating my kids conflicting sports schedules.
Is it fair to blame my MS? It’s true; I did walk away from my professional life after my third child was born because it was too overwhelming. I was just too tired. Mostly, I think that it wasn’t so much my symptoms, but my fear of potential symptoms that did me in. I can say that now, of course, in retrospect.
The two things that I wish could be sold are 1. MS medication that doesn’t have to be administered through a needle and 2. A working crystal ball. Had I known that many years after diagnosis, I’d be “fine”, maybe I’d have stayed the course. Who knows? I do know that I blame the MS diagnosis. It’s that little voice in my head that casts doubt: “maybe, I shouldn’t…” (take your pick) buy a house with two levels, look for work, overextend yourself.
How can my pre-diagnosis me get closer to my post-diagnosis me? Do I listen to that little MS voice of caution or ignore it? I just haven’t figured it out yet.