ANXIETY:

Well, I was relieved until circumstances had me back in an MRI machine.  At that point, the worry and concern began in earnest again.  The step-by-step process of fulfilling the criteria to finally receive the MS diagnosis seemed to take F.O.R.E.V.E.R.  In fact from the first visit where I mentioned new symptoms to when the neurologist assigned the official diagnosis, I had a multitude of visits to doctors, health professionals, and medical facilities.  This list includes: primary care visits - 2, total number of visits with the neurologist - 4, rounds of MRI scans - 3, blood draw/tests - 2, evoked potential tests - 3 in 1 day, lumbar puncture - 1, days of solumedrol infusion - 5, days of steroid taper (I forget), and number of months from 1st PCP visit to diagnosis - 5.  All of that would make anybody anxious for a firm diagnosis.

HOPE:

During the diagnosis process and beyond the time of the third MRI, the weakness and lack of control in my left hand/fingers increased.  I asked if there was anything we could do about it and intense occupational therapist was ordered.  The therapist was the first professional who acknowledged the seriousness of my symptoms in relationship to my career, interests, and livelihood.  As new neural pathways grew and I regained lost abilities, I saw the hope that disability was not permanent at least in the current situation.

DESPAIR:

Hope quickly turned to despair as the next relapse occurred only a few months later.  This MS roller coaster had definitely left the platform and was speeding down the track.  I cried a lot.  I was definitely depressed.

ACCEPTANCE:

But as time went on and I learned more, I began to face the despair and depression more directly.  I was in counseling and my doctor increased my dose of antidepressants.  I began to relax and see that nothing was really permanent.  Situations are always in flux even if we don’t see the change.  Sometimes the change lies within us, our attitudes, our outlooks, our emotions.

Not everybody experiences the same emotions which I recall feeling around the times that my MS journey developed.  I may feel similar emotions, but not quite so intensely, as I once did.  It gives me hope that I’ve learned to weather the challenges of MS which have presented themselves to date.  I have to know that I will always be able to handle whatever comes.  It may not always be easy, but I know that I’m stronger now than I was previously.  This gives me hope for myself and the future.

Lisa Emrich is author of the blog Brass and Ivory: Life with MS and RA and founder of the Carnival of MS Bloggers.