When looking back on a situation, it is sometimes easier to process (and separate) the objective and subjective facts of that situation.  But when it comes to emotions, the intensity of feelings may diminish over time.  I have to remind myself of that whenever I think back and try to conjure and identify the emotions I may have felt during extraordinary times.

Today I am reexamining the emotions I felt before, during, and after I was diagnosed with MS.  In order to do this, I really can’t just look at what was going on in 2005 (the year I was diagnosed) but before that.  One thing I will acknowledge upfront is that when one goes through the process of being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, emotions can be all over the place.  

CLUELESS:

The first time it was recommended that I get an MRI during graduate school, I really didn’t think too much of it.  I don’t remember being nervous or worried.  Maybe that’s because I was young.  Just earlier this week, it occurred to me that maybe, just maybe I could get copies of my medical records from the university eye clinic during that period of time.  I’m supposed to get a call next week letting me know if they still exist in the warehouse almost 17 to 18 years later.  I’m curious to see what the real medical concerns were at that time.

Since I am extremely near-sighted, there has already been concern (and warnings) related to a thinned retina.  See any flashes of light?  Go to the ER immediately.  Suddenly lose vision or experience a shadow which covers your vision?  Seek immediate medical care.  Etc.  Folks whose vision is severely myopic need to be aware of the symptoms of a detached retina and react quickly.

TERROR:

One day I was noticing that my vision just didn’t seem quite right.  Nothing specific, just odd enough that I visited my optometrist.  The next morning I woke up and it seemed that someone had spread vaseline over my glasses.  I was terrified and panicked!!!  I just knew that my retina had detached and that I would need surgery or would lose my vision.  That Tuesday, I visited three specialists’ offices and ended up with orders for bloodwork and an MRI from a neuroopthalmologist.  MS was mentioned as a possibility, as was a brain tumor or some other disorder.  I was scared, especially since my vision would continue to get worse before it would start to get better.  

RELIEF:

After it turned out that I didn’t have lesions in the brain and my optic nerve was largely inflamed (but not directly damaged), I was relieved.  I didn’t really know enough to be more worried than I was.  I understood that MS would be a possibility but it didn’t seem that “I” would develop it.  Can anybody say “denial”?  I knew to be vigilant to new neurological symptoms affecting my legs as that might mean a diagnosis of neuromyelitis optica, a disease which looked to be absolutely horrendous based on what my mother found in medical journals.  I also knew that my risk of developing MS was increased for approximately five years and when I approached the end of those five years, I was relieved.